The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Electricity

You may experience a 'spark' when you meet someone new - a feeling like electricity coursing through your veins whenever you touch or kiss - but that's not the only thing I'm thinking about here. As well as the rush that you feel with a new lover, electricity can also feature in exciting new situations with an existing lover or... even when you're alone. Whether it is the batteries in your vibrator, or the mains-powered oomph of a Hitachi, this type of energy can be a very important part of solo sex. If you've ever experienced the feeling of frustration from your toy losing power at entirely the wrong moment, then you will know only too well just how important electricity can be! No one should be afraid to add a toy into their life. Everyone reacts differently to sexual stimulation, but there are so many different types available that there may well be something that pushes all the right buttons. Even if you're more of the "been there, done that, have a massive drawer of souvenirs" kind of person, there may still be things you haven't yet tried. Instead of a buzz... try a spark. Those who have already experienced the beautiful and stimulating violet wand would probably agree that its use of electricity against naked skin can be extremely rewarding. Shocked? You will be.

Image via Jomme V's Flickr photostream.

Polyamory and daytime television

Last night I spent the evening with some non-monogamous friends and, inevitably, a portion of the evening was devoted to watching and commenting on This Morning's debate on polyamory. Tomorrow is the seventh Polyday and so the main organiser, Maxine Green, had drummed up a bit of press for the event which the producers of this mainstream daytime television show had obviously noticed. If you've ever seen the show, you'll know that it is a mix of blandness that is designed to appeal to stressed out stay-at-home parents, hungover students and retired Daily Mail readers. It was at its best in my own student days when it came live from the Albert Dock in Liverpool, Richard and Judy presented, and Fred Talbot's floating weather map had the occasional streaker visiting it. These days, it's as old and tired as Agony Aunt Denise Robertson. Why they wanted to know more about non-monogamous lifestyles is anyone's guess.

For this so-called 'debate', Maxine and two of her metamours were on the studio sofa to explain polyamory to the puzzled presenters and This Morning's aforementioned Agony Aunt, Denise. Although the three of them came across as intelligent, reasoned, calm and happy, the show's presenters continually interrupted their important points and made little attempt to understand their views or even put across a viable alternative. Despite being the most understanding, Eamonn Holmes still managed to surprise the three women by asking if they were simply the victims of the greedy man they all share but, when Denise was brought into the discussion, it got even worse. Apparently "it'll all end in tears", according to the narrow-minded veteran advice-giver. Just like all those monogamous couples who get divorced then, eh? Denise made no effort to listen to or understand the polyamorous side of the discussion and continued to assert that she knows best, despite clearly having no clue that there are non-monogamous people all over the world who fit all sorts of categories. We are single, partnered, parents, married, childfree, young, old and all very happy indeed with our choices in life.

My friends and I were absolutely stunned at how the 'debate' was handled by This Morning but, once the ranting died down, we decided that Denise Robertson simply needs a bit of education. It was suggested that we write to her with problems such as "I am extremely happy with my polyamorous lifestyle and wonderful loving partners, but my parents don't understand. How can I explain it to them?" to see if she responds. Something tells me our correspondence would end up at the bottom of the pile.

Image via itv.com

Awesome ideas: Clothes swap

The idea behind a clothes swap party is simple. Collect up all the clothing you don't wear any more, take the garments to someone's house with a load of other friends who have all had a wardrobe clear out too, open some wine and start trying things on. The group of women you get together for one of these events don't even need to be the same shape or size, as everyone has things in their wardrobe that are no longer worn because they don't fit, and so the only thing to bear in mind is that everyone needs to get along for it to be a really fun night. Also, anyone who is scared of trying things on in front of others might find it a tad daunting! However, once you've found a date that as many of those people as possible are free on, you can watch your old well-loved clothing go to appreciative new homes and also get some fantastic 'new' freebies for yourself.

I organised a clothes swap that happened on Monday - at a very kind friend's house because some people couldn't make the trek out to my place so laden down with bags - and it was a resounding success. Dresses that appeared at first to fit no one managed to eventually find homes, accessories inspired new outfits, old jeans found new life, and there was almost a fight over a beret. We roared with laughter as everyone tried on the the silver lurex body stocking and began to fall in love with it, giggled at the attempts to wiggle out of various vintage dresses, and genuinely loved all the things we went home with. This sort of thing isn't for shrinking violets as you have to stay in the room in your undies in order to grab and try on as much as possible before it gets claimed, but it is rather good for a confidence boost as everyone tried on at least one thing that we all went "ooh!" at and told them they simply had to keep it.

