Rarely Wears Lipstick

Feminism Friday: Talking shop

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Fri, 25 May 2012 16:21:00 +0000

Whether we like it or not, feminism is something that touches all of our lives in the Western world. Frequently misunderstood, it's a fascinating topic of discussion and a label for a starting point from which opinions can be formed. I discovered feminism when my disillusionment with women's magazines in my 20s sparked an internet search for more interesting reading material, thus leading me to fantastic feminist website The F-Word. I loved how they discussed many different subjects and how they affect our lives, but they never told us that you needed to look/act in a specific way to be a 'real' feminist. Sadly, some people still don't know that's the case and many discussions about feminism in the media these days are often about how someone or other is doin' it wrong.

I have discussed feminism so much in the last couple of weeks and, now I'm sat down to write about it, I sadly can't remember much of what was said at all! There was a wonderful impromptu panel at women's blogger conference Cybher where Cat Turner, Ryan Wenstrup-Moore and I were just getting started on the slightly less superficial subjects as our time ran out. The audience raised some great points and I couldn't help but think we needed two hours in a cozy room with sofas and tea in order to really get going! The following weekend I was part of another panel discussion on feminism, this time at burlesque convention BurlyCamp. (Rubyyy Jones recorded the whole thing so I shall share a link to any excerpts she uses in her radio show.) Again, we ran out of time surprisingly quickly, but one thing that stuck with me was a point from the audience. Lady Cheek made a good point that feminism is all about choices... which reminded me of what Zoe Williams wrote in the Guardian on International Women's Day:

"You cannot say that, because women suffer injustices far more severe in other parts of the world, a woman who's had to give up work in Harlesden because her tax credits were cut is not a feminist issue. You cannot hope that a belief in equality will lead everybody to the same conclusions about body shapes, or all-women shortlists, or gender essentialism. When we try to present a united front, we're not asking too much of ourselves, we're asking too little: waiting for an unattainable unity is just another way of doing nothing. When we divide, we can burn more brightly in many places."

We don't all need to look the same way, care about the same issues, or be a feminist in the same way. If we all focus on our strengths and concentrate on spreading the word wherever we can, then the world will surely be a better place? These two panel discussions drew an interested and vocal audience of people keen to join in, which was encouraging. However, this week the subject of feminism popped up again and this time the context wasn't nearly so friendly. On Wednesday, Clementine Ford tweeted that: "Sexism against males transpires in the ways they are 'expected' to be men. It doesn't transpire because women fight for liberation." A very valid point, but I'd completely missed the start of the thread so the ever helpful Sianuska alerted me to a fantastic article (by the authors of The Vagenda) called The men's rights zeitgeist. Apparently some men think that all the problems they face are entirely due to feminism. Because, of course, women rule the world now and are really keen to make life awful for everyone.

Sianuska correctly pointed out that there are indeed gender issues faced by men, but they are products of constructions of masculinity. They are not a result of women fighting for liberation from gender constructs and patriarchy! Feminism affects us all, but it isn't necessarily to blame for any of the bad stuff. Rather than sitting around pointing the finger, surely we'd be better off asking what we need to do in order to fix things?

An evening with Hadley Freeman

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 24 May 2012 19:00:00 +0000

Last night I had the pleasure of spending an hour in the company of someone really rather awesome. A woman who writes in a down-to-earth manner about fashion, who has a column in The Guardian, and who isn't afraid of a bit of sarcasm. Yes, Hadley Freeman was speaking at the London College of Fashion. I took my seat in a room full of eager fashion journalism students - most of whom seemed to be about half my age! - and found myself wondering what Hadley was like in real life. Her personality seems to shine through in everything she writes, but... what if it was all just an act?

I needn't have worried. As soon as she started telling us how she went from studying English to writing about fashion for a UK newspaper, I could tell that what we read in The Guardian each week is genuine. Not only is she a confident and knowledgeable speaker, but she is also warm and approachable. I may have relaxed, but I'm not sure the students did. Once the questions started flying, it became obvious that what they really wanted to Ask Hadley was if there would be a job for them at the end of their studies!

When asked on her views about the future of print journalism, Hadley shared her bright idea for how The Guardian could make money from its website. Apparently charging for comments was not a suggestion that her editors thought would work especially well! She talked for a while about confessional journalism and how it can "reduce women to a ridiculous cliché", and then told the students that they should not allow what they write to be limited by their gender (or race) because of narrow minded attitudes. She pointed out that fellow Guardian columnist Marina Hyde writes about many diverse topics, including sport and celebrity.

Once the students started asking questions, we got a few asking advice for budding journalists. The main thing Hadley wishes she'd known when starting out was that you can say no to commissions. For example, if you get asked to try something out and be photographed doing it, you don't have to accept. Fond memories of her early days on The Guardian fashion desk there! However, her best piece of advice was "don't try to copy other people's style. Just be yourself." This isn't the same as adapting to the writing style of a particular publication, it's more of a "don't try to be Caitlin Moran when you're not" warning.

We discovered that there is a great freedom in writing for the British press, compared to American publications are much more strict on what you can and can't say. In addition, The Guardian's film critic, Peter Bradshaw, apparently writes to the Ask Hadley column regularly. A Twitter follower of mine thought that Hadley should suggest to him that what's really stylish right now is not putting spoilers in your film reviews!

