Oh, look... I'm a sex blogger

Back in 2009, I discovered BitchBuzz and immediately decided that I simply must write for them. I messaged the editor, Cate Sevilla, and one of the questions she asked me was which section of the site I'd like to write for. I considered the subjects I was knowledgeable enough in to enable me to write regularly, and then compared that to what BitchBuzz already had. Could I fill any gaps? It turned out that the sex section was somewhat lighter on content than the others at the time, so I offered to write a weekly article. When my first piece went online on 4th Dec 2009, I had no idea this would be the start of something bigger.

Since then, I have become the official BitchBuzz Sex & Relationships columnist and have been posting to the site on a weekly basis for over two years. It's been challenging trying to come up with new topics to write about each week, but it has helped me expand my horizons and knowledge of sexuality. I have covered sexual ethics, kissing, shame, sex education, fantasies, sex toys, orgasms, oral sex, positions, beginners kink, safe sex, anticipation, media coverage of sex, female ejaculation, anal, labelling sexuality, porn, lack of sex, swinging, masturbation, assorted sex tips and a few product reviews too. Funnily enough, after a year or so of this, some people started to think of me as a sex blogger.

I didn't really think of myself as a sex blogger though. After all, Rarely Wears Lipstick is my blog and I didn't really write about sex here. Which got me thinking... why don't I start writing about sex here? What's stopping me? After all, the subject of sex sits perfectly well next to fashion. Women's magazines have been doing that for years! Plus, one of my great fashion loves is lingerie, and that really is a good fit. So I decided to expand the subjects I covered on my blog and make space for my sex writing here too.

This year I shall be fully embracing my new sex blogger status. I've been interviewed by the lovely ladies at The High Tea Cast for their March 'sex and relationships' podcast, and on Saturday I'll be sitting on two panels at the first UK sex writers conference, Eroticon 2012. Then, in May, I'll be speaking at women's blogging conference Cybher. Can you believe that, when Sian first asked me to be a part of Cybher, I naively asked her what she wanted to me speak about!

Feminism Friday: Trans Media Watch

On Monday I went to a fascinating talk by Juliet Jacques, as part of LGBT History Month. Although the mainstream media are now far better at discussing the L and G, B still gets very little coverage and T... well, T is still so very misunderstood. Even though it's now 2012! Because of this, Juliet thought long and hard about writing her Transgender Journey blog for The Guardian but decided that covering her transition in detail for a national newspaper might help the media get over their obsession with that aspect of what it means to be trans. This might enable them to move on to cover other issues instead.

Whatever good the blog has achieved, it's pretty obvious sometimes that only Guardian readers are paying attention. Recently I have seen articles entitled "Sex addict who claims she had slept with 1,000 men... used to be a MAN herself" in the Daily Mail, and "Five-year-old boy trapped in wrong gender living life as a girl" in the Metro. Crystal Warren is cast by the Mail as someone out to 'fool' men, whereas the poor kid is outed by her parents and then misgendered throughout the entire article. Every time a piece of this sort appears in the mainstream press, it adds to the public's misunderstanding of trans women and men. Trans Media Watch has a handy guide for journalists to help them understand the subject they are writing about, so why do so many newspapers continue to ignore it?

The reason I decided to post about this today, as part of my Feminism Friday series, is because radical feminists are another group which continues to mistreat trans women and it's sickening. I detest the idea that someone could lump me in with such hateful people. Why can't everyone make more of an effort to understand others? It's not difficult. It's not as if there's no information out there at all! Hateful people make me want to burn things, and I'm usually such a 'nice girl'.

Image via NS Newsflash's Flickr photostream.

Honey rides the Love Bomb

Guest Blogger #14 - Burlesque bad girl and fellow lingerie lover Honey Schnapps attended a press event for Rarely Wears Lipstick last week. Here she reports back on some gorgeous new collections.

Last week I attended the climax to online lingerie collaboration project The Love Bomb. Held at the decadent Cirque Du Soir in the West End, The Love Bomb Catwalk show got London Fashion Week off to a super sexy bang with desirable lingerie and swimwear collections for the year ahead from independent brands Kiss Me Deadly, Playful Promises, Paolita and Lucile.

