Rarely Wears Lipstick

Competition Time: Winner #1

2012-01-27T01:00:00.000Z

This time last week I posted a competition to win a little pile of feminist goodies that I had lying around the house and figured needed to go to a good home. Before going to bed yesterday, I wrote all the names of the commenters on that post on slips of paper, folded and placed them into my purple felt hat, shook it up a bit, and then selected a winner. As you can see from the photo, that person is... Desirée! The prize will be winging its way to her very soon indeed. Thanks very much to everyone who entered.

Competition Time: Over 18s only!

2012-01-26T01:00:00.000Z

Today sees the third and final competition in my clearing-out-the-flat series, and the prize this time is rather smutty indeed. This little parcel of goodies will contain a copy of Tracy Cox's "100 Hot Sex Positions", which I reviewed for BitchBuzz last year. Even if you're not one for working your way through many sexual positions and ticking them off in the margin, there are plenty of other tips in this book, plus a model who looks a bit like John Barrowman! In addition, I shall pass on to you my copy of the erotic novel 3 by Julie Hilden. I read this so long ago now that I can't remember much about it, other than the fact that I liked it. And just in case the books get you a little hot under the collar, I'll also throw in a box of Durex condoms to make sure you stay safe.

If you are interested in winning this sexy little prize, just leave a comment below before midnight on Wednesday I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will announce the winner next Thursday. Good luck!

Competition Time: Vintage goodies

2012-01-25T00:00:00.000Z

It's time for the second of my clear out giveaways, and today's prize might be useful to those of you with an interest in vintage fashion. The main part of this prize is a fantastic book called "1940s Hairstyles" by Daniela Turudich that has a great step-by-step guide to recreating loads of vintage looks. I don't have the energy to spend this much time on my own hair and so decided that the book needed to go to a better home. I was initially thinking of trying to sell it on Amazon Marketplace because copies of the original are listing for £80-200, but the second edition (RRP £16) is due out in May so I doubt anyone will actually be willing to pay that much for those copies! Also in the picture are a bottle of Lipcote, to seal your lippy firmly in place, plus a vintage Peter Pan collar that I attached ribbon to before realising that it doesn't actually go with anything I wear. I have also included a book about the 1950s that was published in 1978, so that one's doubly vintage!

If you are interested in winning this little nod to the past, just leave a comment below before midnight on Tuesday. I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will announce the winner next Wednesday. Good luck!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Zealous

2012-01-24T13:22:00.001Z

As with many things, when it comes to sex, having some enthusiasm for the task at hand is usually considered to be of benefit. An eager lover is far more desirable than one who simply lies back and thinks of what they need to do tomorrow. A partner who is keen to lay their hands on you and is excited about trying new things can bring out the fervent side of all of us. Whether it's a passionate zeal for the act itself or the person you are about to engage in it with, enthusiasm will win you many admirers. As long as you pick up some skills along the way, and are considerate to your lover's needs, eagerness really can go a long way. Don't take it too far though. Erogenous zones are, by their very nature, sensitive and so being over-zealous will put an end to your encounters pretty quickly!

As you can tell, this is the end of my Alternative A-to-Z of Sex. I am keen to start another alphabetical run-down, so am taking suggestions for saucy themes. I may be going with the A-to-Z of Unusual Sex, for those words that you may not have heard of, but all ideas are welcome.

Image via UggBoy's Flickr photostream.

What polyamory means to me

2012-01-23T11:51:00.001Z

There has been a bit of talk about open relationships in the news over the last few days, thanks to a Republican politician named Newt Gingrich. He's hoping to get a chance to go for the trickiest job in the world and so should have been prepared for the media to pick through his private life*. It appears that he was having an affair and wanted to continue without the stress of lying, so suggested to his wife that they switch to an open marriage. FYI, this is not the correct approach. Suggesting to a partner that you open up your relationship only works when you're honest and genuinely care about the other person's feelings and not just your own.

Long discussions about how you both feel about each other - and other people - are good. Working out what to do together is good. Being as open and honest as you can is good. However, what Captain Subtext would have been saying as Gingrich asked about an open marriage was, "I've been lying to you and going behind your back to do things with this person who I now want you to be 100% happy to have in our lives. I am quite selfish." As Beth Anderson has helped me illustrate with the image you see above, this is incorrect.

Fearlessknits wrote about polyamory in The Guardian as a response to Gingrich's guilty little secret being revealed. It's an interesting piece but, as usual, some of the comments leave a lot to be desired. If I had five pounds for every time someone commented "having your cake and eating it" when the subject of consensual non-monogamy is mentioned, I'd have enough to buy a big banner that says YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING. Yes, it's like having more of something good, but it's also about people and their emotions. Please don't attempt to label us all as indecisive children who want All The Toys with your shameful use of cliché. We want all these people because we love and/or desire them, not just because we don't want you to have them. We're not selfish sex addicts, we are loving caring people who simply don't believe that monogamy works for us.

Polyamory to me is about companionship and friendship, as well as relationships. It's about love on many different levels - for example, the love I feel for a metamour is different to that which I feel for a partner but it's still love. Not every relationship has to be full-on but, just because we have other people in our lives, it doesn't mean that we simply want a light-hearted bit on the side. Giving and receiving emotional support is important, and we often have a wider circle of friends who understand our needs and are there for us. I'm not saying that monogamous people don't have this too - many do - but I just wanted to point out that polyamory isn't just about sex, or a bit of lighthearted fun. It sometimes encompasses that too, but don't be surprised if someone who's poly is a teeny bit offended when you suggest that's all their life is about.

Whether or not I choose to refer to myself as polyamorous, I shall always choose an ethical brand of non-monogamy. Even if you think that I'm simply trying to "have my cake and eat it", at least I know that there's more to it like that. I'm doing the right thing for me, and any partners I have will know that I'm being honest with them. The details may be complicated, but we just couldn't live our lives any other way.

*Although it still baffles me why anyone really cares about any detail other than whether or not a politician lied and covered it up, as that's really the only thing that's relevant to their work.

Competition Time: Feminism Friday

2012-01-20T11:13:00.000Z

I will soon be moving house and so, being a bit of a hoarder, need to have a bit of a clear out of all the stuff I have acquired over the last five and a half years. As I waded through the piles of books that I hadn't read or wouldn't read again, I realised that some of visitors to my blog might be interested in them and so I have decided to run a few prize draws. Seeing as today is Friday, I thought I'd start with a little Feminism Friday competition. As you can see from the photo, this prize contains the rather controversial "The Noughtie Girl's Guide to Feminism" by Ellie Levenson. Ideal for someone who is unsure whether or not they are a feminist, or someone who is 100% sure and likes getting angry about stuff! Next up is the fantastic Suffragette and Women's War memerobilia packs that I bought from the National Portrait gallery shop back in October, plus a button badge from the sadly now defunct feminist magazine Subtext. I have also included an interesting book that I got from a professor who was clearing out her office at the last university I worked at. It was published in the early 80s and is called "Women's Work, Men's Work: The Ambivalence of Equality" by Virginia Novarra. Hopefully it's good but I have to admit that it's one of the ones that was on my unread pile!

If you are interested in winning this little pile of feminist fun, just leave a comment below before midnight on Thursday. I shall put every commenter's name in a hat and will anounce the winner next Friday. Good luck!

UPDATE: If you want something interesting to read today, you should check out Retro Chick's fantastic post on vintage feminism.

Doctor Who in New York

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000Z

As I said yesterday, there are two parts of my holiday that I wanted to tell you about. The first was the amazing vintage and retro clothing that I discovered, and the second was the amount of Doctor Who stuff I found in New York. I mean, I knew that US nerds were as obsessed with the show as us Brits are - many of the essays in Chicks Dig Timelords have taught me that - but I wasn't prepared for just how much of it I'd find without really looking. My first encounter was in the shop at the New Museum which had a delightfully sci-fi holiday window with Dalek 'snowmen' and a TARDIS hanging in the air above a Cylon santa in his sleigh pulled by TIE Fighters. Sadly, we didn't manage to get any decent photos of this.

Then, on Saturday 7th January we went along to Wasabassco Burlesque's spectacular free show in The Bell House in Brooklyn. We were treated to oceans of comical, sparkly and also very inventive burlesque performances - e.g. the delightful Hazel Honeysuckle as a tassel-twirling Cookie Monster - plus some great music, go-go dancing and the spectacular cowboy rope and whip skills of Chris McDaniel. However, fantastic though all that was, that's not why I wanted to write about the show. Oh no, there was far more fun in store for us sci-fi geeks. In the single most amazing costume I think I have ever seen a burlesque performer wear, we were treated to... Stormy Leather as a Cylon! The metallic, flashy lights kind too. Even those who'd never watched Battlestar Galactica in their lives must surely have enjoyed watching a woman strip robot parts from her body and leave the stage with red lights flashing up and down her spine. But that still wasn't my highlight though.

Later in the show, our wonderful host Doc Wasabassco announced that the following act would have a sci-fi theme too, based on a long-running British tv show. Then Nasty Canasta, host and producer of Naked Girls Reading NYC, appeared on the stage as an old skool Cyberman and proceeded to remove parts of her costume to the Orbital version of the Doctor Who theme. If that and the union flags on the toe caps of her Doc Marten boots wasn't enough, she was then handed an angle grinder and the sparks really started to fly! I see from her blog that this was the debut performance of this act and I can tell from the massive amount of applause and screaming that the audience absolutely loved it, so I suspect she'll probably be doing it again sometime. If you get a chance to see this woman perform, do not pass up the opportunity. There's a video of the act on her blog for those of us unable to get to her shows due to being stuck on a different continent.

The reason the audience at the Wasabassco show was so nerd-friendly was due in part to the large number of folk there who are regulars at a bar called The Way Station in Brooklyn. It's a lovely little steampunky place, that looks on first glance just like any other cozy bar with booths and comfy seating. That is, until you spot the TARDIS in the room. Yes, The Way Station's bathroom does look just like The Doctor's primary mode of transport, and it also appears to be bigger on the inside too. They have a range of Who-related cocktails and can lend you a sonic screwdriver if you've forgotten yours and want to pose for a photo. How could I resist? New York, I couldn't love you more.

Image of Nasty Canasta by Linus Gelber.

Vintage and pin-up clothing in New York

2012-01-18T00:00:00.000Z

As this year began, I headed to New York with Mr Topper to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday, to visit the lovely Rachael Gray, and also to spend a while getting to know the city a bit better. We holidayed there in 2008 and, despite doing only tourist-friendly things, absolutely loved it. This time we had no plan, and the added bonus of Rachael who'd had a few months to get to know where all the cool stuff was, so we got a rather different view of NYC. I'll spare you all the blow-by-blow account of what we did while we were there, but I have decided to post here about a couple of things I think you'll like. The first of these is the amazing array of vintage and retro clothing that I found for sale.

Now, as I said before, we had no plan. When we went to Stockholm a few years ago, I made a list of all the places I wanted to visit before we'd even left the UK, and this included the likes of Beyond Retro. However, for some reason it didn't even occur to me to do the same thing for this holiday. That turned out to not be a problem at all because, on our second day in NYC, we accidentally found ourselves in the rather splendid The Dressing Room on Orchard Street, browsing their clothing, jewellery and also having a cheeky afternoon cocktail at their bar (see photo above). Just down the road from there, we discovered that David Owens Vintage Clothing has plenty of fab vintage coats, jackets and accessories, including menswear. Orchard Street is also home to Daha Vintage where I tried on a couple of beautiful skirts and a 1940s coat (which were all sadly too small). This store also has a wonderful selection of vintage shoes.

