Introducing... The Poly Bloggers

It's great when casual discussions lead to exciting new projects. Ethical non-monogamy in its many forms is a topic of conversation that comes up a lot between some of my friends, and it's always interesting hearing other people's opinions on the same aspect of this. We all have different labels, tastes in people and activities, relationship set-ups and past experiences, so one description of non-monogamy or polyamory from a single point of view was never going to be enough. It needs to be a discussion. Quite a few of us have blogs where we write about such subjects already and we all have very different styles, so a suggestion was made that we each write about the same topic on a given day. We will post our thoughts onto our own blog on the first Monday of every month, and will link to the other posts in the group so that you can get a variety of opinions. We are primary, secondary, dominant, submissive and parent... amongst other things! The only aspect we can't cover is a male perspective, so do let us know if you are a male blogger who is interested in our little project.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - Amanda Jones, An Open Book, One Sub's Mission, Polyamorous Parenting, Post Modern Sleaze, and Rarely Wears Lipstick - will write about their views on one of them.

Women of the World 2012

Last year, the Southbank Centre held its first Women of the World Festival, and I'm pleased to report that WOW is back in 2012! A "celebration of the formidable strength and inventiveness of women", running from 7th to 11th March, this annual festival presents and recognises women from all walks of life, acting as a conversation space for issues of all kinds. WOW includes lively talks and debates about politics, the arts, economics, fashion, science, health and sport. Those attending can take part in workshops and hear from celebrities, politicians, artists and activists on the topics that matter to women worldwide. There are also some music and comedy events scheduled for the evenings, plus a free market all weekend for those of us who are a bit strapped for cash! For full programme and ticketing information for Women of the World Festival 2012, visit the Southbank Centre's website.

Competition Time: Winner #1

This time last week I posted a competition to win a little pile of feminist goodies that I had lying around the house and figured needed to go to a good home. Before going to bed yesterday, I wrote all the names of the commenters on that post on slips of paper, folded and placed them into my purple felt hat, shook it up a bit, and then selected a winner. As you can see from the photo, that person is... Desirée! The prize will be winging its way to her very soon indeed. Thanks very much to everyone who entered.

Competition Time: Over 18s only!

Today sees the third and final competition in my clearing-out-the-flat series, and the prize this time is rather smutty indeed. This little parcel of goodies will contain a copy of Tracy Cox's "100 Hot Sex Positions", which I reviewed for BitchBuzz last year. Even if you're not one for working your way through many sexual positions and ticking them off in the margin, there are plenty of other tips in this book, plus a model who looks a bit like John Barrowman! In addition, I shall pass on to you my copy of the erotic novel 3 by Julie Hilden. I read this so long ago now that I can't remember much about it, other than the fact that I liked it. And just in case the books get you a little hot under the collar, I'll also throw in a box of Durex condoms to make sure you stay safe.

If you are interested in winning this sexy little prize, just leave a comment below before midnight on Wednesday I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will announce the winner next Thursday. Good luck!

Competition Time: Vintage goodies

It's time for the second of my clear out giveaways, and today's prize might be useful to those of you with an interest in vintage fashion. The main part of this prize is a fantastic book called "1940s Hairstyles" by Daniela Turudich that has a great step-by-step guide to recreating loads of vintage looks. I don't have the energy to spend this much time on my own hair and so decided that the book needed to go to a better home. I was initially thinking of trying to sell it on Amazon Marketplace because copies of the original are listing for £80-200, but the second edition (RRP £16) is due out in May so I doubt anyone will actually be willing to pay that much for those copies! Also in the picture are a bottle of Lipcote, to seal your lippy firmly in place, plus a vintage Peter Pan collar that I attached ribbon to before realising that it doesn't actually go with anything I wear. I have also included a book about the 1950s that was published in 1978, so that one's doubly vintage!