The show kicked off with a magnificent fire breathing display courtesy of burlesque vamp princess Aurora Galore. Just as lower jaws had been lifted off the ground after Galore’s dazzling performance, hot Latin beats burst from the speakers to announce Paolita’s spicy new swimwear collection. Adorned with bright head scarves and hoop earrings, the models sashayed in bikinis and swimsuits with cut out panels full of vibrant colours and prints inspired by silk scarves, tattoos and exotic patterns. This collection evokes dreams of holidays in tropical paradise while looking smoking hot too.

The show took a new turn with Playful Promises and their most dramatic range to date. Reminiscent of Bettie Page, this fetish-inspired AW12 lingerie collection included vintage style bras with cage-effect straps and high waist briefs with mesh panels in seductive black. New prints included raspberry satin with silhouettes of pin up girls. In contrast to the dark sexiness of their lingerie, Playful Promises’ swimwear was bright flirty and full of lush floral prints. Also for 2012, Playful Promises have branched out into clothing such as Monroe-esque figure hugging dresses that match the lingerie from upcoming collections.

Next was femme fatales’ favourite Kiss Me Deadly with a seductive collection including fresh new takes on their bestsellers such as the Jezebel longline knickers (I now firmly believe that one pair in my undies drawer is not enough!) with spotted mesh as well as retro bras, briefs, waist cinchers and girdles with mesh and satin panels in shades of black, warm red, ivory, midnight blue and the most gorgeous shade of all... peacock!

Finally, Lucile brought the show to a spectacular close with their luxurious AW12 collection - an embodiment of elegance and romance with their long satin and chiffon robes, full length night gowns, high waist briefs and balconette bras in divine black, ivory and red with sophisticated trims of lace, satin bows and subtle floral appliqués. This collection reminded me of 1930s Hollywood film stars who made glamour look effortless. Older generations claim that glamour no longer exists. Hopefully the likes of Lucile can prove such a notion wrong!

All images by Honey Schnapps.

Recommendation: Style Me Vintage

I think vintage clothing is quite exciting. Finding beautiful old garments for sale that have been well looked after, and are a perfect fit, is one of life's little pleasures. However, when you look further than the garments themselves, vintage fashion can be rather daunting. How do you pick an era with a style that suits you? How do you know what to look for when you're shopping? How on earth do you work out if the dress a shop is claiming to be from the 1950s is actually that old and therefore worth the money? Whether or not you want to dress in a head-to-toe vintage look, a basic knowledge of 20th century fashions and clothing can really help when choosing items for your wardrobe. It’ll help you not get ripped off and it can also be very inspiring. Even if you decide that vintage isn’t for you at all, knowing how to put together a decent flapper look can often be helpful for the odd fancy dress party!

Not many people have such detailed knowledge of vintage clothing though. There are loads of us who love rummaging in the many boutiques that are springing up all over the place, but we don't always know very much about what we're buying. However, there is one woman who we can turn to. Naomi Thompson is well known to anyone with an internet connection and even a passing interest in vintage clothes and styling. She started Vintage Secret as an online shop in 2008, and has since moved on to offer a personal shopping and styling service, using her vast knowledge to help you find that perfect frock. She is sought after by magazines and TV shows as a vintage clothing expert, and is part of the notorious Vintage Mafia. Clearly she is a woman who could answer any question you have on vintage clothes and styling, and she probably has a fair few useful shopping tips too. Thankfully, we can all share in this now because... Naomi has written a book! She summarises it perfectly on her own site:

"Style Me Vintage Clothes is one half 60 years of WEARABLE looks which you can emulate or mix and match, one half all my tricks and tips. I am a firm believer in choosing your own style, so please, have read through and be inspired to come up with you own version of a look. It’s not a history book but it is peppered with relevant historical influences on fashion."