So, ask around to see if your friends are interested in swapping old clothes with you. It's a great way to spend an evening and certainly much cheaper than a shopping spree. Well... I guess that all depends on how much wine you drink!

Image via prettyinprint's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Desire

A key element to mind-blowing sex is desire. When you first hook up with someone new, this is a driving force and provides a passion that is addictive and unmistakable. You yearn to be with together and are constantly thinking of what you're going to be doing when you next see each other in private. However, when you have been with a partner for a while, the desire can come and go. Sometimes it rages, and other times it fades quietly into the background. If this sounds familiar, don't worry as it's perfectly natural and happens to everyone. First of all, talk to your partner and see if they feel the same way. If so, there are many ways to rekindle the flame that once burned so bright. Planning date nights and making time for each other is a good start. If the lack of desire is uneven, this can be more of a problem so communication is vital. Talk about what you want and need, what you love about them, why you want things to work out. It should become clear from this if desire can be restored. Sometimes it's just waiting in the wings.

Image from stevebkennedy's Flickr photostream.

Size is just a number

The system used for labelling the sizing of women's clothes is a mystery to most of us. When the various standardised systems were first introduced, it became easier for women to buy clothing off-the-peg and know which garment would be most likely to fit them. However, since the 1980s, UK manufacturers have individually been slowly straying away from these standard size recommendations to the point where not only is it impossible to buy vintage clothing based solely on the size in the label, but it is also extremely tricky to work out which modern garments will fit from one retailer to the next. This so-called vanity sizing has become more about the brands making clothes to fit the size they think their customers want to be, therefore appealing to the desire of many women to be, or appear to be, smaller than they are.

Whether or not the idea of fitting into a smaller size appeals to you, the purpose of a standardised system is to make purchasing garments easier for the customer and so ignoring it is not always in the retailer's best interest. Especially when selling clothes online where consumers have to commit before they can try anything on. Retro Chick's Campaign For Clearer Clothes Sizing goes some way towards addressing this, asking retailers to make the measurements they use for each size available to the public. However, I think there is something that we can all do ourselves to break away from this and benefit our own confidence and body image.

As has been proved by clothing companies' increasingly blatant disregard for the standardised sizing system in the UK, the number on the label of each garment you own is largely irrelevant. Detaching any significance from it will help restore your confidence in a way that fitting into an apparently smaller size never will. If we're completely honest with ourselves, if it was really that important, we'd all be buying our clothing from the US where the numbers for the corresponding sizes are smaller. On a holiday to New York, I visited a Levi's store and fitted my UK size 14 hips into a pair of US size 10 jeans. The tiny amount of delight I felt at this soon evaporated when I thought about telling my boyfriend as I realised that his reaction would be one of confusion. After all, the jeans I tried on had fitted me so they were clearly my size, regardless of the digits on the label.

I first started to realise what was most important when buying clothes, after I'd purchased a dress from Vivien of Holloway. As their clothing is based on 1950s patterns and use the sizing from that era, you have to check your measurements before buying. At the time I found a shop that stocked them so that I could try on several sizes to find the best fit, but it's clear from looking at the sizing chart on their website that I cannot fit into one of their straight frocks due to my pear shape, and a full-skirted option would need to be a size 16 in order to fit my waist in. Normally this would have been frustrating for me as I am usually a size 12-14 but, in this case, it failed to matter as I loved the clothing styles so much. One of the dress styles not being cut to fit my figure simply gave me less choice, which was actually helpful, and the fact that their sizing is different (and clearly explained) helped me to shrug off the number on the label of the pretty frock I ended up buying. I felt confident and looked good, which was by far was the most important thing.

Since then, I have noticed that the Vivien of Holloway dress I have doesn't actually fit my body shape terribly well at all. I have a short body and a medium sized bust so the halter strap is too long, the boning comes up too high and I need a bra with extra boost to fill out the top. this didn't matter at first, because my increased confidence meant that no one noticed, but it has now helped me to realise the second part of what I really need to look for when buying clothes. This is so important that I think it's worth sharing.