If you are interested in winning this little nod to the past, just leave a comment below before midnight on Tuesday. I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will announce the winner next Wednesday. Good luck!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Zealous

As with many things, when it comes to sex, having some enthusiasm for the task at hand is usually considered to be of benefit. An eager lover is far more desirable than one who simply lies back and thinks of what they need to do tomorrow. A partner who is keen to lay their hands on you and is excited about trying new things can bring out the fervent side of all of us. Whether it's a passionate zeal for the act itself or the person you are about to engage in it with, enthusiasm will win you many admirers. As long as you pick up some skills along the way, and are considerate to your lover's needs, eagerness really can go a long way. Don't take it too far though. Erogenous zones are, by their very nature, sensitive and so being over-zealous will put an end to your encounters pretty quickly!

As you can tell, this is the end of my Alternative A-to-Z of Sex. I am keen to start another alphabetical run-down, so am taking suggestions for saucy themes. I may be going with the A-to-Z of Unusual Sex, for those words that you may not have heard of, but all ideas are welcome.

Image via UggBoy's Flickr photostream.

What polyamory means to me

There has been a bit of talk about open relationships in the news over the last few days, thanks to a Republican politician named Newt Gingrich. He's hoping to get a chance to go for the trickiest job in the world and so should have been prepared for the media to pick through his private life*. It appears that he was having an affair and wanted to continue without the stress of lying, so suggested to his wife that they switch to an open marriage. FYI, this is not the correct approach. Suggesting to a partner that you open up your relationship only works when you're honest and genuinely care about the other person's feelings and not just your own.

Long discussions about how you both feel about each other - and other people - are good. Working out what to do together is good. Being as open and honest as you can is good. However, what Captain Subtext would have been saying as Gingrich asked about an open marriage was, "I've been lying to you and going behind your back to do things with this person who I now want you to be 100% happy to have in our lives. I am quite selfish." As Beth Anderson has helped me illustrate with the image you see above, this is incorrect.

Fearlessknits wrote about polyamory in The Guardian as a response to Gingrich's guilty little secret being revealed. It's an interesting piece but, as usual, some of the comments leave a lot to be desired. If I had five pounds for every time someone commented "having your cake and eating it" when the subject of consensual non-monogamy is mentioned, I'd have enough to buy a big banner that says YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING. Yes, it's like having more of something good, but it's also about people and their emotions. Please don't attempt to label us all as indecisive children who want All The Toys with your shameful use of cliché. We want all these people because we love and/or desire them, not just because we don't want you to have them. We're not selfish sex addicts, we are loving caring people who simply don't believe that monogamy works for us.

Polyamory to me is about companionship and friendship, as well as relationships. It's about love on many different levels - for example, the love I feel for a metamour is different to that which I feel for a partner but it's still love. Not every relationship has to be full-on but, just because we have other people in our lives, it doesn't mean that we simply want a light-hearted bit on the side. Giving and receiving emotional support is important, and we often have a wider circle of friends who understand our needs and are there for us. I'm not saying that monogamous people don't have this too - many do - but I just wanted to point out that polyamory isn't just about sex, or a bit of lighthearted fun. It sometimes encompasses that too, but don't be surprised if someone who's poly is a teeny bit offended when you suggest that's all their life is about.

Whether or not I choose to refer to myself as polyamorous, I shall always choose an ethical brand of non-monogamy. Even if you think that I'm simply trying to "have my cake and eat it", at least I know that there's more to it like that. I'm doing the right thing for me, and any partners I have will know that I'm being honest with them. The details may be complicated, but we just couldn't live our lives any other way.

*Although it still baffles me why anyone really cares about any detail other than whether or not a politician lied and covered it up, as that's really the only thing that's relevant to their work.