In fact, I found that most of the vintage shops I stumbled across in New York had a rather wonderful selection of shoes (in very good condition too), especially Marmalade Vintage where I bought myself a gorgeous pair of Nine West brogue-style heels (see photo). The final place I remember visiting was Screaming Mimi's on Lafayette Street, where we stopped off for me to try and find an accessory that would co-ordinate with my new shoes. I found a pretty scarf that was just what I was looking for, and could have spent far longer browsing in there than I did. Rachael bought a rather amazing leopard print faux fur coat from Screaming Mimi's, so I hope a photo of her wearing it appears on the internet soon to enable me to share the joy!

It wasn't just the vintage stores that caught my eye either - we managed to find a bit of glamorous retro clothing too. Punk store Trash & Vaudeville on St Marks Place seems an unlikely place to find pin-up clothing, but they stock a few Stop Staring dresses and I couldn't resist buying myself a slinky little polka dot number. Perhaps I should have waited a little bit though as, not long after we left that store, Rachael spotted Enz's as we walked along Second Avenue. It is an amazing little boutique, absolutely crammed to the brim with pin-up and rockabilly clothing plus some gorgeous accessories. The owner really knows her stuff too! Check out this great review by Vintage Vandalizm. If you find yourself in NYC, I would highly recommend a visit to Enz's.

I'd not really planned to do quite so much rummaging while I was away, but couldn't resist sharing the little gems I discovered, in case you find yourself in NYC soon. If you have come across any fantastic little vintage boutiques on your travels, I'd love to hear about them!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Yes

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000Z

Yes. The word you say before anything else happens. We say yes to a date, yes to a drink, yes to going back to their place. However you consent to sex, there is always a yes there. Whether or not your mouth forms the word itself, there is a yes in your eagerness to proceed. Every item of clothing that falls to the floor is a yes. Every touch that is welcomed. And then you start to feel those intense feelings... the orgasm is on its way. The word you say as everything comes to an end is also yes... Yes... YES!

Image via Alexandre Dulaunoy's Flickr photostream.

Recommendation: Deluxe Magic Wand from Lovehoney

2012-01-16T20:00:00.000Z

I forget exactly when, but it was a fair few years ago now that I first found out about the Hitachi Magic Wand. A sturdy beast of a vibrator, the Hitachi could be used to massage backs and shoulders, but was more often used to pretty much force an orgasm out of any woman who put it near her clit. Just too much for some and utterly indispensable for others, the magic wand is well known for packing a metaphorical punch when used as a sex toy. For years, the original Hitachi Magic Wand wasn't available in the UK but there were several alternative versions, including rechargeable massagers that could be used further away from electrical sockets than the mains-powered ones would allow.

I once bought a rechargeable wand from a seller at Erotica. It came with a power converter and, although that was bulky, it recharged quickly and safely for a couple of hours of use. Sadly, after a few years, this vibrator failed to hold its charge and so would run out of power rather too quickly. After one disappointment too many, I binned the thing. What I needed was a similar product with a power cord that was actually designed for use in the UK. Thankfully, Lovehoney has a rather impressive range of magic wands in their online store. In addition to their regular wand, they've recently launched a Deluxe mains-powered version along with more compact rechargeable micro and mini versions. As few things offer the power of this type of toy, when I was offered a chance to test their mains-powered Deluxe Magic Wand, I found it hard to refuse.

It's an extremely sturdy toy that can be used to massage aching muscles or to bring you to orgasm. Everyone should have at least one multi-purpose power tool in their home, right? Although the 1.8m power cord isn't quite long enough to reach from the spare wall socket to the bed in my current house, I'm sure it will be a pretty decent length for most people. The wand has a scroll wheel to vary the power so you can ramp it up exactly to your liking, but it's definitely worth moving your hand away from this once you've found a setting you love, so that you don't accidentally knock it. The motor is extremely powerful but sadly rather loud. It's been so long since my last magic wand worked that I can't remember how noisy that one was, but I don't think it had the same high-pitched whine when on full power. Still, when being used for sexual stimulation, chances are that you won't need it on full power for very long at all. A reviewer on the Lovehoney site pointed out that, although this toy is loud, you'll probably be much louder!

The lower speeds are great for foreplay and can be used to tease every erogenous zone you can find. In addition, if you or your partner enjoy using sturdy restraints or like to wear a corset, the vibrations from this powerful toy can be applied to one area and will travel all over the body through the rope or steel boning. This type of vibrator offers a different type of sensation when lightly touched onto skin or when pressed hard and, because you can't always anticipate how it will feel at first, it also works well as a fun toy to use with a partner. Play around and see what reactions you get wherever you place it.

I found that the highest setting was a bit too much for me during standard solo use, but it did prove to be very useful on those days when a bit extra oomph is required. Whether or not you need strong intense vibrations to get you off, the Lovehoney Deluxe Magic Wand is still worth investing in. Even if it turns out to be too much stimulation to apply to your most sensitive parts, you can always use it to massage your back when you don't have anyone else to ask! Something tells me this toy's going to last me quite some time.

Feminism Friday: What feminism means to me

2012-01-13T16:55:00.003Z

It took me a while before I realised I was a feminist. In my mid-20s I discovered a new website called The F-Word and realised that I felt the same way as its writers did. I felt that women often got a rough deal in many aspects of their lives and clearly it wasn't just me being a whiny little bitch, complaining about being hard done by, because others felt the same way. Perhaps I wasn't imagining it after all. It wasn't just the big stuff that bugged me - like the fact that, on average, women still earn considerably less than men - but also little things like female celebrities always having to be 'sexy' in photographs while their male counterparts get to be funny, interesting, business-like, intriguing, intelligent and fully clothed. Don't even get me started on the pressure women have to stay looking young and slim. I can't quite explain how happy it made me feel recently to see a poster on the Tube featuring a beautiful photo of Helen Mirren, wrinkles and all.

It's not just how society behaves as a whole, either. Individual men and women can be spectacularly misogynist without even realising it. In her book How to be a Woman, Caitlin Moran suggests a handy test for working out if you are being faced with sexism, or simply just someone being rude: Would they say/do that if you were male? Basically, would this happen to a man? If the answer is no, then you're facing sexist bullshit. Men may be surprised to hear that this happens quite often to most women. In fact, some women might be surprised to hear that it happens. They've been brought up in a world where we're told that this stuff is OK, so they just shrug it off to the point where they don't even realise it's bad any more. Well, guess what? It is definitely not OK. All the little comments that we are told are just 'harmless fun' and we apparently 'have no sense of humour' if we don't laugh along... imagine life without that. Nicer, huh?

Being judged solely on your appearance, having work contacts assume you're not the boss because of your gender, extremely low rape conviction rates, the erosion of women's reproductive rights, kid's toys being segregated by gender, casual sexism making a comeback, women taking their husband's name without even thinking about it, pink gadgets for girls, porn culture being normalised... all this stuff is just as damaging to men as it is to women. As a society, we're all just sucking it up and questioning nothing. Men are conditioned to believe they should be active and aggressive - just as women should be passive and meek - and so any supposed 'weakness' is seen as an un-masculine flaw. Men are entitled to very little paternity leave and so they can rarely afford to become the primary care-giver for their new baby, even if they want to be. How is all this gender-based nonsense good for anyone?

You don't have to look a certain way to be a feminist. It doesn't matter what clothes you wear, how much hair you have or what variety of genitals you possess. You don't have to hate men, or porn, or cosmetics. You can be a stay-at-home parent who enjoys baking and still be a feminist. You just have to point out the bullshit and believe in a better world. To be honest, you don't even have to like the word feminist! It's just better if we all huddle together for warmth, support and getting our voices heard. Feminism to me means questioning things and, hopefully, making other people stop and think. Even though my feminism may be of the armchair variety, every movement needs talkers as well as do-ers so I'm just as welcome as anyone.

Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? If so, what does it mean to you? If not, why not? Do share your stories in the comments section as I'd be very interested to hear them.

First image by lipsticklori, second via natashalcd's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Xenophilia

2012-01-11T13:20:00.001Z

Xenophilia is described as an affection for unknown objects or people. It could apply to a desire for sex with strangers and so could be used to describe those who enjoy swinging or cruising. It can also apply to an attraction to things/people that are foreign. An English woman who lusts after Greek men is perhaps something of a xenophile, as is someone who is turned on by people simply speaking in languages other than their own (see Jamie-Lee Curtis in A Fish Called Wanda). However, as you might expect, pornography seems to take the definition to an extreme. Alien is another word for foreign, so clearly xenophiles want to have sex with aliens, right? I was about to dismiss this idea entirely and then I remembered a certain alien race, the last of which have regenerated into rather desirable forms in recent years. If Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, John Simm and Matt Smith were actual real life examples of alien life, I think I'd be more than happy with that type of xenophilia!

Image by the BBC, via Den of Geek.

Spending mindfully on a shoestring

2012-01-10T08:29:00.002Z

Guest Blogger #13 - The very helpful and wise Desirée has some useful post-Christmas tips for you. If you like what you see here, she can be found at ladyuhuru.com or on twitter as @ladyuhuru.

When I first moved to the UK 4½ years ago, I not only had the shock of living in London, one of the most expensive cities in the world, but also the horrific (at the time) US Dollar to British Pounds exchange rate. The money I had went faster than I thought possible: on theatre tickets, tube fares, pints at the pub, even on sandwiches from the corner shop. I have learned much since then about how to live on a budget in London; but I’ll always have much more to learn because London is a multi-layered and multi-faceted place with a wide range of incomes, from the insanely wealthy to the extremely poor. Most cities in the world are like this, but the advantage is that London does cater for the poorer side of that spectrum if you know where to look.

It’s the new year and undoubtedly many of you will have made resolutions of "spend less money" or "save more", so here are a few words about how to get into the mindset of spending less money and more mindfully. These tips can be applied to anyone, not just my fellow Londoners:

Budgeting

Budget carefully, but first you need to be fully aware of your own spending habits and patterns.
So step one: track your expenditure. Get a small notebook dedicated for this, that you can carry around in your pocket or handbag; or if you prefer a smartphone version you can use a money-tracking application like "Tap Money Tracker" (for Android) or YNAB or Jotnot (for iPhone). You’ll need to use the categories on these and log your spending diligently for a week.
After a week, sit down and look at everything you’ve spent. You may notice that you spend an excessive amount of money on going to the pub, eating out, and on transportation (especially in London). Don’t beat yourself up about it; we all do it and it’s a sign of a healthy social life.
Next, make a realistic budget – I cannot emphasise the "realistic" aspect of this enough. I recommend doing this on a weekly basis. Every week, take out what you will need to spend in cash on food, transportation, entertainment, etc, and put this cash into separate envelopes.
Once the cash is gone, it’s gone, and you will not be able to spend any more for that week. Try this for a month and see how you go. Adjust the following month’s budget according to your needs, incomings, and outgoings, and based on your experience of the past month.

