Jealousy is a strange beast. When I tell people I'm non-monogamous, the first question they ask is often about whether or not I get jealous. Well, I do... I just try very hard to manage it. The strange thing is that it doesn't get any easier. In the past I have written about how to cope with jealousy in relationships for BitchBuzz and have told people that only you affect your relationship, so jealousy is actually rather silly. The problem is, no matter how many times I tell people this, it's still really quite hard to follow my own advice. I think you're either the sort of person who's not really bothered by things and have a cast iron ego, or you're always just a teeny bit insecure and worried. No matter how hard I try to be the former, I am always the latter and it's even worse at the start of a new relationship as every chat with someone else (usually on social media websites) sparks off feelings of "I want to be there", "I wish it was me", or "we never do that together". However, I have been trying to beat those feelings into submission until they become envy, which is an emotion that I like to view as being a bit more positive. Envy can be "I wish I was doing that too, but it makes me happy that you are". Envy can mean smiling at the other person's excitement.
I have some wonderful people in my life right now and being monogamous would mean that I have to stop seeing all but one, so it's a small price to pay to let them do the same. Even though non-monogamy means that you have more of the tricky stuff, it also means you get a lot more of the good times. So, not only do I sometimes get to enjoy obscene amounts of happiness, but I've also learned an awful lot more about myself in the last few years. I think this is what's commonly known as A Good Thing.
8 comments:
Nice piece. It encapsulates exactly why, when I found myself living with a couple, I couldn't cope mentally with it at all. I got jealous and possessive - even though I tried not to be. I'm obviously not as mentally strong as you!
Hi Lori, nice entry but can I pose a question, even though your non-monogonous, what about your partners, are they also non-monogomous and how do you feel if they haven't got the time for you as they are off seeing someone else. Ok that was two questions :-)
I don't think it'd be possible for me to see anyone who was monogamous - they'd have to be very understanding indeed! The availability thing can be a problem though. Mind you, I have so many non-date-type-things in my diary that it's usually me who doesn't have the time. No one can get jealous of me going on dress-making workshops though, surely? ;-)
As you've said yourself, talking to your partner is key in understanding where the jealousy may come from and, typically, why it's unfounded or at least move it towards "appreciative envy" :)
I guess there is an element of comparison mixed in there as well which is never the healthiest thing at the best of times.
I think envy is somewhat better than jealousy too; it's "you've got some(thing/one) awesome and I want to join in!" instead of "I want you all to myself!".
I don't consider jealousy or envy to be bad things, though. A little bit is healthy; it shows you love and care about people and it's a totally human emotion. So instead of trying to beat jealousy, I turn the energy I get from it into doing something productive and temporarily forgetting about what's happened to cause that feeling, before asking my love later how it went and sharing in their happiness, or comforting them if it didn't go so well.
(tl;dr - it's not about not being jealous, it's about how you manage it.)
" Envy can mean smiling at the other person's excitement". What a fab way of putting it. Jealousy is defintly the evil ugly sister of the Envy. I tend to keep her in a cupboard with a huge plank of wood across the door. However, I tend to invite envy to tea at least once a week.
With me, anything someone close to me does that I'm not involved in can make me jealous! Doesn't have to be romance-related at all. It helps if there's a good reason I'm not there doing whatever it is. If I can't understand that, I'm prone to brooding.
That sounds good. I think small things bother me in the same way they do, but really when I'm in a good place it's easier to be happy for other people etc. (When I'm sad, i.e. when I was unemployed and living at home I was fairly neurotic, but when I was happy in bits/organising life in some way I got a lot happier.) So, making yourself happy and in turn less jealous or envious is hardly a bad way to go about it for me :)
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