It was a fascinating evening, and one which proved to be of great use to the LCF Fashion Journalism students. I think they left with much more hope for the future, and a renewed enthusiasm for the challenges that await once they finish their education. Mind you, one student described fashion journalism before blogging as "the olden days", so I'm not sure their knowledge of history is quite so good. Or am I just getting really old now?

Image via NS Newsflash's Flickr photostream.

Review: Masquerade by Panache

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:30:00 +0000

I was already aware of Panache lingerie after discovering their fantastic bras during a fitting at Bravissimo. What I didn't know until I was offered a choice of something to review, was that they have several other brands, under the Panache umbrella. I studied the email with the usual amount of enthusiasm that I reserve for lingerie and swimwear (i.e. lots!) and, much as I loved the bright colours of the Cleo set on offer, I was drawn to a silky plunge bra from Masquerade, available in D to G cup. I figured I had a gap in my wardrobe for sophisticated luxurious lingerie that is comfortable enough to wear every day - who doesn't! So, I selected the Amira style, with its gorgeous satin plunge bra and lovely smooth looking briefs, and waited for it to be delivered.

Choosing a size when you haven't had a chance to try a bra on can often be tricky. I already have a Panache plunge bra, so I figured that a similar style by a brand owned by the same company would probably require the same size. When the set arrived, I was not disappointed. The bra fitted perfectly, with only a small adjustment to the shoulder straps required. The silky fabric of the Amira style may be luxurious, but it is definitely something you could wear every day. The briefs don't have exposed elastic which can sometimes chafe around the bikini area and dig in on the bum, so I knew they would be super comfy all day, but the bra... well, this needed to be tested.

I wore the set all day yesterday and can safely say that this lingerie is very comfortable indeed. The applique details on the bra did rub a little under my arms, but only when I was lounging on the sofa in the evening at a funny angle so that's probably entirely my own fault! The underwiring on the bra sat comfortably and the band around the back sits perfectly without rubbing or digging in. A good fit combined with all day comfort, a beautiful design and the sort of silkiness that you just want to put your hands on? I think I'll be wearing this set a lot... and adding their Harem style to my wishlist!

The Winner of the Happy Rabbit is...

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:08:00 +0000

Thanks very much to everyone who entered the Rarely Wears Lipstick Happy Rabbit competition. There were some wonderfully creative entries and so I enlisted the help of BurlyCamp co-creator Purr von Kitty and no nonsense northerner Mr Topper to judge all the entries for me. Kitty came up with a short list of four and Topper instantly selected a favourite from that line up. And the winner is... thekinkyminx with this cheeky tale:

"Desperate does not even begin to sum up how eager I am for one of these new rabbits!! I seem to have bent my last one, it has a rather fetching 'lean' to one side from over active use, whoops. My favourite story about vibrators however comes care of my best friends rather wonderful Jack Russell who loves, yes LOVES a squeaky toy and can seek one out where ever they may be hidden, under sofas, behind tables and yes, even from my bedroom once - from which the little scamp came running very pleased with her new squeakless toy in her mouth - complete with 'ears' and rotating balls - you can imagine me chasing her round the kitchen trying to get it out of her mouth!!!"

Get in touch to claim your prize, lucky lady. I shall leave it up to Alice at Lovehoney whether to send you a pink or purple Happy Rabbit. Thanks once again to everyone who entered.

Image via Sitron_NO's Flickr photostream.

UPDATE: The winner didn't leave her email address and I can't find one on her blog, so please let her know she's won if you know how to get in touch with her. If I haven't heard back by next Monday, I shall offer the prize to our runner up choice of story.

Mini hiatus due to... BurlyCamp!

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Tue, 15 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

Much as I'd love to keep writing this week, I realised that I just don't have time. BurlyCamp is fast approaching and I have so much to do before the weekend. As well as being on the organising team, I'm sitting on the panel for a discussion on Burlesque & Feminism, performing in the show, and running a session on creative costumes. If you haven't got your tickets yet, pop on over to the website and snap up a weekend pass quickly. That way you won't miss out on the likes of Rubyyy Jones, Mr Mistress, Tigz Rice and ReeRee Rockette hosting sessions on everything from beginners burlesque to building your own personal brand. We have hula hooping, fire, ballet, period costumes, pastie making, plus a session on posing with photographers around all weekend so you can try out what you've learned. It's going to be busy!

I shall be back next week with the next instalment of my A-to-Z of Sex Toys, a Feminism Friday post inspired by Cybher, and probably something about the weekend's burlesque shenanigans. Now... where'd I put that corset?

Photo of Kitty and Lolly by the lovely Bobette.

Cybher: Geek is the new chic

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Mon, 14 May 2012 13:30:00 +0000

In October last year, the lovely Siân To asked me to speak at a conference she was organising. The first inclusive event for female bloggers in the UK, Cybher was going to be full of interesting speakers covering all sorts of topics relevant to women and so I was delighted to be asked to take part. As I said earlier this year, I didn't really think of myself as a sex blogger back then but, inspired by being asked to speak about sex blogging at Cybher, I decided to introduce more sex content to Rarely Wears Lipstick. Siân probably didn't know quite what she was starting with that email!

So, fast forward to Saturday 12th May and I was arriving at the impressive 8 Northumberland Avenue in central London to find myself greeted by crowds of women buzzing with excitement about the conference. Babies were welcome and so the fast-moving queue for registration contained a fair few mums as well as groups of friends busily planning what sessions they were going to attend. I was scheduled to speak with erotica author and organiser of Eroticon2012 Ruby Kiddell about sex blogging in the breakout first session, so I was a little nervous as well as excited. As I'd arrived on my own, I spend the queue time checking the Twitter hashtag and discovered that the delegate goodie bags were beautiful leather satchels!