Transportation

Oyster: buy a Travelcard/bus pass to make sure your travel is covered.
Oyster: show an LUL office your National Railcard to get a lower daily capping rate on PAYG fares.
If you're a student at a London university (including part-time OU students living in London) you can get a student Oyster card.
Open University will often pay for your study if you're on Jobseekers Allowance (some exceptions) which gives you something to do during the day and a qualification at the end of it.
TfL Single Fare Finder, if you use PAYG Oyster, tells you how much a single fare is and helps you avoid Zone 1 if possible.
Utilise the buses more than the tube, if you can help it. The fares tend to be much cheaper, and you are more likely to get a seat on the bus than the tube. Use the extra time to read your book or listen to some podcasts. Check the TFL website for busroutes

Culture

London has some amazing free museums:

Near Holborn in Central London: the British Museum – massive and free!
Kensington: the Victoria & Albert Museum, Natural History Museum and the Science Museums. These are all within walking distance and most exhibits are sponsored (and therefore free!).
Sloane Square; visit the Saatchi Modern Art Gallery, which is also free with a good rotation of exhibits.
South Bank: Tate Modern is excellent and the main exhibitions are free. I also recommend investing in an annual Tate membership, which means you can free entry into all the exhibitions, as well as entrance to the members bar (plus all the food and drinks in the members bar are much cheaper). This is a pretty fantastic way to spend a first date (or even a 30th date!), if I do say so myself.

Eating in

Avoiding eating out (apart from special occasions) is also an essential strategy for living in a city like London. Invest in lots of Tupperware and a slow cooker. Do batch cooking on Saturday or Sunday for most of your week, or if you’re home many nights you can do a weekly mealplan.
As for food shopping, use your local resources: corner shops, pound shops, markets, etc.
Vegetables are much cheaper in corner shops or markets than in supermarkets, although do bear in mind that if bought in a corner shop or market they will tend to go “off” more quickly than other places.
Do a big online grocery shop once a month for non-perishables and heavy things like tins, rice, pasta, juice etc – you can make a lot of savings that way.

For regular tips on saving money and spending smartly, please check out my brand-new new tumblr shoestringlondon.tumblr.com

(Many thanks to the following people for their contributions: Andi Rutherford, Katie Sutton, Moodthy Al-Ghorairi, Sarah Whittaker, and Leah Ridgway)

All Change

2012-01-04T00:00:00.000Z

Guest Blogger #12 - Melissa has a beautifully NSFW Tumblr blog and can often on be found on Twitter. In fact... that's where she found me.

Settling into the single bed in my Mum's spare bedroom on Christmas Night, was not where I thought I'd be at the beginning of 2011. Feeling like a teenager again, with my Mum excitedly coming to greet me in the mornings, and checking if I'm OK during the day. Having gone through a major relationship separation this year, including moving out and into my own place, I've had a year of significant change. It seems I'm not alone. Many I know have made radical decisions in 2011. Calculated, considered, but certainly reviewing what they have against what they want. The common thread that binds us is an evaluation of what we need, physically and emotionally as we move into 2012. Some have needed to go through intense pain as their relationships with themselves and others evolve.Talking to friends and colleagues, it's clear that it isn't an 'age thing', as there are a variety of ages and lifestyles involved.

I believe these shifts have come as a reaction to what's going on around us. 2011 has been a challenging year economically, socially, politically, encouraging us to reflect on what's important to us. To consider which relationships to let go of, and which to invest more in. What inspires us and motivates us in terms of self development? Where do we want to be socially and how do we want to spend our time? What type of working environment do we thrive from, or what sacrifices are we prepared to make to lead certain lifestyles? My evaluations and decisions have been driven by what I need and want, rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing. Many people I know are choosing to feel less socially constrained by imposed stereotypes and judgement, instead they are opting to make themselves happy first. And isn't this the point? What it has taken me 33 years to realise, is that making yourself happy first means you have the motivation, energy and space to have fulfilling relationships with others. Whatever form they take.

2012 feels full of promise, of new adventures, new experiences, new friends, and of course holding those who we already have in our lives closer. One I will be embracing wholeheartedly, I deserve it!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Why

2012-01-03T00:00:00.000Z

Why do you want sex? What are the reasons behind it? Do you genuinely desire and want to fuck the person you're with right now, or do you merely think that doing so will keep them happy? Are you having sex because you want to feel loved, because you need an orgasm, because you're keen to try something new, or simply because you can? In a way, it doesn't really matter what the reason is but it's always useful to have some idea why you're doing something, as it will then make it easier to get your needs met. Whatever your reason for intimately exploring another person, just make sure it is of benefit to you and not solely a choice made in order to please someone else. It takes (at least) two, so don't for a second think that your own desires are unimportant. You really are worth it.

Waiting For A Weightless Perspective

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000Z

Guest Blogger #11 - Claire Nelson is a tea-obsessed writer and harmonica player. She recently moved from London back to her native New Zealand, but we all still stalk her on Twitter.

I have a question. When was it decided that the single most pressing issue concerning women was our appearance? It seems that weight loss has become the headlining issue in the world of women’s magazines, and frankly, there are far more interesting things to talk about.

I’m not about to discount the issue of body image - and I realise that for a lot of women the weight loss mission rages on in their day to day lives. But right there, fuelling those insecurities, are our beloved magazines; singing about diet tips, playing dress-ups with models and reassuring us that we too can attain physical perfection with the right personal trainer. It’s like the chicken and egg syndrome: magazines may claim they write about body insecurity because it plagues so many women; but so many women are plagued by body insecurity because magazines are constantly preaching about attaining an ideal.

Not that I entirely blame media for this ongoing quest for perfection; of course I think there is more to it than magazines. Yet media has such a big part to play. With publication comes responsibility, and if you are feeding information and ideas to thousands of women, there needs to be some forethought into the message that is being put out there. The idea that weight loss is the holy grail ought to be knocked on its head once and for all. Surely we are motivated by more than appearance?

Case in point: does anyone really need to know how much so-and-so ate during their interview, or how petite they look in real life? Can’t we just hear what they have to say? I keep looking for better, bolder, more intelligent magazines for women, and I have found a few, but from time to time I will still find weight-related headlines slapped on their covers.

Even when the subject is wrapped up in the angle of overcoming poor body image - a subject which can be so powerful when approached well - it often comes out like a patronising pat on the back of the average woman: as if to say, “Your shape is lovely too, even though you don’t look like the pictures in our magazine”. The message needs to go beyond the article.

Certainly information on health and fitness is valuable, yet I do not see enough features on health and fitness written for the sake of just that. Too often the focus is on getting that “bikini body“, and fitting into those skinny jeans, and so the fitness-for-the-sake-of-fitness concept is denied a place on the pedestal. Even interviews with female athletes are dumbed down and turned into discussions about body shape and fitness fashion, and suddenly we’re comparing ourselves to an ideal again. It seems that when it comes to women, it always has to be about how we look.

Of course it’s not all bad. Sometimes magazines get it very right, and I hang on to those magazines that “get” it. But why are there so few? I know so many intelligent, empathic writers and editors, and I wonder why it is that mags are still doing this. I would love to see more publications step away from body image altogether, drive the focus to what is going on in our brains, and frankly, stop making a big deal about the way we look. All women deserve a better source of motivation.

OK, as women we may take an interest in our appearance, but what would happen if we just stopped focusing on appearance altogether? My god, imagine the interesting things we would read about! If I were to describe my ideal magazine content I would like to use the words “motivate”, “inspire” and “challenge” but your average magazine seems to attach these to the diet and weight-loss regime. I would love to see these words reinstated in the minds - rather than bodies - of women because that’s where the most interesting and incredible ideas are to be found.

It’s all very well to talk about women being different shapes and sizes, but more importantly, we all have brains! We all have something brilliant to offer! Ladies, don’t we all have other things on our minds? I for one think it’s about time we started reading more about those.

What I Wore Wednesday

2011-12-28T23:23:00.000Z

Sometimes it's good to wait. A few months ago I tried on a skirt in John Lewis and it was pretty much perfect for me. A wide waistband that sat on the natural waist, a full skirt, carefully placed patch pockets and beautiful button detailing down the back. It was the sort of wool mix that meant that the fabric hung beautifully and, if looked after correctly, would last a long time. The only problem was that it was not cheap. At all! That Ted Baker skirt cost £149. I knew it would be an investment but I just didn't have that amount of money, so I vowed to wait for the sales and hoped that it would still be available in my size. Fast-forward to Christmas and one of the items that my parents gave me didn't fit, so I headed to John Lewis (where else?) to see if I could exchange it. On the off chance, I looked at the rails of Ted Baker clearance items and couldn't believe my luck when I found a Joele skirt in a size 3... and half price! Braving Oxford Street so soon after the start of the sales could have been a massive mistake but, as someone told me yesterday, "fortune favours the bold". I know it's only a skirt but looking awesome is the first step to being awesome, right?

I couldn't resist Transatlantic Blonde's suggestion that my new skirt should become part of a What I Wore Wednesday blog post. After all, that means I have a valid excuse to put a picture of Cher from Clueless on Rarely Wears Lipstick. The story of the skirt has proved that, like Cher, I don't need to be a "ditz with a credit card". If something is worth it, I can probably get it for less. If not, I can do without. My top in this photo was being discarded by a friend. The shoes were from an outlet store. I have decided that 2012 is going to be a year where I stop impulse buying (yes, even small items of make-up), and leave the credit well alone. I shall think more about slow fashion and the price we pay for our sartorial desires. What are your plans for the coming year?

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Visual

2011-12-27T13:40:00.000Z

When you look at sensual photos of attractive people, does it turn you on? It's a well reported fact that men are more easily stimulated by visual cues than women. However, this doesn't mean that women don't find the sight of their partner in a state of undress - or some really good porn - a turn on, it just means that we usually need a bit more than that to get us to a point of action. Combined with touch, smell and even sound, visual stimulation can have a very obvious effect on most women too. We should all enjoy this more. Rather than plunging right in with some hardcore videos, why not start gently? Admire each other's bodies as if you've never seen them before. Relish the parts that excite you, as if you are creating a mental image to store and save for a time when you're not together. Choose erotic rather than pornographic images for your alone time. Start slowly and build up. After all, good things come to those who wait.

Festive Friday: All I want for Christmas...

2011-12-23T00:00:00.000Z

When the lovely Melaina over at Transatlantic Blonde was discussing her ultimate Christmas song this week, she tagged me in her post. Now I don't usually take part in blog memes but, after listening to Xmas CDs in the office every afternoon since the beginning of the month, I just couldn't resist this one. I've heard so much unusual Christmas music lately that selecting a favourite from it all was always going to be tricky. Should I go for an underplayed classic (Step Into Christmas by Elton John), a favourite in my office (We Wanna See Santa Do The Mambo by Big John Greer), or something with a little bit of extra 'cheer' (Fuck Christmas by Eric Idle)? One of my colleagues introduced me to the delights of the Psychobilly Christmas album this year, plus Topper found Nightmare Revisited (Kidnap The Sandy Claws by Korn!) and the somewhat more annoying Christmas Cats on Spotify. But, don't worry, I won't subject you to 30 seasonal songs sung by sampled felines. Instead, I shall share a wonderful winter warmer from Frisky & Mannish. Enjoy!

Rather than tag anyone in this post, I shall simply request that you leave a comment with your own ultimate seasonal tune, if you have one. There's more to festive music than Wizzard and Slade, right? Happy Holidays to you all!