Concentrate at first on the fit of clothes, rather than the look
Of course how they look is important to a certain degree, but do not let it sway you. I have returned a great many garments or have just let them sit, unworn, in my wardrobe for years because I was so taken by the way they looked in the changing room that I ignored the simple fact that they didn't fit. Are the arms too tight? Does the waist pinch? Is the skirt too short? Does the zip dig in? If so, don't ever think of it as a failing of yours, just admit that this type of garment isn't cut to suit you in this particular shop and resolve to find something better. If it feels wonderful when you slip it on, isn't uncomfortable anywhere and also makes you smile, that's when you take that smile and look in the mirror. You'd never leave a fitting room to show a friend something that looks truly awful on you, so why bother showing yourself? Reserve the long lingering mirror looks for the clothes that make you go "mmm" and you'll soon realise that you look far better than you thought you did.

Then concentrate on the feel of clothes, rather then the size
If you have to take several sizes into the changing room because you don't know which you need, does it really matter which of them you come out with at the end if it fits you beautifully? If a gorgeous soft cardigan fits, flatters and makes you happy with a number larger than you thought you'd need on the label, why would you take the smaller size that gapes at the buttons? If it bothers you that much, you can always cut out that pesky number once you get home and need never see it again. We've all spent slightly more money on a garment than we we wanted to because it was utterly perfect and it made us so very happy just to put it on, so why not do the same with size? If something makes you feel happy and confident, ignore the label and just buy it. Similarly, if you are at all unsure about the fit and feel of clothing, put it back on the rail and try another store. Much as we have to shop around to find a style that we like, we have to shop around to find the correct fit too. It does depend on the type of garment - for example, I can buy unstructured tops anywhere, but Oasis is always a first stop for dresses and Whistles is the only shop that stocks trousers that fit and flatter me - so do some research.

Clothes can give you confidence and they can take it away. A little bit of time figuring out which shops sell clothes that are more likely to help make you feel amazing is time well spent. Just remember that you, as the customer, are important and shouldn't be parting with your money for something that is less than fantastic. The size number on the label plays no part in how great or not that garment is. Seriously, who sees it but you?

Please note: The second image is from a series of fake campaign posters, designed by me as part of my A-level Photography course in 2007. This is not an official Body Shop campaign poster.

Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty

It's been over a year since the death of Alexander McQueen and his name still has the ability to grab my attention. His combination of creativity and technical skill was surprisingly rare, resulting in some truly unique, striking and beautiful collections. I have learnt much about costume and fashion from attending exhibitions at the glorious V&A, to see original pieces up close and to find myself inspired by a particular designer, era, accessory or muse. I heard that the museum was happy to host a touring version of the, now finished Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty exhibition which was staged at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York earlier this year, but it turns out that this is still unconfirmed. If you are at all interested in getting a closer look at some of this amazing designer's work, sign the petition that has been set up by Grazia's editor-at-large Melanie Rickey, who points out that: "He was inspired and galvanised by London, as are the team that carry on the business in his name." Hopefully we'll get a little bit of him back in his hometown soon.

Image by The Photograph Studio, The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Consent

The only reason that this entry is still considered part of an 'alternative' A-to-Z of sex rather than an 'essential' one, is because it's sadly not the most obvious relevant c-word. In fact, straight away I thought of three others that people may have chosen first... an orifice, a word that is a synonym for The Big O and something that, legend would have you believe, many heterosexual men can't find. However this c-word is the thing that no sex should be without. No matter what your gender, orientation or other preferences, you should not be doing anything intimate without consent. Communication and consideration for contraception (where appropriate) are also damn fine ideas, but consent is absolutely essential. Especially where non-standard sexual practices are concerned.

Image via Garry Knight's Flickr photostream.

The perils of media engagement

Guest Blogger #10 - This is a response from Tobias to my post on The Guardian's use of the phrase "hipster swingers" in a piece published on Saturday 13th August. The views expressed are personal and do not necessarily represent the views of the Kinky Salon London crew. The KSL crew make decisions collectively and are always reassessing how they deal with approaches from the press. It should also be noted that they would never publish an image for which permission to do so hadn't been obtained in advance.

First of all I would like to thank Lori for her typically thoughtful and open-minded blog post on this subject. Secondly I must state up front that I can not speak on behalf of the entire Kinky Salon London crew as I am but one of a larger crew. However I am the person who was quoted in the piece so I can give some context and personal observations.

Knowing the highly intelligent bunch of people who attend Kinky Salon and After Pandora, I have no doubt that everyone fully understands that old adage about not believing everything one reads in the newspapers. Even still it's often possible to lose track of the fact that this principle applies to the broadsheets and the style mags just as it does to the tabloids.