Competition Time: Feminism Friday

I will soon be moving house and so, being a bit of a hoarder, need to have a bit of a clear out of all the stuff I have acquired over the last five and a half years. As I waded through the piles of books that I hadn't read or wouldn't read again, I realised that some of visitors to my blog might be interested in them and so I have decided to run a few prize draws. Seeing as today is Friday, I thought I'd start with a little Feminism Friday competition. As you can see from the photo, this prize contains the rather controversial "The Noughtie Girl's Guide to Feminism" by Ellie Levenson. Ideal for someone who is unsure whether or not they are a feminist, or someone who is 100% sure and likes getting angry about stuff! Next up is the fantastic Suffragette and Women's War memerobilia packs that I bought from the National Portrait gallery shop back in October, plus a button badge from the sadly now defunct feminist magazine Subtext. I have also included an interesting book that I got from a professor who was clearing out her office at the last university I worked at. It was published in the early 80s and is called "Women's Work, Men's Work: The Ambivalence of Equality" by Virginia Novarra. Hopefully it's good but I have to admit that it's one of the ones that was on my unread pile!

If you are interested in winning this little pile of feminist fun, just leave a comment below before midnight on Thursday. I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will anounce the winner next Friday. Good luck!

UPDATE: If you want something interesting to read today, you should check out Retro Chick's fantastic post on vintage feminism.

Doctor Who in New York

As I said yesterday, there are two parts of my holiday that I wanted to tell you about. The first was the amazing vintage and retro clothing that I discovered, and the second was the amount of Doctor Who stuff I found in New York. I mean, I knew that US nerds were as obsessed with the show as us Brits are - many of the essays in Chicks Dig Timelords have taught me that - but I wasn't prepared for just how much of it I'd find without really looking. My first encounter was in the shop at the New Museum which had a delightfully sci-fi holiday window with Dalek 'snowmen' and a TARDIS hanging in the air above a Cylon santa in his sleigh pulled by TIE Fighters. Sadly, we didn't manage to get any decent photos of this.

Then, on Saturday 7th January we went along to Wasabassco Burlesque's spectacular free show in The Bell House in Brooklyn. We were treated to oceans of comical, sparkly and also very inventive burlesque performances - e.g. the delightful Hazel Honeysuckle as a tassel-twirling Cookie Monster - plus some great music, go-go dancing and the spectacular cowboy rope and whip skills of Chris McDaniel. However, fantastic though all that was, that's not why I wanted to write about the show. Oh no, there was far more fun in store for us sci-fi geeks. In the single most amazing costume I think I have ever seen a burlesque performer wear, we were treated to... Stormy Leather as a Cylon! The metallic, flashy lights kind too. Even those who'd never watched Battlestar Galactica in their lives must surely have enjoyed watching a woman strip robot parts from her body and leave the stage with red lights flashing up and down her spine. But that still wasn't my highlight though.

Later in the show, our wonderful host Doc Wasabassco announced that the following act would have a sci-fi theme too, based on a long-running British tv show. Then Nasty Canasta, host and producer of Naked Girls Reading NYC, appeared on the stage as an old skool Cyberman and proceeded to remove parts of her costume to the Orbital version of the Doctor Who theme. If that and the union flags on the toe caps of her Doc Marten boots wasn't enough, she was then handed an angle grinder and the sparks really started to fly! I see from her blog that this was the debut performance of this act and I can tell from the massive amount of applause and screaming that the audience absolutely loved it, so I suspect she'll probably be doing it again sometime. If you get a chance to see this woman perform, do not pass up the opportunity. There's a video of the act on her blog for those of us unable to get to her shows due to being stuck on a different continent.

The reason the audience at the Wasabassco show was so nerd-friendly was due in part to the large number of folk there who are regulars at a bar called The Way Station in Brooklyn. It's a lovely little steampunky place, that looks on first glance just like any other cozy bar with booths and comfy seating. That is, until you spot the TARDIS in the room. Yes, The Way Station's bathroom does look just like The Doctor's primary mode of transport, and it also appears to be bigger on the inside too. They have a range of Who-related cocktails and can lend you a sonic screwdriver if you've forgotten yours and want to pose for a photo. How could I resist? New York, I couldn't love you more.

Image of Nasty Canasta by Linus Gelber.