Style Me Vintage: Clothes is a very splendid book indeed. Rather than simply providing you with a list of shops - which would probably not be in your area and would also go out of date rather quickly - Naomi has decided to do something far more useful. She shares handy tips that will be useful no matter where in the world you live, and has also selected some gorgeous looks to inspire you. From the 1920s to 1980s, each decade is covered with just the right amount of detail. You get a short summary of the social history of the era that had an effect on the fashions of the time, a summary of the key styles of the decade, shopping lists of garments and accessories which typify those years, and a couple of extremely wearable looks broken down for you to copy or be inspired by. There are also useful hints on swimwear and lingerie, plus suggestions of good reproduction companies which can also provide you with period appropriate accessories or clothing. Much as I love vintage clothing, finding items in larger sizes can sometimes be a pain so this is very handy indeed!

If you're bored of mainstream fashion, this book is a great way to start trying to develop your own individual look with the help of vintage clothing. It has plenty of information that will be useful to all but the most experienced of vintage experts, and many gorgeous photos to drool over. This is definitely a book that any vintage loving gal should make sure she has on her bookshelf.

South Coast Sweethearts

We all need a little bit of sunshine in our lives, especially at the end of a cold week in February, so I thought I'd share a lovely little treat with you. To celebrate the launch of their spring/summer 2012 collection, those glamorous gals at What Katie Did have produced their own short film, "South Coast Sweethearts", which stars the upcoming Marlene range - 50s lingerie with a stunning 20s design influence, in peach and black - plus some new 'summery' colours of their existing Deco range. You will also spot the current Fonda range (which I am already a big fan of!), as well as their lovely retro swimwear and sets from the classic continuity ranges Maîtresse and Glamour. It's an adorable and slightly naughty little retro romp that you simply must watch. Looks like Miss Miranda and Mam'zelle Maz really know how to enjoy themselves on holiday!

And if this wasn’t enough to satisfy your lust for lingerie, What Katie Did are also throwing a launch party for the SS12 collection at their west London boutique on Sunday 4th March. There will be a runway show and burlesque performance at 3pm, but make sure you arrive a bit beforehand so that you don't miss out on the Hendrick's cocktails and delicious Vintage Patisserie cakes. If I get there before you, there is a chance their stocks of these refreshments may run dangerously low! I shall be stopping off there with Rubyyy Jones, on our way back from speaking at sex writers conference Eroticon in Bristol, so I do hope to see some of you there. If I wasn't driving, I'd be flashing my Fonda at you all that day. Now there's a lovely new euphemism!

Sticking to our strengths

It's a universally acknowledged truth that it is better to write about what you know. When I started blogging about 10 years ago, I wrote about whatever appealed at that particular moment. I would witter on about cars, radio shows and whatever interesting links were flying round the so-called blogosphere that day. I'd talk about fashion, evening classes, photography, and would sometimes veer off into feminist rants. It was never very focused, but it was my blog and so the only person it needed to appeal to was me.

These days, blogging is an entirely different beast. Even personal sites have a more commercial edge to them, because PR folk have cottoned on to the fact that absolutely loads of people read blogs. Mind you, I doubt they'd accept 'loads' as a reply if they wanted to know your site's traffic! Bloggers now write (or attempt to write) like journalists, and readers rarely get involved in discussions in the comments section because they just don't have time. Blogging's not just a little cosy world for you and your friends any more - now we have social media for that kind of thing.

So, as I kept up with the blog due to my love of writing, I realised that I was going to need to focus a little more. I worked out my core strengths - writing about fashion/style, feminism and sex/relationships - and tried to concentrate on those wherever possible. After a year of a more streamlined output, I started to be seen as something of an expert in these things. Not massively so, but enough for me to be surprised by it. I was invited to be on a fashion panel at last year's SHINE unconference, and this year I will be speaking about sex writing at both Eroticon 2012 in March and Cybher in May.