It's less a conspiracy to mislead on their part and more a matter of expediency, practicality and a sense of what will appeal to the audience of a given publication. Although one might come across a piece on a website, it was usually designed to be published in print where there is limited word length and an imperative to be succinct. This always comes at a price: if the media were perfect at expressing complex ideas accurately, without bias and with brevity, Noam Chomsky would be out of a job.

Kinky Salon London does not go out of its way to speak to just any old publication. So far we've concentrated on reaching out to sex-positive blogs / online radio shows and the LGBT press. But it's worth people knowing that it's practically impossible to stop someone writing about you if they choose to do so. As an example we were first listed in Time Out without ever submitting a listing to them. So if a journalist contacts you to say they're going to write about you, it's often better to provide them with a quote and direct them to your website rather than allowing them to make it up off the top of their head.

In this instance the journalist approached me having met me on the Burning Man scene and through another night I'm involved in called White Mischief. She had previously put Kinky Salon in touch with some feminist blogs that she felt might be interested in covering us. The Guardian had put her on a last-minute deadline of a couple of hours to write about a few "eccentric" clubs and activities around the country and she was planning to feature Kinky Salon and other similar places. I suggested to her a number of clubs within the BDSM, queer/pansexual and cabaret/burlesque space.

On request I sent her a written quote that detailed all the aspects of Kinky Salon about which you will be aware: our aim towards inclusivity and not discriminating by gender, body type, ability/disability, sexuality, the PAL system and our strict code of conduct, the fact that we welcome all interests be they kinky, vanilla or even those people who love the party but never plan to play at all. I explained that I was but one co-founder along with Kitty and a crew of volunteers, and I detailed that the event was born in San Francisco but has spread to Sacramento, New York, Copenhagen and Amsterdam.

Although Kinky Salon welcomes people who identify as swingers just as we welcome people who identify as polyamorous or non-monogamists or whatever, we have never used swinging to describe what we do. Clearly we would also never describe ourselves as hipsters (I think the term geek would be far more accurate.)

Furthermore the journalist who wrote the piece contacted me yesterday to explain that she did not use the term hipster swinger, she was not briefed that the piece would be pitched as something about "tribes", nor did she write the introductory paragraph that was finally published. Her original introduction talked about sex-positive culture rather than repressive attitudes to sex.

It's true that both swinging and hipsters have negative connotations but we'd be kidding ourselves if we said that no-one in our communities owns an Apple Mac, rides a bike everywhere, buys organic at Broadway Market, lives in East London and enjoys group sex from time to time. Indeed I know a good few individuals within our community have taken a journey that started on the conventional swinging sites before moving more deeply into the polyamory and BDSM communities. So the whole "hipster swinger" shorthand may be unfortunate and inaccurate but it's not exactly a massive insult - just as long as you can take it with the pinch of salt it deserves. And if you want to blame someone, blame the subeditor who came up with the headline, most probably as a way of filling the limited column width they had to work with.

When one engages with the media one takes the rough with the smooth. There is always the chance of factual inaccuracies, omissions or slants that may differ from those one might prefer. It is unrealistic and usually unacceptable to demand copy approval on a minor article that, let's face it, is tomorrow's chip paper. How many times do we hear some of the most powerful and influential celebrities saying that something they said was "taken out of context"...? In this instance, nothing I said was taken out of context: it was just framed in a way that some members of our community may find out of alignment with their experience of Kinky Salon.

The question some of you may be asking is: with all this potential for misunderstanding, should we be speaking to the media at all? What follows is just my personal opinion - I can't speak for everyone within Kinky Salon London. But I believe that if we are serious about promoting sex-positive culture, a culture that involves positive consent, a culture that welcomes all identities, all genders and sexualities, a culture that rejects sexist entitlement, a culture that demonstrates that kink and polyamory are not dangerous or disgusting...then it is our responsibility to take our message to the wider world.

We are committed to keeping the intimate house party friends-of-friends feel to Kinky Salon but if we fail to welcome new people into the fold then we effectively become elitist, and that's not the Kinky Salon ethos. I believe it's our duty to ensure that all those people who might benefit from participating in our community get the opportunity to hear about it. There may be ways that we can improve how we achieve that end, and our internal crew is discussing that right now, but please don't worry that Kinky Salon is "going mainstream"...because that's hipster talk, and none of us is a hipster, right? :)

All images have been cleared for use with the participants by Kinky Salon London. Photography by Todd Hartman and Ben Hopper.