Vintage and pin-up clothing in New York

As this year began, I headed to New York with Mr Topper to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday, to visit the lovely Rachael Gray, and also to spend a while getting to know the city a bit better. We holidayed there in 2008 and, despite doing only tourist-friendly things, absolutely loved it. This time we had no plan, and the added bonus of Rachael who'd had a few months to get to know where all the cool stuff was, so we got a rather different view of NYC. I'll spare you all the blow-by-blow account of what we did while we were there, but I have decided to post here about a couple of things I think you'll like. The first of these is the amazing array of vintage and retro clothing that I found for sale.

Now, as I said before, we had no plan. When we went to Stockholm a few years ago, I made a list of all the places I wanted to visit before we'd even left the UK, and this included the likes of Beyond Retro. However, for some reason it didn't even occur to me to do the same thing for this holiday. That turned out to not be a problem at all because, on our second day in NYC, we accidentally found ourselves in the rather splendid The Dressing Room on Orchard Street, browsing their clothing, jewellery and also having a cheeky afternoon cocktail at their bar (see photo above). Just down the road from there, we discovered that David Owens Vintage Clothing has plenty of fab vintage coats, jackets and accessories, including menswear. Orchard Street is also home to Daha Vintage where I tried on a couple of beautiful skirts and a 1940s coat (which were all sadly too small). This store also has a wonderful selection of vintage shoes.

In fact, I found that most of the vintage shops I stumbled across in New York had a rather wonderful selection of shoes (in very good condition too), especially Marmalade Vintage where I bought myself a gorgeous pair of Nine West brogue-style heels (see photo). The final place I remember visiting was Screaming Mimi's on Lafayette Street, where we stopped off for me to try and find an accessory that would co-ordinate with my new shoes. I found a pretty scarf that was just what I was looking for, and could have spent far longer browsing in there than I did. Rachael bought a rather amazing leopard print faux fur coat from Screaming Mimi's, so I hope a photo of her wearing it appears on the internet soon to enable me to share the joy!

It wasn't just the vintage stores that caught my eye either - we managed to find a bit of glamorous retro clothing too. Punk store Trash & Vaudeville on St Marks Place seems an unlikely place to find pin-up clothing, but they stock a few Stop Staring dresses and I couldn't resist buying myself a slinky little polka dot number. Perhaps I should have waited a little bit though as, not long after we left that store, Rachael spotted Enz's as we walked along Second Avenue. It is an amazing little boutique, absolutely crammed to the brim with pin-up and rockabilly clothing plus some gorgeous accessories. The owner really knows her stuff too! Check out this great review by Vintage Vandalizm. If you find yourself in NYC, I would highly recommend a visit to Enz's.

I'd not really planned to do quite so much rummaging while I was away, but couldn't resist sharing the little gems I discovered, in case you find yourself in NYC soon. If you have come across any fantastic little vintage boutiques on your travels, I'd love to hear about them!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Yes

Yes. The word you say before anything else happens. We say yes to a date, yes to a drink, yes to going back to their place. However you consent to sex, there is always a yes there. Whether or not your mouth forms the word itself, there is a yes in your eagerness to proceed. Every item of clothing that falls to the floor is a yes. Every touch that is welcomed. And then you start to feel those intense feelings... the orgasm is on its way. The word you say as everything comes to an end is also yes... Yes... YES!

Image via Alexandre Dulaunoy's Flickr photostream.

Recommendation: Deluxe Magic Wand from Lovehoney

I forget exactly when, but it was a fair few years ago now that I first found out about the Hitachi Magic Wand. A sturdy beast of a vibrator, the Hitachi could be used to massage backs and shoulders, but was more often used to pretty much force an orgasm out of any woman who put it near her clit. Just too much for some and utterly indispensable for others, the magic wand is well known for packing a metaphorical punch when used as a sex toy. For years, the original Hitachi Magic Wand wasn't available in the UK but there were several alternative versions, including rechargeable massagers that could be used further away from electrical sockets than the mains-powered ones would allow.

