TV rots the brain

No more Heroes or Gallactica to download, and we've finished the Mighty Boosh series two DVD, so all that's left is Prison Break and Later with Jools Holland on the Tivo. Is there anything else on TV? Anything interesting at all? You see, I need a distraction.

I will not watch Big Brother.

Not this year.

Well... not again after tonight.

Oh Lordi... it's Eurovision time again

Will we have another unexpected winner? Will Wogan's commentary become more interesting as the evening goes on and he has more to drink? I'll be updating this post as the contest progresses to keep myself entertained, without resorting to the BBC's red button sing-a-long.

8pm - Oh, we're off to a great start. Bosnia & Herzegovina's entry appears to be sung by the lady who used to guard the loo roll at my grandma's house. Spain seem to have given a bargain basement *NSYNC one of Shakira's rejected songs. Ooh, and I've just worked out a great way to really piss off Robbie Williams - give the team behind the Belarus' entry the job of doing the next James Bond theme tune! OK, perhaps not. Whatever, we're three songs in and I have yet to use my score sheet because they're all so rubbish. Wait... no, Ireland's entry is rubbish too. Boy, do they not want to have to host this thing ever again.

8.25pm - Finland really like their rock music, don't they? This is rather good. Wogan, however, is wittering on about the staging and the back-projection being the best he's ever seen, so I don't think he rates it. Now we have a rather impressive pair of legs representing Macedonia. Wonder if Wogan likes this one? Hmm, no comment... he's obviously not tipsy enough yet. Or perhaps he's too distracted by Slovenia's operatic lady who appears to shop for her clothes in the Ljubljana equivalent of Camden. Hungary's entry, on the other hand, appears to be more about the music than the image (apart from the addition of a bizarre bus stop sign on the stage). It's really a rather nice song, so I hope she does well. Lithuania's entry is also inoffensive, but not really my kinda thing. Still, hooray for using a female singer who can also play the guitar, even if she's not exactly KT Tunstall.

8.47pm - Greece appears to have their own version of Girls Aloud for their entry, except they've gone with a male one to replace the ginger one. Georgia... well, where do we begin? Dancing men with swords, a singer who'd give Shirley Bassey a run for her money in the power stakes, and some rather interesting backing music. Defies classification this one. Next we have Sweden's answer to Status Quo, but with a glam twist. The least said about them, the better.

9pm - After an awful outside broadcast designed to cover the ad break for non-commercial broadcasters, like the BBC (so bad that Wogan said he'd rather have the adverts), we get the French entry. I do like their resident oddball. As mad as the shouty guy from the Automatic, but bald and camp. Fabulous! Unlike Latvia's entry. What is it with the opera this year? Phew, thank goodness for Russia and their cute girlie pop. Next up is Germany who are a hot tip to win. It's totally different, but I'm not sure that swing really works in German... OK, now he's switched to English and it sits a little better. If this does well, it'll be no bad thing. Wogan's not sure how well it'll go down with the Eastern European voters, but I do hope they prefer it to Serbia's entry. Yikes... she looks like Jimmy Krankie.

9.20pm - After seeing a Moomin and Santa Claus play chess (yeah, weird), we get the Ukraine entry and it really was worth the wait. Favourite to win, this glittery insane europop is a real breath of fresh air from all those countries who seem to be taking the whole thing far too seriously. A tricky act for Scooch to follow though. Good performance by them but, if Gina G couldn't win it for us, no one can. Wogan describes the Romanian entry as being sung in as many languages as possible in a desperate attempt to get as many votes as possible. Well, I doubt it's going to win votes for any other reason. Oh dear, either Ms Bulgaria's out of tune or I'm really missing something. Best use of drums all evening though.

9.33pm - Nearly there, thank heavens. Turkey has a load of British belly dancers and a thin Chris Moyles singing, according to Wogan. I think he's finally lost it. The Armenian guy is trying to remain serious in front of what appears to be a tree full of toilet paper. Perhaps it's relevant if you listen to the lyrics which, despite the fact he's singing in English, I just can't bring myself to do. Finally, last up is Moldova. Yawn. As the character Jordan once said in Scrubs: "You see, I say 'yawn' because when I actually yawn, you don't get it". Time for a drink, methinks.

9.55pm - There's still six minutes until the voting ends, so here's the scores from the lori-smith.co.uk jury. Georgia, one point (for effort). Lithuania, two points. Sweden, three points. United Kingdom, four points. Russia, five points. France, six points. Germany, seven points. Hungary, eight points. Finland, ten points. Ukraine, twelve points. And while we wait for the votes to be counted and verified by an independent adjudicator etcetera etcetera, we get a spot of head-banging cello rock and some unusual acrobats. I prefer my cello rock to come with a couple of vampires with souls, but you can't have everything, I suppose.

10.17pm - The votes are being announced, and Terry is back to his sarcastic best with all his voting theories. Thank goodness for that. I was beginning to think that he'd stopped caring about Eurovision altogether. Still no votes for the UK, but the guy announcing the Greek results has just said something in Finnish that seemed to go down rather well with the crowd in Helsinki. Unlike the granting of points to Russia which has been greeted with loud booing, strangely.

10.41pm - The UK is the only country still stuck on zero. Why do we bother? Jimmy Krankie is currently in the lead, with Ukraine second. I really hope they switch places before the end, however, that's looking less and less likely as the evening progresses. Jeez... fourteen countries still to vote?

10.49pm - Ah, Malta. How we love you. Thanks for your twelve points, you lovely people! What on earth do people see (hear?) in that Serbian entry though? It's a complete mystery to me.

11.03pm - It's finally all over and, for some unknown reason, Serbia has won. But, why? Seriously, if someone could let me know what I've missed, I'd be very grateful. Perhaps I'll have a clue when I hear the song again. OK, maybe not. In the wise words of Mr Terry Wogan, "it's been a wonderful evening. Not musically, of course".