Playful Promises design competition

2011-12-22T00:00:00.000Z

Playful Promises have launched a design competition inviting students, graduates and those with a flair for fashion to submit lingerie designs for the Playful Promises Spring/Summer 2013 lingerie collection. Paradise is Playful Promises forthcoming SS13 lingerie collection, featuring "a future-retro look inspired by innocence versus sin and exotic infusions". Inspiring stuff! Playful Promises is looking for designs for pretty much anything that you might consider to be lingerie: corsets, bras, briefs, suspender belts, basques, peek-a-boo briefs, waspies and more. This should give you plenty of room to explore. The brief suggests a colour palette of nudes and blush pinks, with dashes of brights such as acid yellow, apricot and magenta. Inspiration can also be drawn from John Milton’s notorious poem Paradise Lost.

The winning design will be featured in Playful Promises SS13 lingerie collection, which will be sold globally to independent boutiques, department stores and well-known ecommerce sites. That's going to look good on anyone's design CV! The competition closes on 31st March 2012 and entries will be judged by Founder & Designer Emma Parker, with Design & Production Manager Louise McNaughton. The collection will be launched July 2012 and then available in stores January 2013. For more information, a copy of the brief and trend inspiration, please contact Delphine Thwaites. Do let me know if you enter, and... good luck!

Image by Stylesight for Playful Promises.

Poly means many

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000Z

It's been a few years since my primary partner and I decided to dip our toes into the waters of polyamory. We've pretty much been non-monogamous from the start, and ethical about it too, but the decision to open ourselves up to additional loving relationships was a tough one even though it was the logical next step. Many difficult emotions are stirred up by polyamory and we knew it was going to be tricky, but an awful lot of fun times have been had. The good times always outweigh the bad, or we just wouldn't continue along this path.

Slightly odd situations can crop up though, even when things are going swimmingly. Take right now, for example. He has one other partner yet I have only him. I am technically still poly, but I have only one partner. I guess, in a strange way, it's a bit like being bi and being in a single relationship. Just because I'm in a relationship with a man, does not mean that I am monogamous and straight. Bisexuality is about being attracted to people of your own and other genders, and so I also shouldn't forget that polyamory is about the desire to have more than one open loving relationship. I'm fine just the way I am... even if poly does technically mean many.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Underwear

2011-12-20T10:54:00.001Z

It couldn't have been anything else for U in my A-to-Z, could it? U is most definitely for Underwear. Gorgeous lingerie can make you feel utterly amazing. Sexy man pants can really boost your confidence. No matter what your gender, there's no denying that skimpies matter. However, don't go thinking that underwear has to look overtly 'sexy' in order to make you feel fuckable. It's not just about knowing how you look once the clothes come off, it's about how the undies feel against your skin when you put them on. They don't have to be the most expensive under garments in the world, either. If cotton jersey helps you feel fresh and comfortable, then it'll work for you. If you prefer something plain, that doesn't mean you have to go over the top in order to be sexy. Sometimes simple works best. You know we've all had our 'lucky pants' at one time or another, right? The pair that look good, feel great and never put people off so are always an obvious choice when we're hoping to get lucky. Well, why not treat yourself to a few pairs? Try clingy, sheer, patterned, peep-holes, large or skimpy. If you look at lingerie and it makes you go "ooh!", remember that is the feeling you want to capture while you're wearing it. Try it on and, as long as it doesn't break the bank, buy it! Underwear that helps you feel sexy and confident is never a waste of money... even when it doesn't stay on terribly long.

Image via Kiss Me Deadly.

Recommendation: Honi from PicoBong

2011-12-19T10:00:00.000Z

I recently discovered that those fabulous folk at LELO have launched a new mid-range brand of sex toys. The rather playfully-named PicoBong has an initial offering of six waterproof, travel-ready vibrators. With an online marketing campaign which includes flash games, iPhone/Android apps and blogs, PicoBong say they are hoping to "open a global forum to communicate the value of safe sexual experimentation with the help of sex toys, rather than catering to the traditional less-refined standards often found in the industry." An interesting concept, but one that will only work if the products are up to scratch.

PicoBong kindly offered to send me one of their launch products and I have to admit that I was rather excited about this. After all, many of us know just how great LELO's products are but not everyone has the budget for them. This new brand is promising a step up from ugly cheap sex toys but without the giant leap in price. If the quality is there, these would definitely be big sellers. I decided to test the Honi - the mini toy with mega vibrations - which is available on the PicoBong website for a mere £26.95 and is delivered in very discreet packaging. The website gives you all the information you need to select the toy that's right for you, and this little baby seemed like my idea of fun!

I'm happy to report that, not only is the Honi delightfully simple in its design, it is also amazingly straightforward to use. Seriously, the instruction manual is barely longer than a couple of tweets, because that's really all you need to know to work the thing. Brilliant stuff! It has plenty more going for it too. It's waterproof, so you can use it in in more than one place (use your imagination!), and it also has a rather quiet motor, which means that it's only you who has to keep the noise down. Another thing I liked was that, although it is a silicone toy, it is firm to the touch. This is great for applying just the amount of pressure you like when using the Honi externally.

Although it promises "mega vibrations", the Honi does have more subtle speeds for those who like it softer or prefer a slow build up. The multiple speeds and vibration patterns are easily controlled with a mere two buttons. Yes, the interface really is that simple! You only need to remember that the one nearest the string is the down/off button and it becomes easy to control the Honi without looking. The design geeks amongst you will also love the fact that these buttons are built into the P and B of the logo on the surface of the toy. Basically, all you need to do to get started with this pretty little thing is to make sure that you have an AAA battery at the ready. Once you've popped that in the Honi and felt the buzz, I very much doubt you'll be disappointed. I found it was perfect for delivering the vibrations I wanted, exactly where they were needed. A truly great product for a great price.

Feminism Friday: Women of the Year

2011-12-16T16:02:00.000Z

The Guardian posted their Women of the Year list online today, which is an interesting collection indeed. Their selections are much more deserving than those on many other lists I've seen, some of which only seem to celebrate fame and beauty. Although I often have trouble remembering the events of the previous 12 months by the time it comes to this time of year, I decided to try compiling a list of my own. I wanted to come up with a selection of 10 wonderful women who have inspired me in one way or another this year. I've stuck to amazing women I've had the pleasure of meeting in real life, but there were many more I could have featured if I'd broadened the scope. In fact, there were many more I could have included full stop! I did decide to stick to a list of 10 and so, without further ado, here's the Rarely Wears Lipstick Women of the Year 2011!

Amanda Jones - A super-busy social entrepreneur and coffee addict, Amanda spends her days helping thirsty children and still manages to fit in side projects, like organising the SHINE unconference. She has exciting new things planned for 2012 too!
Cate Sevilla - Running BitchBuzz.com, hosting workshops on blogging, writing for Emerald Street, looking glamorous, and yelling at idiots on Twitter is what Cate does best. And we love her for it.
Beth Anderson - Perhaps London's premier musical pedal-powered vegan artist/geek, Beth has spent 2011 battling the money demons and has succeeded in banishing them. She has also entertained and educated her many Twitter followers along the way.
Ayten Mustafa - The lovely Creative Director of Ayten Gasson was playing the time-consuming parts of 'bride' and 'mum' this year, yet she still managed to find time to show me her studio and help me make a garter as a wedding gift for my sister.
Helen Arney - One of my great discoveries of 2011 has been Festival of the Spoken Nerd, of which Helen is one third. She's a singer, songwriter, comedian... and she'll be on stage at the fantastic comedy charity event Sex Appeal in the new year!
Rubyyy Jones - Runner-Up in this year's Burlesque Idol competition, Rubyyy is a performer who is bringing something different and creative to the cabaret stage. She's been working hard on her hilarious and rather saucy acts this year, so make sure you see her in 2012.
Sarah Cook - When she's not running Hub King's Cross or stage-managing various events, Sarah has been doing a fair bit of ass kicking with the feminist gang over at Bad Reputation. Mess with her at your peril.
Alison Brumfitt - Not only does she create and perform some bloody excellent poetry, but Alison also lives on a boat. Yes, a BOAT! 'Nuff said.
Poppy Dinsey - For a while, I thought that Poppy's job was to keep me entertained on Twitter. Thankfully she managed to set up WIWT without leaving that particular social network. Not sure what I'd have done otherwise.
Fiona Deane - My sister bought a house, planned a wedding and completed the first part of her MBA all the the same 12 months. If she has time when she's finished her dissertation, I think I'll ask her to host a small seminar on time management, as I could do with some tips!

Image of Rubyyy Jones taken by Echo Moss at Barelesque in October 2011.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Testing

2011-12-13T16:19:00.001Z

I would hope that you already know to carry condoms. Unless you and your partner(s) have been recently tested and have a clean bill of sexual health, by far the safest way to have sex is to rubber up before getting down to business. If you haven't been tested, have you considered it? Visiting a genito-urinary medicine (GUM) clinic is a simple route to the safest sex you'll ever have. You can get tested for STIs, get advice and also get free condoms! Everything is discussed in confidence, you don't have to use your real name, and the doctors there won't even tell your GP so there is no need to be embarrassed about anything. What's stopping you? Unless you're 100% monogamous and are sure your partner is too, you shouldn't be waiting to get tested when you think you've got something - you should be doing it regularly to prove to yourself and others that you haven't. Surely taking a morning off work to get everything checked out is a small price to pay?

This was adapted from a piece I wrote last year for BitchBuzz, because I can't think of a better way to say it!

Feminism Friday: Pink stinks!

2011-12-09T13:04:00.001Z

I've had it with pointlessly gendered products. Pink for boys and blue for girls - not only should we all have grown out of this a long time ago, like the 1980s, but it's actually getting worse! Charlie posted a link to some 'delightfully feminine' gadgets on Twitter earlier today, which made me realise what I've been doing wrong all this time with my photography. Clearly my photos would be so much better if I was using a camera that is designed for my gender. If my camera was pink, then all would be right with the world. Know what I say to that? BOLLOCKS!

You can stuff your fairydust-powered car accessories, pink cameras and glitter-encrusted Christmas gifts "for her" up your stupid lazy marketeer arse. Same goes for all that shite "for him" too. Believe it or not, some men don't even like football, piss-weak lager and objectifying women! While you're at it, stop dividing kids' stuff by gender too. A friend of mine had some rather awesome 'space baby' socks for her daughter, but found that they were only available in the boy's section. It's fine to arrange the clothes/toys by colour or activity, but it's 100% not OK to enforce ridiculous gender stereotypes in this way. Girls do/wear this and boys do/wear that? Really? Says who? Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me! I want gender-neutral gadgets and I want to be able to easily choose between All The Things. Is that really too much to ask?

Catching it early

2011-12-08T00:00:00.000Z

If you live in the UK, you'll probably already know that the NHS has lots of cancer screening programmes, designed to spot the early signs and take action before things develop further. The one which I have first-hand knowledge of is the cervical screening process. A year ago I wrote about the worry that can arise from a routine smear test because, the first time my results were abnormal, I had no idea what to expect. I thought that writing about my experience might help others to realise the programme is there to ensure that you have very little chance of actually developing cervical cancer, providing you go for your smear tests when they're due. I have recently had another set of abnormal results and have been called for a colposcopy once more, and so I thought this was a subject worth addressing again.

What actually happens in a smear test? Well, I shall leave that to mydiaryfromdownunder to explain. Suffice to say that, although it can be painful for some women, for most it's merely uncomfortable. I've been rather fortunate in that, although I have had a lot of smears in my life so far, they have all been carried out by kind and proficient healthcare professionals. Not everyone is that lucky though, so do complain if you feel you have been treated badly. However, the really important thing to remember here is that this might save your life.