The Leather Satchel Company proved themselves to be rather spectacular sponsors, providing each of us with an iPad sized leather bag embossed with the Cybher logo. I hadn't really considered a satchel as a suitable handbag before now, but my lovely blue and black bag will certainly get lots of use. Once I'd picked up my conference badge and bag, I headed downstairs to locate coffee, breakfast and friends. Dotted around this room were stands from all the other event sponsors, including lingerie brand Freya and the extremely generous folk at Palmer's who produce far more products than just the cocoa butter body lotion I love so much. Fellow BitchBuzz contributor Alexandra Goldstein made a bee line for me as I arrived and it was wonderful to see a friendly face in such a packed room - Cybher turned out to be so much bigger than I thought! After coffee, a chat and a quick bite to eat, it was time to head upstairs to the ballroom where I took a seat with the fabulous High Tea Cast ladies ready for the first session to begin.

After Siân welcomed us all, we had a panel session on the future of blogging where someone asked the audience how many of us had sponsored posts on our blogs. I was amazed when half of the room put their hands up, because I'd never met a blogger whose primary motivation wasn't that they had something to say and/or loved writing. Although I get the occasional freebie to give away or review on this site, I have never been paid to write a post or take advertising (the banners in my sidebar are affiliate links for brands I love, so I only get money if you buy something!). Still, it was nice that Cybher appealed to a wide variety of bloggers. Even though there wasn't much for me in the panel session, the next talk was by Zoe Margolis on her experiences of anonymous blogging and being outed by the press and it was very fascinating indeed. A hush descended on the room as everyone listened with interest.

After a quick coffee break, I headed to the annex for my session on 'The Ins and Outs of Erotic Blogging'. Ruby and I got a lovely audience of interested people who engaged with our talk and asked lots of questions so, before long, our time had run out. I realised then that I could have talked about sex blogging all day! Next I headed to the Victoria room for The High Tea Cast's talk on podcasting. I'd not really considered trying this before but, with Sam and Lea's guidance, it actually looks pretty straightforward. They told us the benefits of podcasting, how we can go about it, and even recorded and edited a quick interview on the spot to show us how it's done. This was my favourite session of the day - really engaging and informative. They even gave us all handouts with step-by-step instructions!

After lunch, I headed to a session on 'Blogging for Good' with Christine Mosler, Jennifer Begg and Liz Scarff and Siân To. Jennifer told us about how she raised money to build a school in memory of her mum, and explained that every person who bought cake at a fund raising event had done something wonderful. It really brought it home to me that the small things really do matter in efforts to change the world. We don't all have to be actively campaigning, but it helps to do something and encourage others to do the same. These amazing women told us about how reading the book Half the Sky had inspired them to change the world. After watching the trailer for the documentary, and video about The Girl Effect, the audience was keen to get involved too. I wonder how many projects will be started as a result of that session? Cathy Presland's session on 'How To Always Get What You Want' was similarly inspirational, with one audience member finally sharing her secret desire to set up a social enterprise! I really hope this dream now becomes a reality.

In the final session, before the closing keynotes, I sat on a panel with Cat Turner and Ryan Wenstrup-Moore to discuss feminism. This was a last minute schedule change due to another speaker's illness and so we'd only had a day or so to think about what to discuss. As you might expect, we could have done with much more time (both beforehand and on the day) as there were some fascinating points raised by members of the audience right at the end of our timeslot. I shall blog more on this subject one Friday to try and pick up where we left off. My day at Cybher certainly gave me a lot to think about and I'm sure it will be inspiring blog posts for a long time to come. I'm looking forward to reading everyone else's experiences of the day, and hearing about the fantastic sessions I missed. Such a shame it wasn't possible to go to everything!

The A-to-Z of Sex Toys: Essentials

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 10 May 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Time for tea?

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Wed, 09 May 2012 11:51:00 +0000

And now for something completely different! Inspired by the ladies over at The High Tea Cast, I have decided to take a little tea break today on Rarely Wears Lipstick. The British are well known for their obsession with tea but, since the arrival of a multitude of coffee chains on our high streets, we are fast becoming a nation of coffee lovers. However, there are still some of us who would prefer a good cup of tea and, when I say that, I do mean good. Not the classic builder's brew with a bag of Tetley or PG Tips left in the mug for far too long before adding a splash of milk to produce an orangey colour. Not the classic milk-and-two-sugars of grandma's house. Not any one of the 62 cups of tea I made in April 1984 as part of Brownie Guide Tea-Making Fortnight*. No, I mean beautiful leaves in various colours (black, green, white or red) with subtle flavours that refresh. Ideally made in a pot, but only so that you can go back for more. Something you can savour.

In recent years I have discovered the joy of good Darjeeling, Earl Grey, green tea, white tea and Rooibos. There's a whole world of tea out there that most people are unaware of due to the minimal selection of the stuff in most supermarkets. A favourite of mine is black teas with added flavour, which are much better than nasty herbal infusions which contain no actual tea - these taste as good as they smell! You can get quite a few types in Sweden (and at Ikea), and I am still baffled as to why you can't buy Lipton Peach Mango in UK shops. It is possible to get good tea in, but how do you know what you like unless you've tried it? That's where specialist tea shops come in. A friend took me to the Camden Parkway Yumchaa a few years ago and I never looked back. They sell a variety of different loose leaf teas online as well as in their shops, but I'd recommend visiting them in person to smell the leaves before you choose. It's really quite special, and you can try a flavour before you buy a packet.

