How does a fabric handle?

It might sounds a bit strange to ask how a fabric handles, as this is usually a question reserved for sporty motorised vehicles. However, the definition is pretty much the same in both cases - "To behave or perform in a particular way when handled" - and refers to how the object feels. Handle is not something that usually springs to mind when I browse clothing in high street stores, because most fabric used in mainstream garments feels exactly the way you would expect. Chunky knit jumper with a dull finish and no fluffiness to the fibres? Yup, that's cotton. But every now and again something comes along that surprises when you touch it., like wet-look leggings. The look like they're made of PVC, so anyone with a little knowledge of fabrics would expect them to feel a bit stiff, but they were just as soft and flexible as ordinary leggings. They're easily recognisable now, but were quite a surprise at first.

Ever since I spent three years studying textiles, I have been unable to resist fondling garments in shops so that I can find out whether the handle and drape are what I expect. Most of the time, I'm correct. Occasionally, stores throw me a curve ball. Today I reached out and grabbed something that my eyes and brain just couldn't make any sense of whatsoever, and it was made from a soft synthetic knit with a pile... like knitted faux fur. Then I spotted a cute pleated skirt that I really couldn't work out the fibre content of. Turns out it's polyurethane!

It's easy for designers to go for striking colours and patterns that look good in photographs, but it's very clever indeed to design clothing using fabrics with a handle so pleasing that you have to buy it after just one touch. Not only does it appeal if something feels interesting to your own skin, but it's also a great conversation starter with someone you've got your eye on! I'm not sure if I'm in the minority with my need to touch fabrics in order to fully understand them, but it makes me happy that some retailers are also thinking that way too. The world needs more touchy-feely clothes.

Red carpet hair

Back in 2010, I posted about how I get my 1950s style curls to stay, but more recently I have been somewhat less successful with that look. If I sleep in the rollers, I need to make sure that my hair is dry before my head hits the pillow if I want to avoid the dreaded frizz. If I don't sleep in the rollers, I need to make sure I use loads of product otherwise the curls will drop faster than you can say "dammit". As a result, I have been searching for a way to easily create a glamorous look that will hold its own.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am incredibly lazy, especially when it comes to my hair. Any styling routine that takes too long to explain or to actually carry out will very quickly fall by the wayside. Remember that book on 1940s hairstyles that I gave away recently? It just looked far too complicated, so I stuck with quick and easy tips I've picked up from various places over the years. The problem is... I still kinda want my hair to look as effortlessly glamorous as it does when my hairdresser styles it. So, it's time to bring in the professionals - more specifically, John Frieda and a video tutorial called retro curls.



OK, so it looks a little bit faffy in places, but there's not too much to remember and it seems like it might be the sort of thing that I'd get quicker at with practise. Over the weekend, I'm going to set aside a little time to try this out and will then report back next week to let you know how it went. If the curls last, it might even be worth a bit more effort than usual.

Recommendation: TOR II by LELO

Those lovely people at LELO have released another of their exciting and delightfully labelled 'pleasure objects', just in time for Valentine's Day. Why settle for a meal at a restaurant (which, inevitably, will have an especially pricey menu specifically for that evening), when you could be relaxing at home trying out what LELO claims is "The World's Most Powerful Waterproof and Rechargeable Couples' Ring"? More pleasure for both of you, and it's also completely waterproof? I was intrigued even before I saw the delightfully enticing mood shot of the chap with his whisky!

The design of the new and improved TOR II is just as sleek and desirable as their other vibrators, and its quality silicone one-piece shell means it's body safe, durable and 100% waterproof. You can even use it in the bath, apparently! It has a variety of powerful stimulation modes, just like the Lyla I tested last year, and all are easily adjustable by a simple interface. No one likes to be fiddling away to find the right setting, only to find that a small knock changes it or switches the damn thing off. Chance of that happening with a LELO toy are slim-to-none, I reckon.

When my discreetly packaged TOR II arrived, I unwrapped it with the same product lust as something with an Apple logo on it. This really is a quality product designed to make sex feel sensual, rather than sleazy. The sleek black LELO box contained a charger, instructions, warranty, storage pouch, a helpful sachet of lubricant and the toy itself. It charges quickly, but not as quickly as I managed to read the instruction booklet - this vibrator is certainly very straightforward to use! According to the blurb, the rechargeable vibrating portion "gives targeted stimulation for her during lovemaking", while the gentle constriction offered by the silicone rings gives "a longer-lasting and more substantial presence, ensuring a more satisfying experience for both partners." These guys are not only the master of design, but it seems like they can also describe what a sex toy does without sounding smutty! At this point, I was very much looking forward to enjoying my partner's more, ahem, substantial presence.

In order to use the TOR II, the gentleman who is going to wear it will first need to have some of the aforementioned 'presence'. The ring can then be stretched to fit and left to sit at the base, using some water-based lube to ensure no snagging happens when positioning the vibrating part according to your needs. How you wear it can be adjusted to target the vibrations in whichever direction is best for you, your partner and the positions you both choose. For testing purposes, we went with the bulk of the TOR II on top so that the vibrations would give clitoral stimulation when used in our favourite position.