I don't consider myself to be an expert on feminism, but everything I write about has a feminist slant to it because one of my core beliefs is that no one should be treated any differently from others solely because of their gender. I doubt anyone would ask me to give an expert opinion on a feminist topic, but I like to think that it is still possible to write about sex and feminism. And, when you add fashion into the mix, well, lingerie is where it all meets, right? Perhaps this just means I should write more about lingerie? Hmm... what would you like to see more of on Rarely Wears Lipstick?

The image is a screenshot of my rather minimalist blog back in 2004.

Fall in love with yourself on V-Day

I've mentioned before that lingerie should be primarily purchased with the needs of the wearer in mind, rather than anyone who might have the pleasure of viewing it, and I figured this was probably worth mentioning again as it's Valentine's Day again. There will be much skimpy frilly joy being wafted around retail outlets with the suggestion that it will be a "treat for him" on 14th February. This just makes me wonder, a) about women who are dating other women, and b) if anyone considers that it's confident women wearing lingerie that look hot. If you hate wearing a thong covered in pink hearts, it's really not going to set anyone's pulse racing.

You might be lusting after some gorgeous Playful Promises 'eyelash' bra and briefs, pretty yet comfy Limited Collection basics from M&S, anything made by the divinely named Buttress and Snatch, amazing vintage inspired pieces from Made by Niki, or just simple Moomin boypants from Topshop. Doesn't matter. If it makes you feel good, you'll look good! Of course, I personally like a bit of vintage style glamour, so my choice would involve stockings and suspenders. An easy way to make any plain black lingerie set appear more sexy, whilst also remaining comfortable, would be to invest in a Vargas 'Roll On' girdle from Kiss Me Deadly. Lounging around the house alone in your skimpies doesn't get much better than this!

What is fashion?

If someone asked you to describe fashion, what would you say? Do you think of Vogue, catwalk shows and umpteen super-cool fashion bloggers? Do you love the latest Prada menswear collection, faithfully follow trends, or utterly detest being told what to wear? When talking about clothing, many people assume that the umbrella term fashion refers only to something that is or was 'fashionable'. Something that adheres to a popular mainstream trend as dictated by catwalk shows, magazine editors and store buyers. However, you can still be interested in fashion even if you can't stand the thought of wearing something like pastel 20s-inspired pyjamas this season, or if you fail to see the joy in anything on display at New York Fashion Week. An interest in fashion can be as broad as the subject itself.

If you look past what magazines and newspapers report on - into the world of books, and fashion as a subject of study - fashion begins to speak about changes in society, subcultures, mainstream definitions of gender, and even an individual's sense of identity. Fashion is an industry of designers, crafts people, manufacturers, retailers, photographers, make-up artists, hairdressers, stylists, PR folk and journalists. We all wear clothing and, whether we like it or not, what we choose to adorn our bodies with says a lot about us to other people. It always has. Fashion is a subject that goes deeper than who wore what on the red carpet at last night's BAFTAs... well, unless you look at Livia Firth's Green Carpet Challenge. Now there's an aspect of this industry that speak volumes about 21st Century western society. Let's hope this becomes the Formula 1 of fashion, driving forward exciting innovation that will later be adopted by the mainstream. I await the chance to buy my own recycled soda bottle fabrics with great interest.

Poly Means Many: Series summary

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, More Than Nuclear, One Sub's Mission, Post Modern Sleaze, and Rarely Wears Lipstick - will write about their views on one of them.

February 2012: Explaining Non-monogamy

• ALBJ - To tell, or not to tell?
• An Open Book - Explaining it to monogamous people
• More Than Nuclear - You just haven't met the right one yet
• One Sub's Mission - Telling people
• Post Modern Sleaze - Explain yourself
• Rarely Wears Lipstick - Explaining alternatives to monogamy

March 2012: Jealousy

• ALBJ - Shuddering fear and green-eyed jealousy
• An Open Book - But don't you get jealous?
• One Sub's Mission - Jealousy
• Post Modern Sleaze - Green eyed monster
• Rarely Wears Lipstick - Don't you ever get jealous?