I once bought a rechargeable wand from a seller at Erotica. It came with a power converter and, although that was bulky, it recharged quickly and safely for a couple of hours of use. Sadly, after a few years, this vibrator failed to hold its charge and so would run out of power rather too quickly. After one disappointment too many, I binned the thing. What I needed was a similar product with a power cord that was actually designed for use in the UK. Thankfully, Lovehoney has a rather impressive range of magic wands in their online store. In addition to their regular wand, they've recently launched a Deluxe mains-powered version along with more compact rechargeable micro and mini versions. As few things offer the power of this type of toy, when I was offered a chance to test their mains-powered Deluxe Magic Wand, I found it hard to refuse.

It's an extremely sturdy toy that can be used to massage aching muscles or to bring you to orgasm. Everyone should have at least one multi-purpose power tool in their home, right? Although the 1.8m power cord isn't quite long enough to reach from the spare wall socket to the bed in my current house, I'm sure it will be a pretty decent length for most people. The wand has a scroll wheel to vary the power so you can ramp it up exactly to your liking, but it's definitely worth moving your hand away from this once you've found a setting you love, so that you don't accidentally knock it. The motor is extremely powerful but sadly rather loud. It's been so long since my last magic wand worked that I can't remember how noisy that one was, but I don't think it had the same high-pitched whine when on full power. Still, when being used for sexual stimulation, chances are that you won't need it on full power for very long at all. A reviewer on the Lovehoney site pointed out that, although this toy is loud, you'll probably be much louder!

The lower speeds are great for foreplay and can be used to tease every erogenous zone you can find. In addition, if you or your partner enjoy using sturdy restraints or like to wear a corset, the vibrations from this powerful toy can be applied to one area and will travel all over the body through the rope or steel boning. This type of vibrator offers a different type of sensation when lightly touched onto skin or when pressed hard and, because you can't always anticipate how it will feel at first, it also works well as a fun toy to use with a partner. Play around and see what reactions you get wherever you place it.

I found that the highest setting was a bit too much for me during standard solo use, but it did prove to be very useful on those days when a bit extra oomph is required. Whether or not you need strong intense vibrations to get you off, the Lovehoney Deluxe Magic Wand is still worth investing in. Even if it turns out to be too much stimulation to apply to your most sensitive parts, you can always use it to massage your back when you don't have anyone else to ask! Something tells me this toy's going to last me quite some time.

Feminism Friday: What feminism means to me

It took me a while before I realised I was a feminist. In my mid-20s I discovered a new website called The F-Word and realised that I felt the same way as its writers did. I felt that women often got a rough deal in many aspects of their lives and clearly it wasn't just me being a whiny little bitch, complaining about being hard done by, because others felt the same way. Perhaps I wasn't imagining it after all. It wasn't just the big stuff that bugged me - like the fact that, on average, women still earn considerably less than men - but also little things like female celebrities always having to be 'sexy' in photographs while their male counterparts get to be funny, interesting, business-like, intriguing, intelligent and fully clothed. Don't even get me started on the pressure women have to stay looking young and slim. I can't quite explain how happy it made me feel recently to see a poster on the Tube featuring a beautiful photo of Helen Mirren, wrinkles and all.

It's not just how society behaves as a whole, either. Individual men and women can be spectacularly misogynist without even realising it. In her book How to be a Woman, Caitlin Moran suggests a handy test for working out if you are being faced with sexism, or simply just someone being rude: Would they say/do that if you were male? Basically, would this happen to a man? If the answer is no, then you're facing sexist bullshit. Men may be surprised to hear that this happens quite often to most women. In fact, some women might be surprised to hear that it happens. They've been brought up in a world where we're told that this stuff is OK, so they just shrug it off to the point where they don't even realise it's bad any more. Well, guess what? It is definitely not OK. All the little comments that we are told are just 'harmless fun' and we apparently 'have no sense of humour' if we don't laugh along... imagine life without that. Nicer, huh?