Making my mark

I've wanted a tattoo for years. I love the way a good design looks and the way it becomes part of a person. I love the way they can mark a moment in your life and make you look at your own body in a new light. I love the way it's a beautiful piece of artwork that you can carry around with you for the rest of your life. I wanted a design for a tattoo I was sure I would love forever but I could never think of anything that I didn't change my mind about after a few months. When Simon wrote a guest post about tattoos for this blog last October, I considered it again but no decent ideas sprung to mind so I reverted to thinking that tattoos just weren't for me. My main problem was that the tattoos I absolutely love are all large designs, and I just couldn't think of something big that would suit me.

A while ago, I was talking to Amanda (who got the outline of a beautiful new piece done just last week) about someone who'd had a flower on her ankle added to, until the plant was 'growing' all the way up her leg and across her back. I loved the idea of a design that could be added to like that, leaving the option of starting small and building into a tattoo of the size and complexity I love. Once this idea lodged in my head, I started thinking about which plant I would like to have growing across my skin if I was to go for something like that, and the answer was obvious: roses. From the Ladybird book of Snow-White and Rose-Red I owned as a child and the climbing roses that grew up the front of our house back then, to the rose on the cover of Depeche Mode's Violator album, they have always had lots of meaning for me. Anton Corbijn's cover art for what is still one of my favourite albums was actually my first ever, swiftly dismissed, tattoo design consideration in the 1990s.

My favourite flowers are yellow roses, but I'd have to ditch the colour in this instance because that would never suit me. Still, I have had the beginnings of this idea for months now and am still not bored of it. I like botanical drawings of roses, with their many leaves, and know that I would like something like that done in a a very delicate monochrome style (a bit like this fairy by Manda at In Skin in Tunbridge Wells), but that and the placement is as far as I've got with my planning. Working it all out slowly is definitely best before putting needle to skin, but it looks like I might actually be onto something this time.

How do you make lingerie?

As my involvement in burlesque has developed, so has my interest in lingerie. It seems to be an appropriate thing for me to write about on this blog too as lingerie pretty much sits at the intersection of feminism, body image, sex/relationships and fashion. However, although I have done a couple of short courses that have expanded my knowledge on how the garments I wear are constructed (Beginners Corsetry at Prescott & Mackay and Knockout Knickers at The Make Lounge), I don't really have a great deal of general knowledge on the subject of underwear and so just couldn't turn down the opportunity to learn a bit more and try my hand at making something new. So, with a great deal of excitement, last week I attended a 5 day lingerie workshop at the London College of Fashion. Billed as "a chance to recapture the skills of traditional couture lingerie, especially the feminine 1930s bias-cut styles and other similar themes and updating these into 21st-century lingerie", this seemed like the perfect way to expand my knowledge in a way that could be applied through my writing as well as at the sewing machine.

Our tutor was costume historian and designer Carolyn Richardson who started the week off with a quick lesson in 20th century lingerie, illustrated by many garments from a case of vintage treasures that she had brought along to show us. When you're used to mass-produced underwear that uses elastic and is fastened with hooks and eyes, this was quite an experience! However, Carolyn had also brought with her some modern pieces from Topshop and ASOS to demonstrate how old shapes and techniques can be updated. Before long we were into the practical part of the class, learning how to draft a pattern for a bias-cut nightie by draping fabric on a stand to create a test garment (aka toile), which was rather good fun. Later in the week, our toile was made from a flat pattern that we'd drafted on paper from a basic bodice 'block' and adjusted to create a simple bra. Well, I say 'simple' but it took rather a lot of time and patience to produce.

Over the course of a few days, we learnt about pattern creation and adaptation, design research, fabric and trimming selection, different types of seams and hems, embroidery techniques, and fastenings. Carolyn gave us plenty of information on the techniques applied to mass production and also couture garments, so that we had knowledge and skills that would be useful for sewing at home, making samples for our own lingerie line, or even for one-off made-to-measure pieces. Whether or not I go on to design/make something myself, at the very least I now have a greater understanding of lingerie design and production. I also now know why beautifully designed well-made silk bras are so expensive, so there will definitely be no more whining about high prices from me!