April 2012: Wants and Needs

• An Open Book - Needs, wants and self knowledge
• More Than Nuclear - Needs and wants
• One Sub's Mission - Needs and wants
• Post Modern Sleaze - Needs and wants
• Rarely Wears Lipstick - What do I want? What do I need?

May 2012: Rules and Boundaries

• ALBJ - Boundaries and rules
• An Open Book - The Veto
• More Than Nuclear - No rules? No such thing
• One Sub's Mission - Boundaries and rules
• Rarely Wears Lipstick - Who needs relationship rules and boundaries?

NOTE: This entry will be updated each month with the links to each writer's post on the topic. Although there are six of us, we won't all be posting every time.

How does a fabric handle?

It might sounds a bit strange to ask how a fabric handles, as this is usually a question reserved for sporty motorised vehicles. However, the definition is pretty much the same in both cases - "To behave or perform in a particular way when handled" - and refers to how the object feels. Handle is not something that usually springs to mind when I browse clothing in high street stores, because most fabric used in mainstream garments feels exactly the way you would expect. Chunky knit jumper with a dull finish and no fluffiness to the fibres? Yup, that's cotton. But every now and again something comes along that surprises when you touch it., like wet-look leggings. The look like they're made of PVC, so anyone with a little knowledge of fabrics would expect them to feel a bit stiff, but they were just as soft and flexible as ordinary leggings. They're easily recognisable now, but were quite a surprise at first.

Ever since I spent three years studying textiles, I have been unable to resist fondling garments in shops so that I can find out whether the handle and drape are what I expect. Most of the time, I'm correct. Occasionally, stores throw me a curve ball. Today I reached out and grabbed something that my eyes and brain just couldn't make any sense of whatsoever, and it was made from a soft synthetic knit with a pile... like knitted faux fur. Then I spotted a cute pleated skirt that I really couldn't work out the fibre content of. Turns out it's polyurethane!

It's easy for designers to go for striking colours and patterns that look good in photographs, but it's very clever indeed to design clothing using fabrics with a handle so pleasing that you have to buy it after just one touch. Not only does it appeal if something feels interesting to your own skin, but it's also a great conversation starter with someone you've got your eye on! I'm not sure if I'm in the minority with my need to touch fabrics in order to fully understand them, but it makes me happy that some retailers are also thinking that way too. The world needs more touchy-feely clothes.

Red carpet hair

Back in 2010, I posted about how I get my 1950s style curls to stay, but more recently I have been somewhat less successful with that look. If I sleep in the rollers, I need to make sure that my hair is dry before my head hits the pillow if I want to avoid the dreaded frizz. If I don't sleep in the rollers, I need to make sure I use loads of product otherwise the curls will drop faster than you can say "dammit". As a result, I have been searching for a way to easily create a glamorous look that will hold its own.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am incredibly lazy, especially when it comes to my hair. Any styling routine that takes too long to explain or to actually carry out will very quickly fall by the wayside. Remember that book on 1940s hairstyles that I gave away recently? It just looked far too complicated, so I stuck with quick and easy tips I've picked up from various places over the years. The problem is... I still kinda want my hair to look as effortlessly glamorous as it does when my hairdresser styles it. So, it's time to bring in the professionals - more specifically, John Frieda and a video tutorial called retro curls.



OK, so it looks a little bit faffy in places, but there's not too much to remember and it seems like it might be the sort of thing that I'd get quicker at with practise. Over the weekend, I'm going to set aside a little time to try this out and will then report back next week to let you know how it went. If the curls last, it might even be worth a bit more effort than usual.

Recommendation: TOR II by LELO

Those lovely people at LELO have released another of their exciting and delightfully labelled 'pleasure objects', just in time for Valentine's Day. Why settle for a meal at a restaurant (which, inevitably, will have an especially pricey menu specifically for that evening), when you could be relaxing at home trying out what LELO claims is "The World's Most Powerful Waterproof and Rechargeable Couples' Ring"? More pleasure for both of you, and it's also completely waterproof? I was intrigued even before I saw the delightfully enticing mood shot of the chap with his whisky!