Being judged solely on your appearance, having work contacts assume you're not the boss because of your gender, extremely low rape conviction rates, the erosion of women's reproductive rights, kid's toys being segregated by gender, casual sexism making a comeback, women taking their husband's name without even thinking about it, pink gadgets for girls, porn culture being normalised... all this stuff is just as damaging to men as it is to women. As a society, we're all just sucking it up and questioning nothing. Men are conditioned to believe they should be active and aggressive - just as women should be passive and meek - and so any supposed 'weakness' is seen as an un-masculine flaw. Men are entitled to very little paternity leave and so they can rarely afford to become the primary care-giver for their new baby, even if they want to be. How is all this gender-based nonsense good for anyone?

You don't have to look a certain way to be a feminist. It doesn't matter what clothes you wear, how much hair you have or what variety of genitals you possess. You don't have to hate men, or porn, or cosmetics. You can be a stay-at-home parent who enjoys baking and still be a feminist. You just have to point out the bullshit and believe in a better world. To be honest, you don't even have to like the word feminist! It's just better if we all huddle together for warmth, support and getting our voices heard. Feminism to me means questioning things and, hopefully, making other people stop and think. Even though my feminism may be of the armchair variety, every movement needs talkers as well as do-ers so I'm just as welcome as anyone.

Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? If so, what does it mean to you? If not, why not? Do share your stories in the comments section as I'd be very interested to hear them.

First image by lipsticklori, second via natashalcd's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Xenophilia

Xenophilia is described as an affection for unknown objects or people. It could apply to a desire for sex with strangers and so could be used to describe those who enjoy swinging or cruising. It can also apply to an attraction to things/people that are foreign. An English woman who lusts after Greek men is perhaps something of a xenophile, as is someone who is turned on by people simply speaking in languages other than their own (see Jamie-Lee Curtis in A Fish Called Wanda). However, as you might expect, pornography seems to take the definition to an extreme. Alien is another word for foreign, so clearly xenophiles want to have sex with aliens, right? I was about to dismiss this idea entirely and then I remembered a certain alien race, the last of which have regenerated into rather desirable forms in recent years. If Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, John Simm and Matt Smith were actual real life examples of alien life, I think I'd be more than happy with that type of xenophilia!

Image by the BBC, via Den of Geek.

Spending mindfully on a shoestring

Guest Blogger #13 - The very helpful and wise Desirée has some useful post-Christmas tips for you. If you like what you see here, she can be found at ladyuhuru.com or on twitter as @ladyuhuru.

When I first moved to the UK 4½ years ago, I not only had the shock of living in London, one of the most expensive cities in the world, but also the horrific (at the time) US Dollar to British Pounds exchange rate. The money I had went faster than I thought possible: on theatre tickets, tube fares, pints at the pub, even on sandwiches from the corner shop. I have learned much since then about how to live on a budget in London; but I’ll always have much more to learn because London is a multi-layered and multi-faceted place with a wide range of incomes, from the insanely wealthy to the extremely poor. Most cities in the world are like this, but the advantage is that London does cater for the poorer side of that spectrum if you know where to look.

It’s the new year and undoubtedly many of you will have made resolutions of "spend less money" or "save more", so here are a few words about how to get into the mindset of spending less money and more mindfully. These tips can be applied to anyone, not just my fellow Londoners:

Budgeting

• Budget carefully, but first you need to be fully aware of your own spending habits and patterns.
• So step one: track your expenditure. Get a small notebook dedicated for this, that you can carry around in your pocket or handbag; or if you prefer a smartphone version you can use a money-tracking application like "Tap Money Tracker" (for Android) or YNAB or Jotnot (for iPhone). You’ll need to use the categories on these and log your spending diligently for a week.
• After a week, sit down and look at everything you’ve spent. You may notice that you spend an excessive amount of money on going to the pub, eating out, and on transportation (especially in London). Don’t beat yourself up about it; we all do it and it’s a sign of a healthy social life.
• Next, make a realistic budget – I cannot emphasise the "realistic" aspect of this enough. I recommend doing this on a weekly basis. Every week, take out what you will need to spend in cash on food, transportation, entertainment, etc, and put this cash into separate envelopes.
• Once the cash is gone, it’s gone, and you will not be able to spend any more for that week. Try this for a month and see how you go. Adjust the following month’s budget according to your needs, incomings, and outgoings, and based on your experience of the past month.