I am not a "hipster swinger"

People who know me well will already be aware that I attend some pretty interesting parties with some rather amazing people. These events - After Pandora and Kinky Salon - are for open minded adults of any gender or orientation to meet, chat and play, and were partly inspired by the salon in the movie Shortbus. I was asked a while ago if I would be OK with an image of me from one of Kinky Salon London's fantastically themed events being used to accompany a small piece in Time Out. I loved the shots they were thinking of going with and so agreed to their use but, sadly the magazine didn't end up mentioning KSL in their sex issue at all and I promptly forgot all about it. So, I was slightly surprised but not at all upset to discover that my face was in today's Guardian alongside a piece on Britain's new tribes. Now the world gets to see me in a Star Trek original series costume, complete with Vulcan ears! Hooray! There was only one problem... the subeditor had labelled my friends and me as "hipster swingers".

Hipster and swinger are two words that instantly conjure up very specific images in people's minds, and they bring with them all sorts of prejudices. There are many websites devoted to the 'joy' of the hipster aesthetic and a quick Google image search for hipster will leave you in no doubt about what type of person the label is commonly used to describe. I was less bothered about this particular word, as anyone looking at me can see that I am clearly not that type of hipster, but being called a swinger did actually bother me a bit. Although swinging is a form of ethical non-monogamy and there are probably a fair few people who attend the same parties as me and identify as swingers, it is not a label I choose for myself.

Aside from the common misconception of suburban 'wife-swapping' being all about car keys in a bowl (as in Toyota's 2004 Key Party advert for the Corolla), swinging is a form of non-monogamy that has an awful lot of arbitrary rules that don't really apply to the parties I attend. For a start, everything revolves around couples and guy-on-guy action is mostly frowned upon. This is therefore not a label that I would use for myself or any of my friends but, thankfully, the Guardian article goes on to explain that us "hipsters" have reinvented swinging. They mention that "Kinky Salon and After Pandora are for all body types, all sexualities and all degrees of experience" which is a pretty good description and proves that we defy the labels the subeditor chose for us. People think that hipsters all look the same and swingers all act the same, but my friends and I are far less like sheep. Well... apart from that one time I dressed up as one, but that's a whole other story.

UPDATE: I have received a response to this post from Tobias, who was quoted in The Guardian's article. This has been published as a guest blog post.

Main photograph by Ben Hopper.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Biting

Biting isn't always as vicious as you might think. "I'm not into pain", you might say, thinking of frenzied sex with teeth marks and yelling. But biting may be more of a part of your carnal life than you first thought. Remember those teenage years, when you occasionally had to cover up your neck because a hickey? Us Brits don't call them love bites for nothing. After all, the mark itself might not always be created by the act of biting, but there is often a fair bit of nibbling in the lead up, right? When you think about it, you've probably also encountered lip biting too... a sign that someone is flirting with you. Anticipating all those exciting naked moments that might come their way.

Whether or not you like the sensation of another person's teeth clamping down hard on your flesh, you can't deny that biting does have a part to play in sex. Come on, a little bit of playful nibbling can be rather fun. Even if you don't want to partake yourself, who can deny that the sight of the hot vampire sex in True Blood is rather a turn on? You know you can't resist.

Love your body

Back in March, I wrote about how these so-called 'real' women the media are always banging on about don't always have curves. I pointed out that actual real women come in a pleasing variety of shapes sizes. Fat, thin, old or young, each of us is a unique combination of race, nationality, height, weight, build, eye colour... and we all have the potential to be beautiful. We just need to realise it. For the first time in a long while, I switched on the television this morning, resulting in me catching the tail end of an episode of How To Look Good Naked. No matter what you think of Gok Wan, you have to agree that he is pretty good at knowing how best to tackle women's insecurities over their looks. But he can't keep on doing this alone. Everyone who has fought body image demons at some point in their life knows how tricky it can be, and we should all be trying to use what we've learned to help others.

Sometimes it can be difficult, as some people aren't quite ready to be helped yet, but every story often ends up being an inspiration to at least one person so it really is worth a try. Earlier this week, MissRetroGlam blogged about what she refers to as beautiful flesh. She pondered the labelling of plus sized models and took the opportunity to celebrate her own fuller figure, reminding us that "sexy, alluring, confident and beautiful come in all shapes and sizes." She also requested via Twitter that people send her photos of themselves for a follow-up post celebrating beautiful bodies, and got quite a few encouraging responses and images in return. Although the images sent in were all from women, they could so easily not have been. When I wrote about women and body image in 2003, I stated that men weren't under the same pressures. These days, rather sadly, it seems like that is no longer the case.