The design of the new and improved TOR II is just as sleek and desirable as their other vibrators, and its quality silicone one-piece shell means it's body safe, durable and 100% waterproof. You can even use it in the bath, apparently! It has a variety of powerful stimulation modes, just like the Lyla I tested last year, and all are easily adjustable by a simple interface. No one likes to be fiddling away to find the right setting, only to find that a small knock changes it or switches the damn thing off. Chance of that happening with a LELO toy are slim-to-none, I reckon.

When my discreetly packaged TOR II arrived, I unwrapped it with the same product lust as something with an Apple logo on it. This really is a quality product designed to make sex feel sensual, rather than sleazy. The sleek black LELO box contained a charger, instructions, warranty, storage pouch, a helpful sachet of lubricant and the toy itself. It charges quickly, but not as quickly as I managed to read the instruction booklet - this vibrator is certainly very straightforward to use! According to the blurb, the rechargeable vibrating portion "gives targeted stimulation for her during lovemaking", while the gentle constriction offered by the silicone rings gives "a longer-lasting and more substantial presence, ensuring a more satisfying experience for both partners." These guys are not only the master of design, but it seems like they can also describe what a sex toy does without sounding smutty! At this point, I was very much looking forward to enjoying my partner's more, ahem, substantial presence.

In order to use the TOR II, the gentleman who is going to wear it will first need to have some of the aforementioned 'presence'. The ring can then be stretched to fit and left to sit at the base, using some water-based lube to ensure no snagging happens when positioning the vibrating part according to your needs. How you wear it can be adjusted to target the vibrations in whichever direction is best for you, your partner and the positions you both choose. For testing purposes, we went with the bulk of the TOR II on top so that the vibrations would give clitoral stimulation when used in our favourite position.

The first squeal of delight came when I discovered that my partner's genitals had essentially been turned into a vibrator. This was a rather amusing moment, but it wasn't long before I was keen to see how it felt on something other than my fingers. The initial reaction it received from me upon hitting the spot we intended was rather intense and, if I hadn't first mentioned that this was something we were trying our for a review, I think I would have completely forgotten to test the other settings! We worked our way through the different pulsing modes and I think there probably is one for each mood, just like LELO claim.

Having only even tried a disposable ring before, I was very impressed with the power of the vibrations from the TOR II and it certainly hit the spot for me. The view from the other side was that the vibrations somewhat distracted from the other sensations he usually enjoys during sex, and the slight bulk of the toy meant that some depth was lost. However, even this will not stop us using it again, and I can definitely see how it would be extremely useful to some people. If a female partner needs extra stimulation, or a male partner wants to last a bit longer, the TOR II would definitely be for you.

Even if you don't need it though, you should definitely want one. The LELO TOR II is a fantastic little toy. Compact, powerful and virtually hands-free, a case packed for a naughty weekend away would hardly be complete without it. After all, what else are you going to use while slippery in a gorgeous hotel bath that's made for two?

Explaining alternatives to monogamy

If you ever have to explain polyamory to family or friends who have never come across the idea that there's an alternative to monogamy, how do you do it? More importantly, how do you explain things if it's your own relationship(s) you're talking about? Personally, I have no idea! I can tell you how not to do it. Making your 'open relationship' status visible to family on Facebook, thinking "they'll ask if it needs explaining", and then promptly forgetting you've done so is not a good way to begin that discussion. But, after years of pondering and missing golden opportunities in conversations with my parents due to simply being too scared to "come out", it seemed like a good idea at the time. Sadly, in the weeks that followed, I didn't get a chance to explain much about how ethical non-monogamy works, but I did manage to reassure my mother that a) my relationship isn't on the rocks, b) we are still very much in love, c) I wasn't forced into anything, and d) it makes us both very happy indeed to live our lives this way.

So, how should I have done it? Non-monogamy in general, and polyamory more specifically, is a very tricky concept to explain to people who have been happily monogamous their entire lives and have no concept of there even being another way of life. Although I did manage to get the most important point across to my parents - that it's consensual! - there was an awful lot that I missed out because they weren't yet ready to learn more. Perhaps the time will come when I can point them towards an article I wrote on polyamory for BitchBuzz last year?