If you are over 25 years old and you have a cervix, please make sure that you are registered with a doctor and are getting a smear at least every 3 years. Keeping an eye on any changes means that any treatment you need to keep you healthy will be very minor indeed.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Scent

2011-12-07T11:09:00.001Z

Scent plays a big part in attraction for some people. We all know this. For some, it's that fresh-from-the-shower smell that turns them on. For others it's their partner's choice of bottled fragrance mixed with their own natural scent. Your lover may even be attracted by a smell that you assumed they wouldn't like - perhaps the tasty aroma of food on your breath or the wonderful natural smell of your genitals. Everyone is different and so nothing can be assumed. For me, it's the way scent can revive memories that makes it so very fascinating. The way my hair still pleasingly smells of someone else's bed the day after, or the way that walking past someone on the street who wears the same cologne as an ex can mean I'm almost transported back in time. The most powerful of flashbacks often seem to be powered only by our sense of smell. Olfactory memory might night sound like a spectacularly sexy term, but the results can often be far more erotic than you might first think.

Image via Ms. Tina's Flickr photostream.

What Katie Did: Glamour and Seduction

2011-12-05T13:24:00.001Z

When an email pops up in my inbox telling me about a workshop that is going to be held at one of my favourite lingerie boutiques in London, it is always going to grab my attention. Especially if it's part of an afternoon of "glamour and seduction". Hair and make-up tips for easy Christmas party glamour from the fabulous Lipstick & Curls? Fantastic! A crash course on Christmas party confidence from Miss Polly Rae, showing you how to work the room to become the sauciest belle of the ball? Ooh, yes please! Tasty cocktails, gorgeous cakes from Vintage Patisserie, a goody bag and shopping voucher? What Katie Did certainly know how to tempt me! Resistance was futile, so I snapped up a couple of tickets and popped the date into my diary as quickly as I could.

My good friend Amanda Jones and I decided that public transport was probably not the best way to get from south east to west London on a Sunday and so, yesterday afternoon, we jumped into the car and set off with the heat blasting and the sat nav guiding us. Sadly, my Tom Tom seemed completely oblivious to additional issues such as traffic and diversions, so we had to call the boutique to let them know we'd be a bit late. When we finally arrived, the lovely Maz greeted us with a smile and said she'd managed to move us to the later workshop, so we had some time to sit down with chocolates and a teacup of tasty gin cocktail in order to recover from our transport ordeal. As we chatted, my eye was caught by the row of Besame make-up testers and then, as I cooed over the beautiful colours and the classic compacts, I got distracted yet again by the sight of the gorgeous Fonda set in silver (see image above). Last time I visited the WKD boutique I tried on their bullet bra and, although the fit was beautiful, I wasn't sure that it looked right on me in black. This new pale satin and sheer version looked rather enticing indeed.

After a spot of browsing, and a quick chat with Katie herself, we moved from the boutique into the cozy space set aside for the workshop. It felt like a secret gathering in a glamorous friend's boudoir, which was the ideal setting for getting hair, make-up and seduction tips from the experts! First up was another Amanda, from vintage styling experts Lipstick & Curls, who was here to answer our retro hair and make-up queries. She correctly guessed that our questions would all be about creating a vintage look when you're short on time, and so we were treated to tips on speedy curling, pinning and up-dos for straight and curly hair. Suggested styles covered eras from the 1920s to 1960s and Amanda even recommended the best brushes and hairspray for the job. After some handy eyeliner hints for those of us with unsteady hands, it was time to hand over to Polly Rae for our shortcuts to party confidence.

We might not face quite as many Christmas parties as most magazines might suggest, but the trickiest of all is usually the office one. I will know more people at mine this year than last but still expect to be standing quietly in the corner with a few close colleagues, so some hints on how to ooze confidence rather than look nervous were more than welcome. Who better to offer such tips than gorgeous burlesque star Miss Polly Rae? As someone who needs to quickly connect with an audience whilst looking effortlessly glamorous and immeasurably confident, Polly has picked up many helpful shortcuts to holding people's attention without appearing to try. After a few quick pointers to help with perfect posture, and a hint or two on how to make it all look terribly natural, we were treated to a pep talk on body confidence and some seduction techniques inspired by burlesque moves. When she showed the group how to draw someone's gaze to a particular part of the body, we were all mesmerised. I'm pretty sure Polly Rae's tips will be put into action at many parties - and more intimate situations! - this festive season.

After scoffing our cupcakes and getting a cocktail refill, we returned to the boutique and rummaged through our goodie bags. Not only did we have a tester set of Besame's fabulous red lipsticks, but there was also a £10 voucher to spend in the store. As you can probably imagine, Ms Jones* and I soon found ourselves in the changing rooms surrounded by beautiful bras. Despite the fact that it was now the end of what must have been a very long day in the boutique, the level of service remained absolutely amazing. The ever-wonderful Vicky kindly fetched us different styles and helped with sizing so, despite a complete lack of pressure to buy, I just couldn't resist that Fonda bra in the end. Additionally, I've long been a fan of bikini style briefs and so was pleased to discover that WKD have some in their Striptease line that co-ordinate rather well (see above). It appears I have already spent some of the Christmas money that my mum has promised me, and December has hardly begun! Although Amanda has yet to spend her voucher, I can't see that she would have a problem with going back to browse some more. Even if the lingerie options on offer prove to be too much, a wannabe vintage glamourpuss can always use more stockings.

*You know, next time I post a review of something at What Katie Did, I think it should perhaps be a Smith & Jones collaboration!

Lingerie images via What Katie Did. Photograph of Miss Polly Rae by William Baker.

My week without Twitter

2011-12-04T20:30:00.000Z

Well, I'm nearly there. I set myself the challenge of managing to last seven days without using Twitter, and I am nearly there. At midnight I shall log back in and see if anything's changed... if anyone remembers me. To be honest, I sort of cheated in a way. Back in January, I was completely addicted to Twitter and simply had to catch up with my followers whenever I could. These days I don't use it nearly as much because I'm following around 400 people and quite often just can't see through the noise. When you're only catching up every now and again, it really does make it easier to quit. Not that I'm quitting, you understand. I fully intend to get back in the saddle this evening. I just wanted to see a) if I could do it, and b) how it would feel.

It's been an interesting and varied seven days. Throughout the week, I've been keeping a mini-diary of how I've been feeling at the times I would usually be tweeting. I was hoping that my attention span would lengthen and I would be able to read more than blogs, magazines and newspapers as a result. I was hoping that I would revert to more 'old fashioned' ways of keeping in touch. I was also a bit worried that I'd be acting like an addict going cold turkey. However, this is what happened:

Monday morning - Feeling smug and virtuous as I finally finished reading The Bloody Chamber!
Monday lunch time - Caught myself planning my "comeback tweet".
Monday evening - Was, er, somewhat distracted this evening and and forgot all about Twitter!
Tuesday morning - Read more of Chicks Dig Timelords on my commute.
Tuesday lunch time - Feeling a bit lonely and wondering what everyone's up to.
Tuesday evening - Discovered a fantastic charity shop after work and didn't feel the need to instantly tell someone about it.
Wednesday morning - Decided to email a few friends to find out how they are. It felt so very turn-of-the-century.
Wednesday lunch time - Met up with someone who mentioned a couple of things I didn't know about, because she'd posted them on Twitter.
Wednesday evening - Very productive. Far more time to do useful things when I'm home alone if I'm not getting distracted by Twitter.
Thursday morning - Fired off a few emails on the train to work. Then just stared out of the window...
Thursday lunch time - Chats with Amanda. Talking about stuff we wouldn't put on Twitter anyway.
Thursday evening - Pleasantly surprised as to who was at Southwark Playhouse to see Howl's Moving Castle as I'd not done/seen a Twitter roll call in the afternoon. Fun times! No desire to tweet.
Friday morning - Desire to tweet nil, but I'm still checking my phone for notifications, oddly.
Friday lunch time - Nope... still nothing. Didn't check my phone either.
Friday evening - Busy doing other things.
Saturday - Put up the Nightmare Before Christmas tree in the afternoon. Briefly thought about tweeting a photo of it. Figured it could wait another couple of days.
Sunday - Spent the afternoon at the What Katie Did boutique's 'Glamour & Seduction' workshop. Resisted the urge to instantly tweet about how awesome it was.

So, what will be waiting for me upon my return? Will people have missed me? Have I missed out on any campaigns, daft hashtags, or awful jokes? The really interesting thing is that I've only lost a handful of followers all week and have still been gaining new ones. I wonder if they'll all stick around once I start tweeting again. Even though I now know that my short attention span and desire to tell people everything that's going on in my life is partly the result of being on Twitter so often, something tells me that things will be back to normal the moment I reinstall that app on my phone.

Feminism Friday: The Help

2011-12-02T15:52:00.001Z

Last week I found myself at a loose end one evening. It's been so long since I last had a few hours to myself where going home was not an option, that I really didn't know what to do with myself. I asked around and none of my friends were available, so I racked my brain to think of social spaces that would be open late on a Wednesday evening. Then it hit me... why didn't I go to the cinema? I couldn't believe I'd not thought of it sooner! I'd only been to see two movies on my own ever - Shaun of the Dead, for something like the fifth time, and Control - so what was going to be the subject of my third solo outing? The obvious choices would be the types of film that my partner might not want to go and see, so My Week With Marilyn was top of my list. However, that wasn't released in the UK for another two days, so I decided to go with a movie that I had read very little about: The Help.

All I knew when I walked into the cinema and took my seat was that The Help was based on a book of true stories from African-American maids working for white Mississippi families in the 1960s. I was prepared for a depiction of a world very different from my own and I was prepared for some awful racist language but, sat with a diverse audience in east London, I was not prepared for just how shocking the first hour was going to be in that regard. I know these were only actors, but I felt horrified at some of the things these white people on the screen were saying. How on earth did people believe this sort of thing and talk that way, so openly, about other human beings? The 1960s isn't really that long ago either. It was quite uncomfortable to see the recent past so lovingly depicted visually, like so many beloved television dramas, but with the added reality shock of racist attitudes not softened for our modern sensibilities. I guess it shows just how far our society has come in those last 50 years.

I don't need to tell you about the storyline of this movie, as there are plenty of reviews that have already done that. I can't really talk about how accurate - or not - the portrayal of attitudes to race were for the time and place. What I do want to talk about though is the women in this movie. The performances were amazing and the story had me hooked from the start, but what really struck me afterwards was that all of the main characters were women. Absolutely all of them. Where most mainstream Hollywood movies have, at best, one half-decent role in them for a female actress, this film was jam-packed with them. Women of all ages too. And, even more surprisingly, the male characters were reduced to bit parts and classic disposable 'love interest'. The best part was that I actually didn't notice all this until afterwards. At no point was I smugly thinking "it's a feminist movie about women and their lives!" because it was simply a story about people. Great characters, both bad and good, depicted via moving performances - we really need more of this sort of thing on the big screen.