Whatever your size, shape or gender, being happy in your own skin is the most wonderful gift you can give yourself. If the thought of seeing a photo of your body on the internet scares you, why not try to come up with something you can do to make you feel more confident about the way you look. Whether that means doing a photoshoot, going to the gym, throwing out your most unflattering clothes, or getting up on stage - just go ahead and do it. Whatever the task you set yourself, if it helps to boost your confidence, you'll notice the change in no time. L'Oréal are right about one thing - you really are worth it. You just don't necessarily need to buy what they're selling in order to be beautiful.

Recommendation: Fever Designs

I first encountered the clothing label Fever during one of my many rummaging sessions in clothing exchange Bang Bang. I was spending a cold January Saturday afternoon shopping with my sister and had convinced her to stop off at my favourite second-hand haunt in Soho before she headed for the train home. We tried on a few things that day, and the best of the three items I went home with was definitely an extremely wearable teal coloured 1950s style full-skirted dress with a mysterious label inside that said Fever London. I'd not heard of the brand but instantly fell in love with the dress. I like to wear it with red belt, shoes and jewellery for maximum effect, but have also accessorised with a black belt and my Tatty Devine gin necklace. To top it off, the frock is machine washable and needs no ironing! This was definitely a label I needed to know more about.

I found their website and pondered a second purchase but, since buying online can often be a disappointing exercise for a petite pear-shaped girl like me, I always held back. However, whilst wandering around the market at this weekend's disappointing Vintage Festival, I spotted someone with a Fever catalogue and so set about finding the tent they were selling from so that I could search through their pretty vintage-inspired frocks for something to add to my wardrobe. I discovered from a sales assistant that, not only do Fever take inspirations for their designs from vintage clothing, but they also had some of those original pieces for sale on the day! We were shown a 70s dress with the pattern that inspired the Rainforest maxi, and a gorgeous brown vintage coat that was the basis for a piece from their AW11 collection.

After rooting through the rails of gorgeous garments, I found the beautiful Dara dress in blue to try on while Amanda picked up the same one in lilac, just for the hell of it. The fit of the firm-yet-stretchy fabric is so amazing that there was no way we could not buy them! Seriously, these dresses put the (much more expensive) Stop Staring frocks to shame. Because the dresses are just so good, I felt I really ought visit their shop (see photos above) and explore the brand a little further. After all, it can't hurt to have another vintage-inspired store that I know I can rely on, to go alongside the delightful Joy. Following my brief visit, I emerged with the Dita skirt in red which was, rather pleasingly, in the sale. On the web it looks to be a fairly straight skirt that doesn't sit on the natural waist and isn't for girls with curves, but the stretchy reality was that it fitted me perfectly. I don't expect you to take my word for it either. Any excuse for photos, right?

Underwear: For that extra boost

Underwear is a peculiar thing. Most people wear it - often out of habit - but it isn't essential, by any means. Without it, our outer garments would require more frequent washing and women's breasts would have less support, but most people can 'go commando' without shocking or offending anyone. There is, however, a rather large market for this clothing that most people don't see, so why on earth do we spend so much money on it?

In my 20s I owned hardly any sets of 'pretty' underwear. Most of the lingerie in my drawers consisted of basic black or white plain items, with a couple of brighter pieces bought in the sale somewhere because it was eye catching. However, in my late 30s I have become almost addicted to underwear in a way I never previously thought possible. My burlesque adventures started it, and soon my need for stage costumes turned into a genuine love of beautiful lingerie. When you rummage through so many cheap items, you soon realise that wearing them for 5 minutes on stage is the most you'd ever want to do, and they certainly don't withstand the harsher scrutiny of the pin-up photoshoot.

Since writing an open letter to the Creative Director of Agent Provocateur last September to complain about their models being too thin, I have been on a constant look out for brands who design for more than one body type and whose collections are well worth the price tag. So far I have a fantastic list of alternatives to Agent Provocateur: Kiss Me Deadly for the femme fatale, Dirty Pretty Things for the sultry rock chick, Fred and Ginger for 50s Hollywood glamour, Ayten Gasson for silk and vintage lace, Playful Promises for dirty flirty girls, and What Katie Did for classic reproduction vintage.

Who cares if no one else gets to see it? Wearing beautiful lingerie should be something a woman does for herself, as a confidence boost to her day. So, when I find something that's beautiful and comfortable... that's when I can't help but spend.