I'm not a purist who demands that tea must be loose leaf and brewed in a warmed pot, but I do enjoy the rituals that come with unbagged tea. I love old tea pots and worn mismatched crockery. I have yet to find an afternoon tea I enjoyed more than those offered by Liberty, but Drink Shop & Do definitely won me over with their vast collection of cups and saucers that could have come straight out of my gran's kitchen cupboard. I think that's where tea wins for me - it gives me a break from all the racing around. Good coffee is enjoyable too, but I mainly use it to give me a boost to continue with my day, rather something to be savoured in its own right. For some reason, tea gives me a break with some time to think which is very often just what I need these days.

*Yes, I'm that old and, yes, that's what Brownies did back then.

Who needs relationship rules and boundaries?

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Sun, 06 May 2012 23:53:00 +0000

When I was monogamous, I rarely thought about rules within relationships. Other than the standard 'no cheating' which is pretty much a given for monogamous relationships - although definitions of cheating may vary - I was happy to go with the flow. Boundaries shifted as each relationship progressed, and much of this was unspoken. However, moving to a non-monogamous set up meant that all this had to change. Everything I'd learnt up to that point about how relationships worked was now pretty much open to discussion. It was like starting again. We had a blank slate with which to build our new idea of what a relationship should be and, along with that, came a set of initial rules.

'Physical intimacy only' is sometimes the first rule when opening up. For example; partners can agree to only play together, avoid penetration, only play with women, or only at parties. Everyone decides what they're comfortable with and that list forms the basis of initial rules. And, yes... one of these rules is often a veto. Having a veto is a way of saying to a someone you love that you are uncomfortable with anything which makes them unhappy, so much so that you would stop what you were doing if they requested it. This is all well and good when everything you are doing outside of your initial relationship is physical, but it takes on a whole new meaning when things get emotional.

Venture into polyamory and rules like this are not always so useful. At the start, it's pretty easy to say what you're OK with, but all bets are off once love enters the picture. Love is a wonderful emotion, but an unpredictable one which really doesn't like to play by the rules. These days, I just can't see a situation where a veto would be used. Just as you cannot tell a dear friend who is madly in love that you think the person they're dating is no good for them, you really can't do that to a partner. You want them to be happy and so, if this other person makes them happy, you end up doing everything else you can think of to avoid using a veto. There is always a way around it, and so the veto ends up simply being a safety net for those who are starting out.

Relationship rules are a bit like the assembly instructions for flat packed furniture. Once you've built the thing and you know it's sturdy, you don't keep those instructions any more, do you? You don't need them, because they were only useful when you were starting from scratch. The thing with default monogamous relationships is that many people assume that they only need these instructions once ever, instead of once at the start of every relationship. Each time you find someone new, you have to build things up to that point where you can throw away the rule book and trust that everything's sturdy. Re-negotiating boundaries as and when needed is far more satisfactory than drawing up a strict set of rules. It just takes a while to get there.

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month six bloggers - ALBJ, An Open Book, More Than Nuclear, One Sub's Mission, Post Modern Sleaze, and Rarely Wears Lipstick - will write about their views on one of them.

Competition Time: Happy Rabbit

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Fri, 04 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

The first proper sex toy I ever owned was a rabbit vibrator. It came free with my subscription to Scarlet magazine and I was extremely excited to own one of these famous items. After all, this was supposed to be the best kind of sex toy in the world. Sadly, when it arrived, this little bunny did nothing for me whatsoever. In addition to not hitting the spot, it was noisy, ugly and went through batteries rather quickly considering its overall lack of use. Despite my lack of fondness for my ugly little rabbit, many women find that it's the toy most likely to get them off, so I always wondered why no one thought to redesign it.

If the rabbit is your pet of choice, you'll be very pleased to know that it has now been reinvented. Based on feedback from thousands of customer reviews of earlier models, the lovely folk at Lovehoney are now launching the new Happy Rabbit which is stronger, quieter and better than ever! Lovehoney surveyed sex toy buyers to come up with a new style of rabbit vibrator that ticks every box on their customers' wishlists. It’s powerful, quiet, made from smooth, supple silicone and it’s rechargeable. Gone are the swirly beads of old-fashioned rabbits - and not a moment too soon! - as the Happy Rabbit’s unique design incorporates three powerful motors. One motor vibrates in the rabbit ears, while two in the shaft promise to deliver waves of pleasure. On top of all that, they've paid attention to the design so it looks pretty good too, and it's under fifty quid.

If all that sounds like your kind of thing, then you'll be delighted to know that Lovehoney are giving away one of their new toys to one lucky Rarely Wears Lipstick reader. To be in with a chance of winning the Happy Rabbit of your choice, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling me which type you'd like and why. You can be witty or serious, truthful or creative, filthy or clean... just come up with something that explains just why you need this quiet little bunny in your life. Unfortunately, due to the type of plug on the charger, this competition is open to UK residents only. You have a couple of weeks to enter (until 10pm on Sunday 20th May), so you have some time to make those stories good. Don't forget to make sure you leave an email address so that I can get in touch to tell you if you've won. Good luck!