Transportation

• Oyster: buy a Travelcard/bus pass to make sure your travel is covered.
• Oyster: show an LUL office your National Railcard to get a lower daily capping rate on PAYG fares.
• If you're a student at a London university (including part-time OU students living in London) you can get a student Oyster card.
• Open University will often pay for your study if you're on Jobseekers Allowance (some exceptions) which gives you something to do during the day and a qualification at the end of it.
• TfL Single Fare Finder, if you use PAYG Oyster, tells you how much a single fare is and helps you avoid Zone 1 if possible.
• Utilise the buses more than the tube, if you can help it. The fares tend to be much cheaper, and you are more likely to get a seat on the bus than the tube. Use the extra time to read your book or listen to some podcasts. Check the TFL website for busroutes 

Culture

London has some amazing free museums:

• Near Holborn in Central London: the British Museum – massive and free!
• Kensington: the Victoria & Albert Museum, Natural History Museum and the Science Museums. These are all within walking distance and most exhibits are sponsored (and therefore free!).
• Sloane Square; visit the Saatchi Modern Art Gallery, which is also free with a good rotation of exhibits.
• South Bank: Tate Modern is excellent and the main exhibitions are free. I also recommend investing in an annual Tate membership, which means you can free entry into all the exhibitions, as well as entrance to the members bar (plus all the food and drinks in the members bar are much cheaper). This is a pretty fantastic way to spend a first date (or even a 30th date!), if I do say so myself.

Eating in

• Avoiding eating out (apart from special occasions) is also an essential strategy for living in a city like London. Invest in lots of Tupperware and a slow cooker. Do batch cooking on Saturday or Sunday for most of your week, or if you’re home many nights you can do a weekly mealplan.
• As for food shopping, use your local resources: corner shops, pound shops, markets, etc.
• Vegetables are much cheaper in corner shops or markets than in supermarkets, although do bear in mind that if bought in a corner shop or market they will tend to go “off” more quickly than other places.
• Do a big online grocery shop once a month for non-perishables and heavy things like tins, rice, pasta, juice etc – you can make a lot of savings that way.

For regular tips on saving money and spending smartly, please check out my brand-new new tumblr shoestringlondon.tumblr.com

(Many thanks to the following people for their contributions: Andi Rutherford, Katie Sutton, Moodthy Al-Ghorairi, Sarah Whittaker, and Leah Ridgway)

All Change

Guest Blogger #12 - Melissa has a beautifully NSFW Tumblr blog and can often on be found on Twitter. In fact... that's where she found me.

Settling into the single bed in my Mum's spare bedroom on Christmas Night, was not where I thought I'd be at the beginning of 2011. Feeling like a teenager again, with my Mum excitedly coming to greet me in the mornings, and checking if I'm OK during the day. Having gone through a major relationship separation this year, including moving out and into my own place, I've had a year of significant change. It seems I'm not alone. Many I know have made radical decisions in 2011. Calculated, considered, but certainly reviewing what they have against what they want. The common thread that binds us is an evaluation of what we need, physically and emotionally as we move into 2012. Some have needed to go through intense pain as their relationships with themselves and others evolve.Talking to friends and colleagues, it's clear that it isn't an 'age thing', as there are a variety of ages and lifestyles involved.

I believe these shifts have come as a reaction to what's going on around us. 2011 has been a challenging year economically, socially, politically, encouraging us to reflect on what's important to us. To consider which relationships to let go of, and which to invest more in. What inspires us and motivates us in terms of self development? Where do we want to be socially and how do we want to spend our time? What type of working environment do we thrive from, or what sacrifices are we prepared to make to lead certain lifestyles? My evaluations and decisions have been driven by what I need and want, rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing. Many people I know are choosing to feel less socially constrained by imposed stereotypes and judgement, instead they are opting to make themselves happy first. And isn't this the point? What it has taken me 33 years to realise, is that making yourself happy first means you have the motivation, energy and space to have fulfilling relationships with others. Whatever form they take.