Image via Ayten Gasson.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Aural

What we hear is rarely thought about when it comes to sex. Understandably, the biggest emphasis is placed on what we feel - both physically and emotionally - but sight, taste and even smell often rate more highly than sound in discussions of a carnal nature. However, there are many ways in which aural sex should be more highly rated than it is. First of all, talking dirty. Even Kate Winslet has offered tips on this, so you really have no excuse for not trying it at least once. I agree it's not for everyone, but you don't know unless you try, right? Also, phone sex becomes a lot more tricky without it and that was going to be my second suggestion. I don't mean that you should call one of those numbers you find in telephone boxes, more that you should try phoning your lover when you're apart and see how hot you can make each other using only your voice. It may all sound a bit too 20th century, but adding a visual aspect through iChat involves a lot more effort!

Erotica can be a fantastic way to get yourself in the mood too, especially if you get it in splendidly saucy and hands-free audiobook form. However, make sure you get to listen to a snippet before parting with any cash, as the sexiness of the voice in question really does matter. Who wants to listen to filthy tales of naughtiness as read by Mr Bean? It's not just voices that can be considered aural sex either. Anticipation of the main event can be enhanced by using a blindfold, but not just so that you can't see him/her approaching with that ice cube. Blindfold your partner and let them hear just enough to get them begging to join in. I'm sure you're creative enough to come up with something rather tempting.

As Tuesday is the day that Millicent Binks treats us to another reason why we should all love her life in her Evening Standard 'sex column', I thought I would use this particular day of the week to begin my Alternative A-to-Z of Sex. The plan is to write a blog post on something that's not the obvious choice and always safe for work. Can I manage a post for every single letter of the alphabet?

Vintage at the Southbank

Last summer I spent a wonderful weekend at Goodwood for the first ever Vintage Festival and wrote afterwards about how much I enjoyed my time as a Vintage Volunteer, and the full Vintage at Goodwood experience. After the quirky charm of the 'high street' they built in a field, the wonderful themed music stages and the overall look and feel of the event's site, I was excited to see what they would come up with for this year's festival. So you can understand that I was a bit shocked to discover that Vintage 2011 would take place in... London. Not a pretty field with fairy lights and camping, but London's Southbank. Oh dear. After the initial disappointment I decided to remain positive. After all, this didn't necessarily mean that Vintage 2011 would be worse than Vintage at Goodwood, just different. And so the wait began to find out what they had in store for us.

I was pleased to read that there would still be themed music stages, a marketplace of independent sellers, hair and make-up sessions, craft workshops and all the other gems that made last year's Vintage Festival so enjoyable. However, what they didn't mention was quite how this was going to be arranged in such a public area of the capital. Still, I'd heard little in advance of last year's event and it turned out to be great, plus I love the Southbank Centre and so figured that their combined efforts would probably be worth a look. Sadly, the day tickets were still £60 and so I decided at first that it wasn't worth the effort, until one day I managed to nab a few at a special offer price and was rather pleased with myself. Unfortunately, I should have waited before buying as in the week before the event it was announced that... lots of it would be accessible for free! Yes, the Vintage Village and events like the Chap Olympiad could be enjoyed without a ticket, which is exactly the sort of information I loved receiving after I'd paid for tickets. Still, what us paying customers could access was bound to be worth the ticket price, eh?

Perhaps not. On the day we circled the Royal Festival Hall in search of the entrance where we could exchange our tickets for wristbands (or at the very least a person who knew what on earth was going on) and, once inside, wandered around in search of something of interest. Anything of interest. There was some 40s music with no one dancing, a handful of sellers of vintage/retro items, places to have your photo taken, craft workshops in a room that was way too hot, and the usual RFH bars. That was it. Seriously, we wandered around looking for the freebies that made it all worthwhile and found very little else. If I'd known that was all that was inside, and that the outside events were free, I definitely wouldn't have paid for tickets. I felt disappointed in the event and ashamed that I'd raved about it to two other people who came with me and must have spent Saturday thinking I was a crazy person. Did anyone find anything at all that made the day pass worth the money at this year's Vintage Festival? If so, please do let me know. In the meantime, I shall be writing a sternly worded letter of complaint to the organisers on the off chance that they care.

UPDATE: Via the wonders of Twitter, I have discovered that Style High Club, Dearest Jackdaw, Penny Dreadful Vintage, and Hello Vintage also had a less-than-wonderful time at the Vintage Festival.

Image via Vintage by Hemmingway (because I found absolutely nothing I wanted to take photos of at the festival itself.)