Fear of missing out

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000Z

Sometimes great things happen. House parties turn out to be far more awesome that you'd hoped they'd be, that cabaret show ends up being an absolute belter, and a few quiet drinks with friends somehow becomes the best night out you've had in a very long time. Years ago, this stuff happened and then you'd tell your mates over drinks the following week whilst wearing your excited face, so they'd be happy for you. These days, you live tweet what an awesome time you're having and upload the photos to Facebook the instant you get home, which leaves your friends thinking... I wish I'd been there. Fear of missing out is a very real thing and it's been made a whole lot worse by social media. Much as you want your friends to be having fun, hearing about it all the time just makes you wonder if you should have been there. Maybe I should have gone to that party? Why wasn't I invited? Why did I leave before it got good? All of these feelings crop up and then it starts making you feel a teeny bit paranoid about the social life of pretty much everyone else you know.

The reality of it is that no one is having quite as much fun as they appear to be. Well, not all the time anyway. People tell you about the parts of a party that were really awesome, but they won't tell you about the two hours that they spent talking to that one really dull person who didn't take the hint. The photos will show that everyone looked amazing and was having a great time but, chances are, they won't have uploaded all the crappy shots where everyone looked drunk and half asleep. It's so easy, when you're confronted with every tiny detail of your friends' social lives via Twitter and Facebook, to assume that absolutely everyone is having more fun than you. However, assume nothing. People will say pretty much anything to look cool.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Rubbing

2011-11-30T22:56:00.001Z

As a teenager, sex involves a lot of rubbing. Due partly to the sheer joy that someone was actually allowing you to kiss and fondle them, and partly to the fact that you were a bit unsure about what to do next, much teenage rubbing is done through clothes. As we get older, we forget the joys of frottage. The thrill of feeling someone who turns you on rubbing themselves against you in a sexual way whilst you are both still fully clothed. The anticipation of what is to come, combined with the uncertainty of exactly when that next step is going to take place. All that time spent rubbing and stroking is damn fine foreplay which can often be neglected once you are old enough and brave enough to just go for it.

Whether you are clothed or naked, alone or together, non-penetrative sex definitely has its own special brand of excitement. Unless you are completely averse to anticipation, there must be some excitement in knowing that orgasm is... pending.

Awesome Ideas: Giving up Twitter

2011-11-28T12:20:00.001Z

Yes, you read that correctly... I'm giving up Twitter for a week. Even though I've added this to my occasional "Awesome Ideas" series, I'm still not 100% sure it is. It's something of an experiment really. Can I get more done if I'm not constantly checking for new tweets on my phone? Will people still read my blog if I'm not prodding them on Twitter every time I publish a new post? Will I lose loads of followers? I suspect there will be some short-term 'damage' to my online presence with some folk starting to forget I exist after one day, and all the traffic which usually arrives at this blog via Twitter simply evaporating, but I'm hoping there will be some personal benefits to balance it all out. So far today I have already finished a book of short stories that I've been carrying around for months, cleared a large portion of my inbox and my attention span seems to be lengthening a tiny bit. My head feels clearer, now that it's free from all that excess noise.

Who knows what will happen over the rest of this week. Maybe I'll finish Grace Dent's book and find out if she really does leave Twitter (I suspect not as she was still there last time I looked!). Perhaps I'll find a new use for my smartphone's data connection? I think I should attempt to write a 'To Do' list for the week and see how much I manage to tick off by Sunday. Whatever happens, updates on my progress will follow. Here, rather than on Twitter, of course. In the meantime, if you are on Twitter yourself and enjoy anything that you read on Rarely Wears Lipstick this week, I don't suppose you'd tweet a link to it for me would you? Oh dear... perhaps that's the withdrawal symptoms starting already!

Feminism Friday: How to spot a feminist

2011-11-25T00:00:00.000Z

What do feminists look like? You never know when you might need to spot one, so I thought I'd put together a handy guide to assist with recognition. We can be any gender, race, shape or size but never forget one very important thing: Feminists always dress in a practical way. A feminist's heels are never too high. A feminist's trousers are never too tight. A feminist is prepared to put up shelves, run for the bus, train an attack dog, defuse a bomb or start a protest march at any moment, so impractical clothing must never be worn. I repeat: NEVER! Also, feminists want everyone to be super-duper equal so they all wear gender-neutral clothing. That person wearing a skirt is NOT A FEMINIST. Do not be fooled by talk of pay gaps, rape culture and moving to Iceland because it's a 'feminist paradise'. A real feminist would show dedication to the cause merely by donning some sturdy footwear and an old pair of jeans.

These are the rules. Apparently.

Photo of me, dressed as a proper real-life feminist, by Matt Christie.

Rummaging in the basement

2011-11-24T00:00:00.000Z

My office is close to Oxford Circus and so sometimes the lure is just too great. I know that, thanks to Philip Green, Topshop is now seen as a bit of a beacon of corporate evil, but in my teenage years that store was the reason we came to London. I spent many a happy Saturday getting the train to Marylebone with friends, then the tube to Oxford Circus and not leaving Topshop until we'd spent all our money. The excitement is still there when I walk in the door and my gaze is drawn by the designer-inspired clothing and wonderfully creative interpretation of the latest trends. The day I fail to find anything I like in Topshop will be a very sad day indeed.

The best bit about it these days is often the basement. With shoes, boutique brands, vintage clothing and even food, it's an entire lunch time shopping trip in one place! I keep noticing interesting new brands all the time when I pop in, and there's a fair few who have been stocked there for years too. Yesterday I spotted an eye catching bodycon dress from tfnc, a cute frock from Love Struck with cats on it, interesting collars on garments from Sister Jane, a beautiful postage stamp print dress from Isy & Peeps, and an amazing embroidered floral skull jumper from Illustrated People. And that was before I'd had a rummage through the Peekaboo Vintage items, tried to tear myself away from the Vivienne Westwood for Melissa pom pom shoes, and then had a wander through KG, Carvella, Bertie, Dune and Office! After all that, I needed to find food fast, so I headed to the instore EAT and watched some rather uncomfortable looking parents sip coffee whilst they waited for their teenagers to spend.

Next time you're near Oxford Street and have a yearning for some smaller brands and very little walking, I suggest you head straight for the lowest floor in Topshop. Sadly it's not always a bargain basement, but they do occasionally have a sale on.

Image from isyandpeeps.com.

On open relationships...

2011-11-23T00:00:00.000Z

If you say that you are in an open relationship, the chances of being misunderstood are quite high. Some folk think you're cheating, are being forced into doing something you don't want by a more lascivious partner, or are doing it simply to fix a broken relationship. Sometimes those things can be true, but the majority of people who would actively choose to label themselves as being in some form of open relationship are not actually being dishonest, coerced, or simply kidding themselves. Most of us who are in open relationships firmly believe that you cannot expect one single person to be your everything, and some even think that it is possible to fully and completely love more than one person at a time.

It's a tricky concept for many people to grasp, but I often wonder why that is. After all, people are unfaithful all the time. Even if you've never felt the urge yourself, chances are that you either know someone who has cheated or you have read the details of any of any number of "love rats" in a newspaper or magazine. For many people, monogamy is really quite hard indeed. They get tempted by others, but they still claim to love their partner... and they probably do. Just because you and your partner like different things in certain areas of your lives, doesn't mean you don't still love each other. Of course jealousy crops up, but the thing about the majority of open relationships is they are honest about this. Hurdles can nearly always be overcome if you are willing to talk about your problems.

No single method of organising romantic and sexual relationships is more correct than another. Well, certainly not to anyone other than the people involved!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Quirky

2011-11-22T00:00:00.000Z

Everyone has their own quirks. Their own particular ways of doing something. From casual to obsessive, spontaneous to organised, our habits quite often define us. Once we've found a specific way of doing something that we like, it's fun to explore it further and find other people who agree with our way of thinking. This applies to anything... even sex. Quirky, or kinky, sex is sometimes dismissed as dirty and immoral, yet it often fulfills the same basic human needs as kissing or hugging. Many people have already tried a spot of light bondage or spanking in the bedroom without considering themselves to be at all kinky, simply because it can be a lot of fun. If you haven't tried it out yet, but think you might quite like to, the first step is to talk to your partner. Then perhaps try a workshop or a DVD to introduce you to the basics. Take it slowly, talk things through, and choose your equipment and sources of information wisely. Sometimes a little bit of something quirky can be just what you need.

Image via Demipoulpe's Flickr photostream.

Writing Sex Right

2011-11-21T14:08:00.001Z

One of the many things I enjoy in life is talking about sex. Whether the subject is how to do it, what turns you on, who you do it with, or who you tell, talking about sex with the right crowd of people can be fascinating. Writing about sex is fantastic too. Blogging about sexual health, real-life stories, sex tips or writing erotic fiction... it's all rather fascinating and extremely educational. So, when you get an open-minded non-judgemental group of people together to discuss sex and all the ways they write about it, things get really interesting. So, you can imagine my delight when I was invited to be on a discussion panel (or two) at the UK’s very first sex blogger and erotica writer’s conference, Eroticon 2012!

The conference, which is taking place on Saturday 3rd March in Bristol, will be helping experienced and aspiring writers to "write sex right" with discussions and workshops. The schedule is packed with inspirational sessions and speakers, including writing workshops, tech sessions plus discussion panels on subjects such as getting published, identity and ethics, and sex in the media. The conference is the brain-child of erotica author Ruby Kiddell, who felt there was a need for a safe and inspiring event where sex bloggers and erotica writers could meet, learn and discuss. Speakers and sessions confirmed so far include:

Maxim Jakubowski : Writing workshop, Publishers’ panel
Zoe Margolis : Identity, ethics and blogging panel, Sex and the media panel
Hazel Cushion of Xcite books : Publishers’ panel
Lucy Felthouse : Marketing your work, publishers’ panel
John Tisbury : Photography workshop

I am lined up for two discussion panels - Identity, ethics and blogging, plus Sex and the media - which promise to touch on some very interesting issues. However, I am also looking forward to checking out some of the other sessions as I feel there may be a budding erotica writer hidden inside me somewhere! Whether you are a published author, or want to see if you can earn money from your saucy stories, whether you have an established sex blog or are simply thinking of starting one up... Eroticon has much that will be of interest to you. There will even be a cocktail party at the end of the conference which promises seductive readings from some of the UK’s most exciting emerging writers. I suggest you book your tickets now. Something tells me the hotel rooms of Bristol will be a rather fun place to be on the night of 3rd March 2012!

Versace for H&M

2011-11-17T16:08:00.001Z

I stepped out of Oxford Circus tube station this morning to find myself transported into the past, to some time circa 1992. The windows of H&M were awash with neon colours, garish prints and studded leather jackets. I half-expected to see Christy, Linda, Cindy and Naomi look-a-likes strutting down the street towards me, lip-syncing to George Michael's Freedom. Sadly, I hadn't exited a Tube Train Time Machine. Once I saw the massive queue of people still waiting to get into the store, and the smug folk sat next to their giant garish shopping bags while ordering food in Garfunkel's next door, I realised that it was in fact the launch of the H&M Versace collection.

Since I saw the posters go up for this, I have been wondering if people would actually buy this stuff to wear, or simply 'invest' so they could boast to their friends and flog it on eBay later. But then I saw a young fashion student inadvertently pull off the perfect Zoolander impression whilst putting on his newly acquired H&M Versace jacket in the street at lunch time. I just don't get the appeal. I thought this was me being clueless about fashion. I thought this was me completely failing to understand trends and the benefits of designer/high street collaborations. However, I think it's much more about me being old enough to have seen all these Versace designs the first time round (albeit only on the pages of fashion magazines). If you are old enough to say "that looks familiar" about a current trend, it's never going to be all that exciting.