"It's about being intimate with more than one person. Sex, love... the works. It's about the understanding that, for some, one person alone simply cannot be their 'everything'. It's also about the radical notion that love is not finite. You can love more than one child, right? Try applying the same concept to romantic love. For some people that's not just possible, it's also desirable."

When I first discovered ethical non-monogamy, the additional connections I made were physical only and so there was very little need to tell anyone else. After all, why would I come out to friends, family and co-workers about being a swinger? That just amounts to telling people too much about your sex life, and who wants to be thought of as an over-sharer? People I saw more often were referred to simply as 'friends' in wider conversation, which wasn't exactly a lie, so my conscience was clean. There was just more to those friendships than most people would think. After a while though, things became more serious and so the need to share what had become a very important aspect of my life became far more pressing.

In recent years, I have had three additional relationships which haven't really been discussed with family or co-workers. Not because I'm embarrassed by them, or because I'm trying to hide the truth. My silence is simply because I just don't know how to begin the conversation. Once people start asking questions, I can tell them that everyone involved knows what's going on and there's no lies or cheating. I can tell them that it's about consenting adults who trust and respect each other. I can tell them we negotiate boundaries, stick to agreements, communicate honestly, and remain loyal and committed to those we are in a relationship with.

We all have friends and family members who satisfy little parts of us that our partners don't. The friend who loves cocktail bars like you do, while your partner prefers a real ale pub. The sister who loves action movies more than your other half who will never go to see one with you. The mother who chats for hours about the random crap you like, or the friend who loves the political discussions that your partner would rather avoid. Even people who have never contemplated the existence of something other than monogamy are familiar with the concept that we all need a few people around us in order to be happy. Poly people do more things with these people than non-poly folk do, but it's essentially the same idea. I reckon that, if you can understand that, the rest will come in time.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, More Than Nuclear, One Sub's Mission, Post Modern Sleaze, and Rarely Wears Lipstick - will write about their views on one of them.

My Posts on BitchBuzz: January 2012

It has been suggested that I provide a monthly summary of the pieces I've written for BitchBuzz, with links, just in case you missed any of them. As this is clearly a brilliant idea (thanks Amanda!), I decided to get started straight away with a post directing you to the articles that were published in January. As I've been writing for them since December 2009, there are plenty of other interesting sex/relationship posts from me over on BitchBuzz, so I have linked to them in the sidebar in case you fancy a rummage through my archives!

BitchBuzz Culture: The Museum of Sex in New York City
"The large museums are often well known and well frequented in most major cities, but it's often the smaller places that have the really interesting exhibits. As the BitchBuzz Sex & Relationships columnist, on a recent trip to New York City I just couldn't resist visiting the Museum of Sex on 5th Avenue."

BitchBuzz Life: How to Talk to Your Partner
"It never ceases to amaze me just how many people have things they reckon they can't tell their partner. The person they're in a long-term relationship with, sometimes living under the same roof and often the person they've made a public and legal commitment to. Surely that would be the one person who'd you'd share the good and bad stuff with?"

BitchBuzz Style: The Lynx Effect for Ladies
"You know Lynx? The amazing fragrance for men that makes us lose all control instantly and just want to rip the clothes off whatever hunk of man meat we catch a whiff of the stuff on? The one with the totally realistic adverts where hundreds of gorgeous women shed their garments and run towards a poor Lynx-drenched chap who doesn't stand a chance? Well, now all that passion could be ours too!"

BitchBuzz Life: Things Teen Mags Never Told You About Sex
"When you're a teenager, losing your virginity is often quite a big thing on your agenda. I remember wondering how I'd find a boyfriend, whether it was easy to kiss like they did in the movies and, later on, what on earth I was going to do when it came round to sex. There was always plenty of advice around, but it never seemed to be the right stuff."