The first squeal of delight came when I discovered that my partner's genitals had essentially been turned into a vibrator. This was a rather amusing moment, but it wasn't long before I was keen to see how it felt on something other than my fingers. The initial reaction it received from me upon hitting the spot we intended was rather intense and, if I hadn't first mentioned that this was something we were trying our for a review, I think I would have completely forgotten to test the other settings! We worked our way through the different pulsing modes and I think there probably is one for each mood, just like LELO claim.

Having only even tried a disposable ring before, I was very impressed with the power of the vibrations from the TOR II and it certainly hit the spot for me. The view from the other side was that the vibrations somewhat distracted from the other sensations he usually enjoys during sex, and the slight bulk of the toy meant that some depth was lost. However, even this will not stop us using it again, and I can definitely see how it would be extremely useful to some people. If a female partner needs extra stimulation, or a male partner wants to last a bit longer, the TOR II would definitely be for you.

Even if you don't need it though, you should definitely want one. The LELO TOR II is a fantastic little toy. Compact, powerful and virtually hands-free, a case packed for a naughty weekend away would hardly be complete without it. After all, what else are you going to use while slippery in a gorgeous hotel bath that's made for two?

Explaining alternatives to monogamy

If you ever have to explain polyamory to family or friends who have never come across the idea that there's an alternative to monogamy, how do you do it? More importantly, how do you explain things if it's your own relationship(s) you're talking about? Personally, I have no idea! I can tell you how not to do it. Making your 'open relationship' status visible to family on Facebook, thinking "they'll ask if it needs explaining", and then promptly forgetting you've done so is not a good way to begin that discussion. But, after years of pondering and missing golden opportunities in conversations with my parents due to simply being too scared to "come out", it seemed like a good idea at the time. Sadly, in the weeks that followed, I didn't get a chance to explain much about how ethical non-monogamy works, but I did manage to reassure my mother that a) my relationship isn't on the rocks, b) we are still very much in love, c) I wasn't forced into anything, and d) it makes us both very happy indeed to live our lives this way.

So, how should I have done it? Non-monogamy in general, and polyamory more specifically, is a very tricky concept to explain to people who have been happily monogamous their entire lives and have no concept of there even being another way of life. Although I did manage to get the most important point across to my parents - that it's consensual! - there was an awful lot that I missed out because they weren't yet ready to learn more. Perhaps the time will come when I can point them towards an article I wrote on polyamory for BitchBuzz last year?

"It's about being intimate with more than one person. Sex, love... the works. It's about the understanding that, for some, one person alone simply cannot be their 'everything'. It's also about the radical notion that love is not finite. You can love more than one child, right? Try applying the same concept to romantic love. For some people that's not just possible, it's also desirable."

When I first discovered ethical non-monogamy, the additional connections I made were physical only and so there was very little need to tell anyone else. After all, why would I come out to friends, family and co-workers about being a swinger? That just amounts to telling people too much about your sex life, and who wants to be thought of as an over-sharer? People I saw more often were referred to simply as 'friends' in wider conversation, which wasn't exactly a lie, so my conscience was clean. There was just more to those friendships than most people would think. After a while though, things became more serious and so the need to share what had become a very important aspect of my life became far more pressing.

In recent years, I have had three additional relationships which haven't really been discussed with family or co-workers. Not because I'm embarrassed by them, or because I'm trying to hide the truth. My silence is simply because I just don't know how to begin the conversation. Once people start asking questions, I can tell them that everyone involved knows what's going on and there's no lies or cheating. I can tell them that it's about consenting adults who trust and respect each other. I can tell them we negotiate boundaries, stick to agreements, communicate honestly, and remain loyal and committed to those we are in a relationship with.

We all have friends and family members who satisfy little parts of us that our partners don't. The friend who loves cocktail bars like you do, while your partner prefers a real ale pub. The sister who loves action movies more than your other half who will never go to see one with you. The mother who chats for hours about the random crap you like, or the friend who loves the political discussions that your partner would rather avoid. Even people who have never contemplated the existence of something other than monogamy are familiar with the concept that we all need a few people around us in order to be happy. Poly people do more things with these people than non-poly folk do, but it's essentially the same idea. I reckon that, if you can understand that, the rest will come in time.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - Amanda Jones, An Open Book, One Sub's Mission, Polyamorous Parenting, Post Modern Sleaze, and Rarely Wears Lipstick - will write about their views on one of them.

My Posts on BitchBuzz: January 2012

It has been suggested that I provide a monthly summary of the pieces I've written for BitchBuzz, with links, just in case you missed any of them. As this is clearly a brilliant idea (thanks Amanda!), I decided to get started straight away with a post directing you to the articles that were published in January. As I've been writing for them since December 2009, there are plenty of other interesting sex/relationship posts from me over on BitchBuzz, so I have linked to them in the sidebar in case you fancy a rummage through my archives!