Mind you, as Alexandra Roumbas Goldstein pointed out on my Facebook wall when I whined about the collection being garish, Versace is like that every year.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Positions

2011-11-15T15:50:00.001Z

There are so many sexual positions. Gotta try them all, right? WRONG! Positions are something that just happens, not something to be checked off on a list. If it looks uncomfortable, it probably is so... don't bother, unless you're a show off! There are a few basics that everyone needs to try out, but the rest are all variations on a theme. Man-on-top can be varied by the position of the woman's legs, woman-on-top can have similar amendments (and rotations), and doggy-style becomes a 'spoony' side-by-side if you both keel over due to near exhaustion. Even the standing positions are pretty much variations on what you can do while lying or seated. We should be trying things because we want to know if they feel nice, not because we think we ought to.

By the way, to clarify... although I have used heteronormative descriptions of positions which include the words 'man' and 'woman', I'm relying on you to use a bit of creativity in your interpretation. After all, not everyone's straight. And sex is at it's best when it's a whole lot of fun.

How to be a redhead

2011-11-14T17:23:00.001Z

I've been dying my hair for quite some time now. As a young teenager, I tried many things - including temporary colors, henna-based dyes and even the dreaded Sun-In! - because I knew that I wanted something other than the mousey mane which nature had landed me with. From the age of 18, however, you couldn't get me away from those DIY packets of permanent dye on sale in my local Boots and I spent a good few years trying a large number of different brands and colours. I was a cheap and cheerful Nice 'n' Easy blonde for a few years, failed dismally at becoming a ginger, then went back to blonde and tried some classier brands like L'Oréal's Recital Preference for a while. Finally, when I reached my 30th year, I tried a bright L'Oréal Feria red on top of my blonde locks, and was utterly sold. I then spent the next few years searching for the perfect red hair dye.

A couple of years ago, I found it - Schwarzkopf LIVE Color XXL Hypnotic Red is perfect for me. Garnier Nutrisse reds just weren't bright enough and all the Recital Preference shades I liked were too dark and 'purply' for my skin tone. I worked my way through a few of the LIVE Color XXL red shades to find my perfect one and discovered that, where Feria faded spectacularly fast, the Schwarzkopf dyes stay vibrant for weeks. I always get complimented on my colour and my hair remains shiny, even after years of potent chemical abuse! What better advert for their products? The only thing I don't like is the rubbish gloves they come with, so I always buy my own.

Last time I went to buy my usual hair colour, I noticed that there is a new product in the range. Schwarzkopf LIVE Color XXL Shake It Up Colour Foam is apparently super-easy to use and non-drip, which is very good news for colour addicts like me. No matter how much practice I've had, trying to keep the bathroom splatter free with darker dyes is still a challenge! I have to say though, the most tempting thing about this product is the "fruity strawberry scent" that it apparently has. No matter how much I love dying my hair, the permanent ones hardly ever smell bearable by the end of the 30 minutes. Sadly, despite the tempting food-related names, they don't have a colour that would lure me away from my usual Schwarzkopf dye, but perhaps there's one for you? Do let me know if you try it out.

Photography by Carlo and Fabiana Nicora at London Boudoir Photography.

Sustainable fashion

2011-11-13T16:32:00.001Z

I've always had a reasonably sustainable attitude towards fashion. Not because of a selfless desire to protect the world's resources, but more because, well... it's fun. As a child, I was introduced to the concept of second-hand clothes via 'hand-me-down' garments. As the older sister I didn't receive many, but the thrill of seeing a much-loved item of clothing again on the daughter of my mum's best friend, and then again years later on my little sister, was enough to sell me on the concept. Even though I'd grown out of something, it didn't have to become un-loved. The joy of that pretty summer dress could live on with someone else, and the memories of the fun times I'd had while wearing it would come flooding back when I saw someone jumping around in the same frock.

My secondary school had a uniform that was very specific and rather hard-wearing and so many items, including much of my sports kit, was purchased from the parents of pupils who had outgrown it. In my teenage years, someone in my extended family would give me bags of clothes that her sister no longer wanted to see if there was anything in them that I liked. While at art college, I would visit flea markets and charity shops to find clothing for costumes and everyday wear, sometimes finding a crossover between the two. I would often customise items and often wear them to death, or until they found themselves back in a charity shop.

I had no idea that what I was doing was an extremely good use of resources. It never occurred to me that, by choosing to save a pre-owned garment from landfill rather than purchase something new, I was making a difference to anything other than my own wardrobe. It wasn't a style statement, or a display of my ethics and beliefs, just a love of interesting clothing. Since I started buying clothing for myself with my own money as a teenager in the late 80s and early 90s, I noticed that much of what is available on the high street hasn't been made with quite the same care and attention as older clothes. It may have been the lower price of second-hand clothing that drew me to it initially, but it was the beauty of the handmade garments and sturdy items from the 60s and 70s that kept me coming back after mainstream fashion became cheaper.

Although I enjoy cultivating an individual look, I don't seek out what is now called vintage clothing specifically because it looks different. I enjoy buying new garments from high street retailers too. I guess I've always loved the clothes themselves more than passing fashions. I love how garments are designed and made, the fabrics, the finishing. I enjoy owning beautiful things that I can wear, and I just don't understand how spending a fiver on an item from Primark can feel the same way. Even before you start to wonder how on earth they can make clothing that cheaply.

Perhaps we are starting to veer away from fast fashion again, now that the thrill of the budget retailers' offerings has started to wane and consumers are becoming more concerned about where their clothes come from. Ethical brands are becoming more style conscious and designers are looking to use recycled materials more and more in their garments, which opens peoples minds to what is possible in fashion. Vintage clothing has become incredibly desirable in recent years and, despite all the frustration that comes with people trying to cash in by describing anything and everything they sell as vintage, showing consumers the fun that can be had from pre-loved clothing might just have a longer-lasting effect.

I will be part of the fashion panel at SHINE this Friday. SHINE is the UK’s leading unconventional conference (or unconference) for socially-minded entrepreneurs.

Feminism Friday: Who am I?

2011-11-11T11:37:00.001Z

I am Schwarzkopf LIVE Color XXL Hypnotic Red.
I am Olay Complete Care Moisturising Fluid.
I am L'Oréal True Match pressed powder.
I am Clinique Lash Power Mascara.
I am Boots No7 eyebrow pencil.
I am a vintage dress and United Nude shoes.
I am a Tatty Devine GIN necklace.
I am really ridiculously good looking.

But... I am so much more than that.

I am kind.
I am caring.
I am creative.
I am sexual.
I am a feminist.
I am a friend, a sister, a lover.
I am an introvert who pretends to be an extrovert.
I am always seeking knowledge.
I am a slow reader.
I am a writer.
I am proud to be a woman.
But I am also a person... like you.

Taking sex ed to the next level

2011-11-10T13:50:00.000Z

Pretty much all of us had some form of sex education at school. All I can remember from my early years was the "when a man and a woman love each other very much..." talk, followed by a video of childbirth for the girls in the class. Then, later on in my school life, I recall a biology teacher handing round examples of different types of contraception so we could see what each looked like while she described what they did. I don't really remember much about the lessons themselves but it was all geared towards making us rather cautious about this whole sex thing. Luckily for them, I put off starting the full-on practical part of my education until I was 18 and so had plenty of time to brush up on the specific details of the theory in my own time. I was a fast learner and so, if there'd been a test, I reckon I would have passed it in no time.

Thing is, that's where most people leave it. You do a bit of theory at the start and then the rest is learned on-the-job, as it were. What happens if you want to get better at it? What happens if you encounter problems? Other than contacting an agony aunt about a specific issue you have, or wading through Google search results trying to find something relevant and accurate, where can you go for more information on sex? Well, if you're in London, I'd suggest a good place to start is the erotic classes at Sh! They are small friendly sessions which cover a variety of different topics - female orgasms, finding your g-spot, better blow-jobs, anal pleasure, strap-on sex and even spanking - and they take place downstairs in the Hoxton Square store. Further education is rarely this much fun.

The other week, I went along to a class on orgasms, run by the lovely Joanna. We were welcomed with a glass of pink fizz and were soon being given a tour of the important (for orgasm) elements of our lady parts with the help of diagrams from 3Dvulva.com and a rather tactile vulva puppet. Then Joanna suggested ways of getting started to bring yourself to orgasm using fingers and lube (which I remembered from the last time I attended a Sh! class was her recommended item). Of course, manual stimulation alone isn't always enough and so our attention was soon turned to some of the toys sold by Sh! that had been selected as relevant to this class. Joanna recommended putting a condom onto bullet vibrators for easy retrieval without damaging them, and also suggested that those new to using a vibe might find it useful to use them round the vulva or on the sides of their clit, as direct stimulation can sometimes be a bit much. After we all marvelled at the amazing SaSi with its customisable settings and the incredibly powerful Esprit D'Amour, our glasses were topped up ready for 'the science part'.

Once we were all aware of what happens where and how, the conversation inevitably got around to how to have 'better' orgasms, which was when Joanna introduced us to a few of the types of vaginal 'love' balls that are sold by Sh! These are useful to provide resistance when doing your kegel exercises and certain types are comfortable to wear all day. However, it was mentioned by some of the women in the class that they can provide rather too much stimulation when sat near the engine on a bus! Handy advice indeed. In fact, many of the casual discussions we had and stories that we shared were both fascinating and useful. One of the great things about the Sh! classes is that they keep the numbers small, and the pink fizz flowing, so it never feels awkward to ask questions or discuss things further. We all left the store having learned at least one new thing and, thanks to our £5 vouchers and a little bit of shopping time, some of us went home with a little bit of something fun too.

If you are in any way curious about improving your knowledge of certain aspects of sex, or even if you just like talking to other women to find out if you are alone in how you feel or what does it for you, I would definitely recommend going along to one of the classes at Sh! It was a great start to a fun night, as I'm sure it was for many of the ladies there!

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Orientation

2011-11-08T00:00:00.000Z

Yesterday, I got a bit stuck with my A-to-Z of Sex. I tried to think about what to use for O, but the only words I could think of were the extremely obvious Oral and Orgasm. Either of those would be at home in an A-to-Z in any mainstream magazine - I really had to think of something better, but my brain was failing me. So I did what I always do in these situations, and I asked my followers on Twitter.

@CupCate started off a flurry of responses with the wonderful suggestion of Orifice, and then @davidwhittam expanded my vocabulary with the beautiful word Onanism. Then there was Optimism, Origami, OMG (managing other people's reactions!), Open, Osteopathy, Orgies, Outdoors, Openings, Old age, Organised and the rather surgical suggestion of Orchidechtomy from @VICEUK! I did love @Jonn0Jonzz's suggestion of Ocular or Oration, which would have fitted beautifully with how I started this A-to-Z, with Aural. The idea of writing a post on erotic visual stimuli, such as pornography or voyeurism, was really rather tempting but I think I'll save that for V. However, it was @KinkedSkin who blew me away with a suggestion so perfect that I cannot believe I didn't think of it myself: Orientation.

Sexual orientation can be a very defining thing, but it can also be unintentionally rather limiting. Many people work out who they are attracted to and then try to find a label they like which fits. Even though labels can be used by others to narrow-mindedly put people into boxes, they are also a handy shortcut to explain something to people which might otherwise require far more words. If you're always attracted to people of a different gender to you, then the label heterosexual (or straight) might be for you. If you're always attracted to people of the same gender as you, then homosexual (gay or lesbian) can provide a quick and decent explanation. In between the two? How about bisexual? There are many more labels that have been developed by people who feel that these three do not adequately describe their own orientation - e.g. queer, pansexual, heteroflexible, homoflexible - and many arguments regarding the precise definition of each, including bisexual.