Feminism Friday: Vintage vs Feminism

For a while I have been considering writing a piece that combines two of my favourite subjects: vintage fashion and feminism. Then, a couple of weeks ago, Retro Chick wrote a fantastic article about her feelings on how a "vintage" style and identity relates to feminism. That post was inspired by Lena from Style High Club asking if vintage girls were inherently feminist. I read, absorbed and commented, assuming that the time had now passed for me to cover the subject because... what else was there left to say? Well, encouraged by Gemma and Naomi on Twitter, I have now decided to add my perspective to the discussion.

Anyone who chooses a style of dress because it suits them, rather than because it is currently fashionable, could be considered to be adhering to feminist values. Instead of buying in to mainstream society's ideals of what is beautiful, these people are creating their a fashion identity based on their own personal desires. While some women believe that fake tan, short skirts and vertiginous platform stilettos are utterly essential in today's somewhat porn-influenced society, others opt to find a look that they actually feel comfortable and confident in. Whether that's 40s factory worker, 50s housewife, 60s dolly bird, 70s free spirit or 80s goth, being inspired by fashions of the past needn't come with an infusion of the politics of the day. These days, any one of those looks can be viewed as a big 'fuck you' to mainstream fashion and the corporations which support it. After all, wearing a demure 1950s prom dress could make you look like a doormat of a woman, but only if you behave like one too. Don't dismiss the modern chap either. He may wear tweed and smoke a pipe like the misogynist fellas of yesteryear, but is probably also quite likely to have far more respect for women than his football shirt wearing counterpart.

There are plenty of reasons to believe that adopting a vintage style might imply that someone holds feminist views. I believe that many, if not all, women who adopt a vintage look do so because they want to. Not just because they felt pressure to conform, because they want men to view them as attractive, or because Grazia magazine told them to wear it. In essence, someone who dresses like an individual probably thinks like one too. There are also many reasons why buying vintage might be considered to be a feminist act of rebellion. After all, buying vintage or vintage-style items often involves supporting small and ethical businesses. By its very nature vintage is ethical fashion - reusing and recycling existing garments and accessories rather than producing new ones is sustainable fashion at it's best. Vintage-style items are most often found away from the high street and are made in smaller quantities by people who love what they do. In addition, many of these business owners are women. Sticking it to The Man by supporting small businesses rather than giant tax-avoiding corporations is something that many feminists would be proud of you for.

That said, whether you choose your clothes from vintage boutiques, designer stores, or cheap high street chains, it's how you put everything together that speaks volumes about who you are. Vintage-wearing folk may be more likely to be feminist than girls who conform to a more mainstream stereotype and, for example, dress like The Saturdays, but they too may be simply following a fashion. I have met people who buy their clothing predominantly from Primark and H&M who have amazing personal style and will always stand up for what they believe. I have also encountered vintage-wearing ladies who genuinely think it would be rather lovely to live in the 1950s, when a woman's place was in the home. I think the key here is to assume nothing about people until you hear what they have to say. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes things get lost in translation.

Images via Joseph Brent and ILike's Flickr photostreams.

Competition Time: Winner #3

The time has come to announce the winner of my third and final "clearing out Lori's flat" blog competition. This time last week I showed you a pile of saucy goodies that needed to go to a good home, and quite a few of you were keen to get your hands on them. At the end of he day yesterday, I wrote all the names of those lovely commenters on little slips of paper, popped them into my purple hat, mixed them up a bit, and then picked a winner. As you can see from the 'smutty polaroid effect' photo, that person is... academic_really! Thanks very much to everyone who entered. You can rest assured that you have all done a little bit to help me tidy up before my house move!

Competition Time: Winner #2

This time last week I posted another competition on this blog, with a prize of a little pile of vintage goodies that I had lying around the house which needed a better home. This morning, I wrote all the names of the commenters on slips of paper, folded and placed them once more into my purple felt hat, shook it up a lot (there were quite a few of you!), and then selected a winner. As you can see from the photo, that person is... Clarabelle! After the inevitable battle with a long Post Office queue, the prize will be winging its way to her. Thanks very much to all of the lovely people who entered.