Feminism Friday: The beauty of age

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

On Monday I attended a panel discussion at the London College of Fashion on the Beauty of Age. The session was chaired by Professor Frances Corner, Head of London College of Fashion, and the panellists offered a variety of perspectives on the subject of women and ageing. Lesley Reynolds Kahn, co-founder of Harley Street Skin Clinic and the author of Look Younger for Longer, was an interesting contrast with Harriet Walter, actress and author of Facing It: Reflections on Images of Older Women. Robin Wight, President of creative communications agency Engine and co-founder of ad agency WCRS, insisted that it was biology rather than media influences which were to blame for society's desire for youth, but Natasha Walter, broadcaster and author of Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism, wasn't so sure. It was an interesting discussion, inspired by the Beauty of Age project at LCF's Centre for Sustainable Fashion.

"It is well documented that British society, like all Western societies, is an ageing one. By 2034, 23% of the UK population will be aged 65 and over (Office for National Statistics). This large, but quite invisible demographic tends to be in the public focus mostly in relation to their health issues. To change that perspective, we have started a series of projects based on valuing the wisdom and the Beauty of Age."

Why is beauty synonymous with youth? Why are are western societies obsessed with halting the ageing process and looking younger than our years? When did getting older become such a bad thing? It is wonderful to see this subject become a hot discussion topic and also the focus of research. Perhaps magazines and other mainstream media might latch on to this idea soon and help us all to appreciate the beauty of age once more. When hair turns grey and skin begins to wrinkle, this shows we have lived and have more to offer the world, not less. There is great beauty in an older face and body as well as an older mind. It is about time we realised this.

Image from pedrosimoes7's Flickr photostream.

Can celebrities design lingerie?

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Wed, 02 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

This week I discovered that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is using her, er, expertise as a lingerie model to design a range of underwear for Marks & Spencer. Can celebrities with no fashion design experience actually put together a decent collection of lingerie? You wouldn't think it was that easy, but anyone who pays enough attention to how comfortable attractive underwear is constructed - and who listens to experts giving them advice on what is and isn't possible - could come up with a pretty decent collection. With a willingness to learn, rather than simply putting a famous name to something designed by others, it is possible for a celebrity to build a well respected brand. I think Kelly Brook, Caprice and Elle Macpherson has already proved that it is indeed possible. I'm looking forward to seeing what Huntington-Whiteley and M&S come up with.

Image via Marks & Spencer.

The A-to-Z of Sex Toys: Dildos

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Tue, 01 May 2012 23:00:00 +0000

Burlesque, stripping and feminism

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

A couple of years ago, I wrote a piece for BitchBuzz pondering whether burlesque was just about glittertits and sex. At the time, I was trying to decide whether or not to continue with it as a hobby, partly because of what other people perceived burlesque to be. I was surprised to discover that some people thought it was just "posh stripping" when I viewed it as something rather different. To me, it's a cabaret performance style which can incorporate any number or skills/talents. A burlesque performance can be comical, radical, theatrical or downright sexy. It can tell a story without words, parody famous people and events, or confuse and therefore encourage the audience to determine its meaning themselves. It can be challenging, subversive, satirical, glamorous or just plain silly. It can involve many types of singing, dancing or circus skills, and it usually involves a element of stripping and/or nudity. This is not what customers at your average gentleman's club pay to see. They want to be turned on, but a burlesque audience just wants to be entertained. This is also type of performance where the audience often includes more women than men.

There are many more differences between burlesque and stripping. The most obvious one being that strippers pay the club in order to perform and then make their money directly from their audience, whereas burlesque performers are paid by the promoter and their audience buys a ticket to come and see the show. Burlesque is also performed by people of many different genders, ages and body types, whereas classic stripping is usually reserved for young toned people with a very specific look. It may not be art but burlesque is creative, and it allows the performers themselves to express themselves via their choice of music, costume and moves. Burlesque performers often produce their own shows and this helps to bring a community feel to the scene. When organising a show, for charity or for profit, performers look to those they have worked with before and loved. It is a often a more friendly than competitive environment, with fellow performers offering encouragement and cheering each other on.

All this means that burlesque appears to fit into the entertainment industry better than the sex industry, although there will always be shows/performers that buck the trend. But then, there's that big ugly question that's been bugging me for ages: Is burlesque feminist? As a performance genre I don't think it inherently is, but there are aspects of it which align extremely well with many of my own feminist beliefs. It gives control to the performer, rather than the audience, and is far more inclusive than many other types of performance. It promotes confidence and allows the performer to convey whatever message they desire to their audience. So, after years of consideration, I have decided that it is definitely possible to be a tassel twirling feminist. What do you think? Why not come and join the debate at BurlyCamp on 19th-20th May. I'd love to hear your views.

Images by Echo Moss, Geoff Matthews and Laura Jung.

My Posts on BitchBuzz: April 2012

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

I have to admit that I didn't write many sex and relationships articles for BitchBuzz this month. I had a short unplanned hiatus, but now I'm back with a vengeance! Hopefully the Cybher conference on 12th May will help inspire me for future articles. In the meantime, here's what I covered this month...

BitchBuzz Sex: How to Have Better Sex, But Not the Cosmo Way!
"If the covers of women's magazines were to be believed, you'd think we were all on a quest to have better sex. Even if that's true, the thing is... we don't all want to do it their way. Trying a new position, completing a quiz or sifting through lists of tips to find the ones which work for us doesn't always seem like the right thing to do."

BitchBuzz Culture: Fifty Shades of Submission
"Are you sick of hearing about Fifty Shades of Grey yet? The erotic novel by E L James seems to be everywhere at the moment. Even if, like me, you haven't read the story of how an emotionally damaged man enters into a relationship with a naive young woman, you won't have been able to escape. It would seem that, not only can women not get enough of this book, but the media can't stop talking about it either."