2012 feels full of promise, of new adventures, new experiences, new friends, and of course holding those who we already have in our lives closer. One I will be embracing wholeheartedly, I deserve it!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Why

Why do you want sex? What are the reasons behind it? Do you genuinely desire and want to fuck the person you're with right now, or do you merely think that doing so will keep them happy? Are you having sex because you want to feel loved, because you need an orgasm, because you're keen to try something new, or simply because you can? In a way, it doesn't really matter what the reason is but it's always useful to have some idea why you're doing something, as it will then make it easier to get your needs met. Whatever your reason for intimately exploring another person, just make sure it is of benefit to you and not solely a choice made in order to please someone else. It takes (at least) two, so don't for a second think that your own desires are unimportant. You really are worth it.

Waiting For A Weightless Perspective

Guest Blogger #11 - Claire Nelson is a tea-obsessed writer and harmonica player. She recently moved from London back to her native New Zealand, but we all still stalk her on Twitter.

I have a question. When was it decided that the single most pressing issue concerning women was our appearance? It seems that weight loss has become the headlining issue in the world of women’s magazines, and frankly, there are far more interesting things to talk about.

I’m not about to discount the issue of body image - and I realise that for a lot of women the weight loss mission rages on in their day to day lives. But right there, fuelling those insecurities, are our beloved magazines; singing about diet tips, playing dress-ups with models and reassuring us that we too can attain physical perfection with the right personal trainer. It’s like the chicken and egg syndrome: magazines may claim they write about body insecurity because it plagues so many women; but so many women are plagued by body insecurity because magazines are constantly preaching about attaining an ideal.

Not that I entirely blame media for this ongoing quest for perfection; of course I think there is more to it than magazines. Yet media has such a big part to play. With publication comes responsibility, and if you are feeding information and ideas to thousands of women, there needs to be some forethought into the message that is being put out there. The idea that weight loss is the holy grail ought to be knocked on its head once and for all. Surely we are motivated by more than appearance?

Case in point: does anyone really need to know how much so-and-so ate during their interview, or how petite they look in real life? Can’t we just hear what they have to say? I keep looking for better, bolder, more intelligent magazines for women, and I have found a few, but from time to time I will still find weight-related headlines slapped on their covers.

Even when the subject is wrapped up in the angle of overcoming poor body image - a subject which can be so powerful when approached well - it often comes out like a patronising pat on the back of the average woman: as if to say, “Your shape is lovely too, even though you don’t look like the pictures in our magazine”. The message needs to go beyond the article.

Certainly information on health and fitness is valuable, yet I do not see enough features on health and fitness written for the sake of just that. Too often the focus is on getting that “bikini body“, and fitting into those skinny jeans, and so the fitness-for-the-sake-of-fitness concept is denied a place on the pedestal. Even interviews with female athletes are dumbed down and turned into discussions about body shape and fitness fashion, and suddenly we’re comparing ourselves to an ideal again. It seems that when it comes to women, it always has to be about how we look.

Of course it’s not all bad. Sometimes magazines get it very right, and I hang on to those magazines that “get” it. But why are there so few? I know so many intelligent, empathic writers and editors, and I wonder why it is that mags are still doing this. I would love to see more publications step away from body image altogether, drive the focus to what is going on in our brains, and frankly, stop making a big deal about the way we look. All women deserve a better source of motivation.

OK, as women we may take an interest in our appearance, but what would happen if we just stopped focusing on appearance altogether? My god, imagine the interesting things we would read about! If I were to describe my ideal magazine content I would like to use the words “motivate”, “inspire” and “challenge” but your average magazine seems to attach these to the diet and weight-loss regime. I would love to see these words reinstated in the minds - rather than bodies - of women because that’s where the most interesting and incredible ideas are to be found.

It’s all very well to talk about women being different shapes and sizes, but more importantly, we all have brains! We all have something brilliant to offer! Ladies, don’t we all have other things on our minds? I for one think it’s about time we started reading more about those.