BitchBuzz Culture: The Museum of Sex in New York City
"The large museums are often well known and well frequented in most major cities, but it's often the smaller places that have the really interesting exhibits. As the BitchBuzz Sex & Relationships columnist, on a recent trip to New York City I just couldn't resist visiting the Museum of Sex on 5th Avenue."

BitchBuzz Life: How to Talk to Your Partner
"It never ceases to amaze me just how many people have things they reckon they can't tell their partner. The person they're in a long-term relationship with, sometimes living under the same roof and often the person they've made a public and legal commitment to. Surely that would be the one person who'd you'd share the good and bad stuff with?"

BitchBuzz Style: The Lynx Effect for Ladies
"You know Lynx? The amazing fragrance for men that makes us lose all control instantly and just want to rip the clothes off whatever hunk of man meat we catch a whiff of the stuff on? The one with the totally realistic adverts where hundreds of gorgeous women shed their garments and run towards a poor Lynx-drenched chap who doesn't stand a chance? Well, now all that passion could be ours too!"

BitchBuzz Life: Things Teen Mags Never Told You About Sex
"When you're a teenager, losing your virginity is often quite a big thing on your agenda. I remember wondering how I'd find a boyfriend, whether it was easy to kiss like they did in the movies and, later on, what on earth I was going to do when it came round to sex. There was always plenty of advice around, but it never seemed to be the right stuff."

Feminism Friday: Vintage vs Feminism

For a while I have been considering writing a piece that combines two of my favourite subjects: vintage fashion and feminism. Then, a couple of weeks ago, Retro Chick wrote a fantastic article about her feelings on how a "vintage" style and identity relates to feminism. That post was inspired by Lena from Style High Club asking if vintage girls were inherently feminist. I read, absorbed and commented, assuming that the time had now passed for me to cover the subject because... what else was there left to say? Well, encouraged by Gemma and Naomi on Twitter, I have now decided to add my perspective to the discussion.

Anyone who chooses a style of dress because it suits them, rather than because it is currently fashionable, could be considered to be adhering to feminist values. Instead of buying in to mainstream society's ideals of what is beautiful, these people are creating their a fashion identity based on their own personal desires. While some women believe that fake tan, short skirts and vertiginous platform stilettos are utterly essential in today's somewhat porn-influenced society, others opt to find a look that they actually feel comfortable and confident in. Whether that's 40s factory worker, 50s housewife, 60s dolly bird, 70s free spirit or 80s goth, being inspired by fashions of the past needn't come with an infusion of the politics of the day. These days, any one of those looks can be viewed as a big 'fuck you' to mainstream fashion and the corporations which support it. After all, wearing a demure 1950s prom dress could make you look like a doormat of a woman, but only if you behave like one too. Don't dismiss the modern chap either. He may wear tweed and smoke a pipe like the misogynist fellas of yesteryear, but is probably also quite likely to have far more respect for women than his football shirt wearing counterpart.

There are plenty of reasons to believe that adopting a vintage style might imply that someone holds feminist views. I believe that many, if not all, women who adopt a vintage look do so because they want to. Not just because they felt pressure to conform, because they want men to view them as attractive, or because Grazia magazine told them to wear it. In essence, someone who dresses like an individual probably thinks like one too. There are also many reasons why buying vintage might be considered to be a feminist act of rebellion. After all, buying vintage or vintage-style items often involves supporting small and ethical businesses. By its very nature vintage is ethical fashion - reusing and recycling existing garments and accessories rather than producing new ones is sustainable fashion at it's best. Vintage-style items are most often found away from the high street and are made in smaller quantities by people who love what they do. In addition, many of these business owners are women. Sticking it to The Man by supporting small businesses rather than giant tax-avoiding corporations is something that many feminists would be proud of you for.

That said, whether you choose your clothes from vintage boutiques, designer stores, or cheap high street chains, it's how you put everything together that speaks volumes about who you are. Vintage-wearing folk may be more likely to be feminist than girls who conform to a more mainstream stereotype and, for example, dress like The Saturdays, but they too may be simply following a fashion. I have met people who buy their clothing predominantly from Primark and H&M who have amazing personal style and will always stand up for what they believe. I have also encountered vintage-wearing ladies who genuinely think it would be rather lovely to live in the 1950s, when a woman's place was in the home. I think the key here is to assume nothing about people until you hear what they have to say. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes things get lost in translation.

Images via Joseph Brent and ILike's Flickr photostreams.

Competition Time: Winner #3

The time has come to announce the winner of my third and final "clearing out Lori's flat" blog competition. This time last week I showed you a pile of saucy goodies that needed to go to a good home, and quite a few of you were keen to get your hands on them. At the end of he day yesterday, I wrote all the names of those lovely commenters on little slips of paper, popped them into my purple hat, mixed them up a bit, and then picked a winner. As you can see from the 'smutty polaroid effect' photo, that person is... academic_really! Thanks very much to everyone who entered. You can rest assured that you have all done a little bit to help me tidy up before my house move!