Feminism Friday: Bechdel Test

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

You may have heard of the Bechdel Test for movies. It was mentioned in the comments of my recent post on women in television series and so I thought it might be worth covering in a separate post. The thing is, this won't be a long post because the test is extremely simple and consists of only three parts. To pass, a film must:

Have at least two [named] women in it
Who talk to each other
About something besides a man

It might seem like unnecessary feminist whining to apply silly tests like this to a mainstream entertainment medium such as cinema but, as TV Tropes points out, "the Bechdel Test is not meant to give a scorecard of a work's overall level of feminism". A movie can have no feminist themes whatsoever and still pass with flying colours. However, the reason the test is inherently feminist is because a fundemental part of feminism is not treating people differently because of their gender. When roughly 50% of the world's population is female, why is it that the film industry is still dominated by men? Where are all the female directors and producers, the amazing leading roles for female actors, the supporting casts of women? If we encounter such a mix of genders in our everyday lives, what does it say about movies when they still don't represent that? Sometimes it's all too easy to forget which century we're living in.

The A-to-Z of Sex Toys: Clitoral

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 07:00:00 +0000

I'm just as amazing as you

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 11:34:00 +0000

I saw this image on Facebook and Twitter this morning, and the subsequent discussions have been interesting. I assume the image was designed to help women feel better about themselves, but the people who created it have not gone about this in a particularly useful way. First of all, I'm pretty sure many people would not call this woman fat. She appears to be somewhere around the average size for women in the UK - perhaps a little under - and is only 'fat' by fashion model standards. In addition, whether or not someone is fat is entirely subjective and it's also a very loaded word. Some people see fat as an insult and others embrace it warmly, either as a personal preference or as an attempt to reclaim it from the haters. Labelling this woman as fat is unhelpful as it simply alienates anyone who doesn't view a bit of tummy squish as obesity.

Secondly, the caption says that she is "just as beautiful as any other amazing woman" implying that she should still be considered beautiful even though she is supposedly fat. Wow, so fat people can be beautiful too? Thanks so much for pointing this out to me! I hadn't realised that you could only be beautiful if you are young, slim, tall, white, female, able-bodied etc! OK so, sarcasm aside, perhaps some people really don't realise that, but a better way of promoting this idea is probably not to use the word just. Being beautiful isn't the same as being amazing, either. And beauty isn't all about our bodies. I have known traditionally physically attractive people who are utter twunts, and others who are on the fringes of physical beauty whose personality shines brighter than anything portrayed in a magazine.

Finally, the image is headless - perhaps because the photograph wasn't originally shot for this purpose - which makes the caption's use of I'm somewhat redundant, as the woman has been reduced to an anonymous body. How can you speak out for fat women when you have no head... and aren't really what most of us would consider to be fat anyway? Facebook is filled with these images, telling us that one body type is better than or just as good as another, but it's all lies. Thin isn't better than fat, just different to it. Women don't have to be curvy to be gorgeous. Instead of concentrating on this, why don't we point out that: beauty is a combination of many things, the only person we need to please with our appearance is ourselves, and everyone has the potential to be amazing.

I'm considering creating an image like this myself and would be interested to hear what, if anything, you think the caption should be. I have a photoshoot planned for tonight, so watch this space!

Image via @Manda_Jones. Original image from Glamour magazine, May 2006. Source of cropping and the addition of the quote (from Crystal Renn's book Hungry) are currently unknown.

Doin' it like a dude

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:08:00 +0000

I read this week that, according to an unauthorised biography, Jessie J "was advised not to come out... [but] being bi was trendy, exotic and a fashion statement". Aside from the hateful idea that a supposedly lesbian singer should hide her identity because it might alienate her audience, I am shocked that someone could actually think that bisexuality is merely a fashionable trend. I've heard of musicians keeping quiet about their sexuality, and about relationships so that deluded teenagers don't end up heartbroken, but to be told to blatantly lie... if that's true then it's a disgrace.

I remember walking around The Doctor Who Experience with my two youngest nieces and hearing them talk all about how Captain Jack Harkness might fancy everyone, but the actor who plays him only likes boys. Because he's gay. They didn't like John Barroman any less because of this fact. It was just a fact. And I'm sure the younger of the two wouldn't have been any less likely to sing and dance to Do It Like A Dude on the tube (much to the embarrassment of her mum!) if she knew that Jessie J only liked girls. It would simply be yet another piece of information about this pop star who she likes.

You might think that it's a shame that Jessie J's sexuality even matters. Some people say she should come out in order to be a role model to young lesbians, but why should she have to? Getting hung up on labels is no way to run your life. Surely she can be a role model to kids by saying that who she chooses to have a relationship with is unimportant to her music? The problem is that so many teenagers do have an issue with revealing their sexuality due to the opinions of others, and having someone in the public eye who you can relate to does mean an awful lot. You may not agree with everything they do, but the very fact they are well known just... helps. Your family may have preconceptions of LGBT folk, but famous people who are out and proud can help them realise that what they previously thought was incorrect. So-called friends might be quick to tease, but being like an international pop star is better than being like them, right?

Although a person's sexuality shouldn't matter, unfortunately it still does to some people. Everything we can do to try and start discussions about it is a good idea, because those people are then forced to deal with their prejudices. We might not like labels, but they're a good reference point for those who are yet to understand. It's a shame that what Jessie J said at G-A-Y last year was not more widely reported: “I’m not bisexual. I’m not gay. I’m not straight. If I love a girl, I love a girl. If I love a guy, I love a guy. I’m not going to label myself. I’m not going to put myself in a little box for people that don’t know who they are.”

Image via Jessie J's website.

Boux Avenue at Westfield

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 11:30:00 +0000

Now that we've waved goodbye to La Senza, there are fewer high street stores devoted to lingerie. It's a shame, as I do love a bit of variety, so I was pleased to discover that boutique lingerie brand Boux Avenue are opening their 11th UK store in west London's Westfield shopping centre. Boux Avenue claims to be "an exciting shopping experience both in-store and online for lingerie lovers" so I couldn't resist and invitation to go along to the press launch this morning and find out if their claims of great service and unrivalled fit in a massive range of sizes (30A to 40H!) are correct.

The shop itself really does have a boutique feel. Rather than the claustrophobic feeling that some La Senza stores had - see also the lingerie departments at Debenhams and Marks & Spencer - Boux Avenue felt bright and airy. Rather than having to rummage through all the sizes on the rails, some of which are often too high for me to reach, the different band sizes are all arranged in labelled drawers below the items on display. This makes it incredibly easy to find what you want without help, but it wasn't long before assistance was being offered by friendly staff members. Now it was time to really test their service... with a fitting!

Once I was inside one of their pretty fitting rooms, with various interesting lighting options, I was measured for band size only. This confirmed that I was at the top end of a 34, and then we had a discussion about cup size. The bra I had on was a D but it was suggested that a DD might be a better fit, so both sizes were brought to me in a pretty lace plunge style. The assistant left the room while I put each bra on, but stayed outside so that she could return to adjust the straps and check the fit. Once we confirmed that I was definitely a 34DD, more styles were fetched. I am somewhat in love with their electric blue Loretta now, but was slightly disappointed that the sheer balconette Poppy style didn't really suit me. However, if you take a large size of bra, it is worth noting that their full support styles like this one are sturdy as well as pretty. It's not just those styles which are available in the larger sizes either.

Boux Avenue says it's about "making beautiful and exquisite lingerie accessible to every woman. From everyday bras, to seductive chemises and playful teddies to frilly knickers, it is the perfect destination to give your lingerie drawer a new lease of life." Not only is that something I fully support but, on this evidence, I think they might just do it. Pretty basics alongside bras with fancy details and great support, gorgeous nightwear and all sorts of accessories makes the Boux Avenue website worth visiting. However, the service and store layout make a visit to one of their boutiques well worth the trip. Whatever you buy will be wrapped up in lace print tissue and I reckon you'll probably leave with a smile on your face.

The A-to-Z of Sex Toys: Behind

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:00:00 +0000

With the help of the lovely ladies at Lovehoney, I have begun to discover that there is a sex toy for every bit of fun you can think of, and a whole load more that you can't. Each week I shall look at a different category of sex toys but, like my last A-to-Z, they won't always be quite what you think. As you might imagine, all links are NSFW!

If you're wondering why I didn't begin my A-to-Z with this one, perhaps I should take a moment to remind you why you shouldn't start with anal. It's common sense really. Just the same way I wanted to slowly ease my readers into the world of sex toys, you should work up to anal sex rather than diving right in. First things first, you'll probably want to clean up down there before getting started. A douche is a handy way of freshening up for the partner on the receiving end, and it'll also provide a bit of extra confidence if you're not keen on mess.

The next consideration is lubricant. Be cautious about using lube with a relaxant in it, as you should be doing the relaxing yourself. If you numb the area, you're less likely to notice if something really does hurt which could end up causing damage. Instead, focus on foreplay and use fingers to gently build up to the main event. Go for a lube like Maximus which is designed to stay slippery for longer so that you don't need to stop to reapply as often.

A good way to get started with anal play is to try a butt plug. They come in all shapes and sizes, with plenty of small ones for beginners. If you want to work your way up to something bigger, you can even get a pack of three different sizes. Once you're used to wearing something inside, you might even want to treat yourself to something quite special like the Julian Snelling Rosebud, made of stainless steel with a large jewel at the end.

Once you're prepared, it's time to explore larger options and toys that deliver more sensation. Anal dildos come in many shapes and sizes - smooth, angled, and even beautifully graduated like the Lovehoney Bubblelicious Orgasmic Glass Anal Dildo. If you like that sensation and want to try something a bit more advanced, the Rascal Glass and Silicone Beads have got some rather good reviews. Sounds quite... challenging!

Safety wise, remember to keep anal toys for anal play only and use condoms on them where possible to make cleaning easier. Don't skimp on cleaning - Lovehoney's SQWERTY sex toy cleaner is cheap and easy to use, so you have no excuse. Don't use anything that doesn't have a flared base, or you will end up being the subject of one of those A&E stories! And make sure you never ever run out of lube.

Image via the Lovehoney blog.

Fashion... with added confidence

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Many women mistakenly believe that fashion makes you feel bad. They look at how the fashion industry promotes its wares and how society encourages us to conform to a young slender ideal, and they come to the conclusion that fashion is another way of controlling women by making them feel bad about themselves. This isn't true of fashion though, just some of the businesses which bring the clothes to us and the way in which the media chooses to focus on our insecurities. When you concentrate on clothing as an expression of your identity, rather than a set of rigid rules to conform to, fashion is one of the most creative things that many adults indulge in.

Fashion helps us fit in to our tribe, and it also enables us to stand out from the crowd. Well fitting clothes make us feel good, items we love to wear give us a psychological boost, and striking garments can draw smiles and compliments from strangers. The only thing we need to do is choose garments which fit and flatter, before building the confidence needed to brush off surprised comments from loved ones. If someone thoughtlessly asks if you're going out dressed like that, just reply with "yes, I love it and just can't save it for 'best' any more!" Not everyone wears what they'd like to wear, because many people are scared to stand out and so would rather blend in. That doesn't mean you should do the same. If you love it and it makes you feel good, it's worth it. If an outfit makes you smile - smile! If someone else has nothing better to do than make a cruel comment on your appearance, then they are very sad indeed. Day-to-day life can get pretty boring at times, so who are they to say you can't liven it up with a pair of silly shoes?

Image via Irregular Choice.

Feminism Friday: Telly and gender

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 22:55:00 +0000

Recently, I watched the first couple of episodes of a rather epic television series called Game of Thrones. Yes, I know, I'm quite slow to pick up on this one as it debuted in the US this time last year, but do bear with me on this. I watched the first episode and, until the final scenes, the thing that was most memorable to me was the godawful gender stereotyping.

OK, so it's sort of set in the past but, If you're creating a fantasy world, you don't actually have to conform to the rules that medieval British society followed. So why were the girls learning embroidery and the boys brushing up on their fighting skills? Why were the women all doormats or prostitutes? I assume from the love that has been lavished on this adaptation by many people that things will improve, so I shall give it a few more episodes before I decide, but it did make me think about why I love some of the other shows that are on my watch list.

Two of my absolute favourites are Fringe and Castle and, coincidentally, both have pretty amazing female leads. In Fringe, Anna Torv plays FBI Agent Olivia Dunham and, in Castle, Stana Katic plays NYPD Detective Kate Beckett. Both women are strong, intelligent and outstandingly good at what they do, but they're never presented as anything other than human beings with all the flaws that even brilliant people have. Both shows even have interesting older female characters too - Fringe has the enigmatic Nina and Castle has the wise yet whimsical Martha - thus highlighting the distinct lack of decent parts for women over 50 elsewhere.

There are so many amazing roles for female actors these days that it really shows when writers haven't really bothered. Still, there are far more decent parts for women in television than there are in movies. I wonder how many years it'll be before that situation improves?

UPDATE: I've watched the first series of Game of Thrones now and can totally see why people love it so much. There are so many strong female characters in it! If you haven't watched it yet, you shuld definitely check it out.

Deciphering the panic

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 17:33:00 +0000

I have been thinking about polyamory for a while now. However, I don't mean in the context of my blog posts on the subject. I have been thinking of polyamory and what it means to me personally. For almost a year now, I have had one relationship. Last December I wrote about how I could still be polyamorous whilst being in a single relationship, and in January I pondered further what being poly means to me. I wrote on the end of the piece that "whether or not I choose to refer to myself as polyamorous, I shall always choose an ethical brand of non-monogamy"... and that was definitely the start of me wondering whether or not polyamory really is my thing. If I don't want a relationship or any intimate physical contact with anyone other than my primary partner, where does that leave me? Certainly not in a position where I want to talk about polyamory on a personal level, so that meant the publication of Arianne Cohen's piece in The Guardian last weekend was not the best of timing. To say I panicked was something of an understatement.

People now want to talk about it with me, but I just want time to work it all out for myself. I certainly don't want to be a poster girl for polyamory when I'm not even sure it's my thing any more. How can I explain that to someone when they don't understand the concept in the first place? When they don't know that polyamory is one of many forms of non-monogamy? How can I show that poly folk are caring, open and honest, when all they can see is a woman "sharing her boyfriend"? Without the emotional energy to figure out what I want from relationships these days, how can I even begin to explain it to other people? I spoke to Arianne in August last year and could not have imagined how much my feelings on the subject would change in eight months. The panic has now gone, but so has the desire. I just don't know what to say any more.

I am very happy with my relationship but was naive to think that talking to a journalist about our unusual set up would be treated as anything other than an 'example' of polyamory. I'm not an example of anything other than... me. And anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a work in progress.

Image via stevebkennedy's Flickr photostream.

Relationships: Public vs private

noreply@blogger.com (lipsticklori) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 11:15:00 +0000

Speaking openly about being in a non-traditional relationship is a tricky thing. On the one hand, I want other people to understand that, while it may not be for everyone, it works well for us and is not really all that strange. On the other hand, I value my privacy and don't want to upset people I am close to. Last year I spoke to journalist Arianne Cohen about my experiences of being in an open relationship, and my partner and metamour kindly agreed to be photographed with me for the piece. It helped that Arianne was writing for the Guardian. It helped that she is in an open relationship herself. That didn't stop me being somewhat anxious today, wondering what would be published from our telephone chat. Thankfully, the Guardian has said that we're making it work, even though they have printed a bit more detail than I would have liked.

If the subject of non-monogamous relationships is of interest, you might want to check out some of my blog posts on polyamory - including a group blogging project I started called Poly Means Many - pieces that I have written on non-monogamy and polyamory for BitchBuzz, and an interview I did with The High Tea Cast where I talk about how non-monogamy works for me. Hopefully, the more information that is put out there regarding different relationship structures, the more people will realise that nothing is 'normal'. Relationships are supposed to make us happy, so we owe it to ourselves to create one (or more) that is right for us.