The thing we need to remember is that many people's orientation is fluid, so putting them in a box and leaving them there is probably not going to work. Knowing who you are and who you're attracted to is the most important thing but, depending on which circles you move in, do be prepared to explain yourself once in a while. Just try not to get angry with people who don't understand, or who don't conform to your own ideas. After all... everyone's different. Would you really want to live in a world where everyone was the same?

Image via Andrew Pescod's Flickr photostream.

Lingerie By Caprice

2011-11-07T12:24:00.001Z

Blogging is still very much a hobby for me, and so it's always exciting when I get an email from someone I've never met telling me that they love Rarely Wears Lipstick. It's even more exciting when the email is from someone offering me free stuff. OK, so you might think that an email saying my blog is great whilst also offering up a free sample might not be 100% genuine with the praise, but I can safely say I have received enough generic PR/marketing emails to be able to spot one that has a more personal touch. Not only was I flattered that a search for lingerie blogs would have turned up my site, the email I received from Caroline at lingerie brand By Caprice was actually friendly and personalised. Would I like to write about their lingerie? Most definitely! I'm always up for finding another brand that sells pretty and affordable underwear, so I found a style I liked, emailed them my size and waited. It wasn't long before a parcel wrapped in ribbon arrived on my desk containing the lovely Lilylou bra and briefs in black with red embroidery.

By Caprice was founded by model Caprice Bourret in 2006 in order to create beautiful designs at affordable prices. The brand is currently undergoing an expansion, with companies such as ASOS, Next, Littlewoods and Debenhams stocking By Caprice lingerie. They have also recently launched with New Look, and will be the only underwear brand on their site. Caroline said in her email to me, "we hope the quality of our designs and garments speak for themselves!" and I have to admit that she's right. I've looked closely at a lot of bras available on the high street and have been surprised at home many brands use plain straps, bland detailing and lumpy lace on what is clearly supposed to be more than an everyday garment. Having a few frills on something doesn't make it special, but attention to detail does. The straps on my new Lilylou bra have pretty red details, the bow is large yet inoffensive and the lace is smooth enough to not show through all but the clingiest of dresses. This was actually quite surprising from something so affordable.

Although I was surprised by how full the cup was on this bra - there is a lot more cleavage on show when Caprice wears it, compared to me! - the fit was very good indeed, making it a fantastic option for a beautiful everyday bra. My only issue with the set was that the briefs don't offer quite enough bottom coverage for my size 14 rear, so I'm not entirely sure they would be comfortable for a full day in the office. A rear-view image on the website would help when working out how the briefs are cut, but the shape might be fine for those of you with a smaller backside. Speaking of size, one of the great things about By Caprice is that the bras go up to a G-cup. I have written about lingerie many times and received comments from many women saying that the brands I've mentioned just don't come in their size, so it's nice to know that some companies who are able to offer larger sizes also realise there is definitely a market for something bigger than a D.

The thing I liked most about this brand was that Caprice said she wanted to inspire other woman to feel as fabulous, positive and sexy in their lingerie as she does. As someone who understands that beautiful lingerie is a confidence boost for the wearer rather than being solely about titillating your partner, I really appreciate the sentiment. Both the items I was sent came with a tag that said, "I hope you enjoy this little indulgence, carefully crafted to make you look and feel even more special. Love Caprice". Her lads' mag modelling roots may show in the photographs for the range, but Caprice's lingerie really does offer more than just sex appeal.

Feminism Friday: Cabaret opera?

2011-11-04T14:00:00.000Z

I don't really know much about opera. I know that I love the sound of a good operatic vocal, and I have enjoyed a number of performances of and inspired by opera. On Monday evening I attended a concert called Disturbia, at the Queen Elizabeth Hall on the Southbank. The first piece performed by the BBC Concert Orchestra that evening was Francis Poulenc's one-act opera La voix humaine sung by soprano Ilona Domnich. This must have been quite a challenge for the singer, as the emotionally unstable character of the piece is speaking to her ex-lover on the telephone and so is both acting and also singing in uncomfortable positions. To begin with, the strange concept of half a telephone conversation being sung in English was rather a lot to adjust to but, by the end, I was completely gripped by Domnich's performance. It was like film noir... something I never thought opera could be.

Now something else has cropped up, which will hopefully expand my knowledge of opera a little further. Something rather feminist, in fact! Ah! Forget My Fate! is a brief history of women in opera, and promises to be part chamber opera and part cabaret. It offers "a pithy and poignant overview of the duplicity, the daring, and the many deaths of women throughout the operatic tradition" which sounds like a marvellous place to properly commence my opera education. There are two late performance of this piece - on Wednesday 16th and Friday 25th November - and I shall be heading there for a spot of midweek musical feminism soon. Hope to see you there too.

Image via Ilona Domnich's website.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: None

2011-11-02T00:03:00.007Z

Seeing as this week has inadvertently become more about clothes than sex - a nice contrast to last week! - it makes perfect sense for the N in my A-to-Z to be for None. Nothing. No sex at all. What if you're not getting any? Well, guess what? It's not necessarily a bad thing. As I wrote for BitchBuzz earlier this year, there are many reasons people go without sex, and some of them are voluntary. Perhaps you've decided to wait until you're in a relationship, have chosen abstinence, have health problems, or are in a long-term relationship where relaxing cuddles seem like a far more pressing issue. Whatever the reason, if you've chosen to not have as much sex as society and the media say you should be having, there is no reason to feel inadequate. Are you getting enough? Surely only you can answer that.

The problem arises when you don't want to be going without sex. When you're not getting any and, everywhere you turn, all you can see is reminders of how much fucking everyone else is (apparently) doing. When all you can think about is your lack of a partner or that elusive orgasm. That's when a glass of wine and a good book can be a helpful distraction, and joining a gym can refocus your brain somewhere else. Or you can just give in to the urge and sort things out yourself, but then... using your hands and toys to get yourself off isn't really 'no sex at all' now, is it?

Image from Sharon Drummond's Flickr photostream.

Festive Fever

2011-11-01T00:02:00.015Z

As the festive party season approaches... I know, I know... I'm sorry. It seems as though the moment Halloween is out of the way, everyone says it. Every women's magazine and website, anyway. Once we hit December it's apparently 'party time', so we all need to buy some pretty things to wear in order to look gorgeous while we get drunk with our friends and colleagues. But how many parties do we really go to at this time of year? Is it actually any more than usual? Well, even if it's not, an excuse to at the very least browse a selection of gorgeous dresses is not something I would personally ignore. There is definitely a psychological boost to seeing so many strong colours and sparkles in the windows of clothes shops at this time of year. When the winter weather is as grey and damp as it often is in the UK, we need all the help we can get to cheer up. I'll take party frocks over the ridiculously early switch-on of Christmas lights any day!

Although the high street is always filled with lovely occasion dresses as we head deeper into winter, you can never be sure that you won't bump into someone else wearing that exact same outfit at one of your parties. Much as I shouldn't really care, like many people, I do prefer to be a little bit unique and so it's nice to do your shopping somewhere different to the masses. Well, this is where Fever Designs always comes to my mind. Eye-catching vintage-inspired clothing at a reasonable price is enough on its own, but just look at their Christmas collection! The Austen pencil dress, the Christie one-sleeve dress (also available with straps), the Cinderella party dress and the Arvila gown are all available in stunning jewel-bright colours. What better way to satisfy a need to be fashionable yet also stand out from the crowd?

In addition, the lovely people at Fever have offered readers of Rarely Wears Lipstick a 10% discount during November. Just enter the code LIPSTICK at the checkout when you make your purchase via the Fever website. The offer's valid until 30th November 2011, so that's plenty of time to browse their range and perhaps get yourself some cozy knitwear or a new coat for that pesky British winter weather too.

Stop Traffic Clothing

2011-10-31T00:01:00.011Z

I can't remember when I first found out about Stop Traffic Clothing, but the first time I really fell for their gorgeous range of retro clothes was at Coquette at Kettner's earlier this year. Seeing a selection of the Bettie Page, Stop Staring and Miss Fortune dresses and getting lots of help from their lovely staff meant that, before long, I'd made a purchase. That cute little sailor dress turned a lot of heads this summer! However, my wish list of other gorgeous items on their site just got longer, as they have a few new arrivals, including more vintage-inspired super slinky dresses by US brand Stop Staring. The photo is of my favourite dress from their selection - the Blondie dress in black. I've only just started to believe that Caitlin Moran was right when she said that leopard-print is a neutral, and now I just can't take my eyes off this gorgeous frock.

The reason Stop Traffic Clothing popped back onto my radar is I found out they're launching a competition with The Powder Room that has a rather fantastic prize. It launches tomorrow (1st November), will run for two months and is appropriately entitled 'Begin the New Year in Style'. The prize includes a signed copy of Katie Reynold's new book Style Me Vintage: Make-up, a vintage make-over at The Powder Room in Soho and £150 to spend online at Stop Traffic Clothing. That's enough to splash out on the 40s-inspired Newport dress! To enter, just email your full name and telephone number to sales@stoptrafficclothing.com. The competition ends on 31st December 2011 and the winner will be chosen at random on 2nd January 2012. (The prize is non transferable.) Do let me know if you win, as I'd love to see a photo of your glamorous new look for 2012.

Competition time: Goodie bag winner

2011-10-29T13:01:00.005+01:00

Thanks very much to everyone who entered this week's competition to win a Sh! goodie bag. Once more, I recruited the perfect judge to look through your entries. Chantal Younis is a big fan of Sh! stores, was the driving force behind the oh-so-naughty charity event Barelesque and is a west London lady, so who better to look at who you'd like to visit Sh! Portobello with? I should have asked who she'd like to visit the store with!

The winner is Abby Chicken. She told me that, "I would take myself - because I am fucking worth it (or so my therapist tells me)! Failing that, I would take Houdini, and show him how a real woman ties knots". I don't know which part appealed most to our judge, but I have to say that both made me smile. Clair gets a special mention too as taking a vanilla partner along to introduce them to new things is a great way to think about Sh! Thanks again to everyone who entered. I hope to bump into you at one of the Sh! stores sometime soon.

Feminism Friday: Body image workshop?

2011-10-28T17:07:00.007+01:00

As an end to my week of body-related posts, I thought I'd mention a rough idea that's been knocking around in my head recently. I know many women who are comfortable with the way they look, and many others have an issue with their body. What if one group could help the other? I am considering creating a workshop to try and help women who need some body confidence... but am also wondering if I am perhaps oversimplifying a rather thorny issue.

My basic concept as it stands right now would involve a cozy and private location, friendly introductions, a group discussion on the issues everyone feels they are facing, some trying on of clothes (to analyse how they fit and also the suitability of styles), a discussion about how size is just a number, and something at the end to help steer everyone in a new direction. Baring as much as you dare might work - whichever body part bothers you most or even down to your undies - if the group is working well together, or perhaps simply some compliment giving. I hated my knees until Mademoiselle Robot pointed out to me that everyone's knees look like that! Sometimes small things can make a difference.

Is this something worth trying, or is it perhaps best left to the experts?

Review: Barelesque

2011-10-27T00:12:00.043+01:00

On Wednesday 12th October, the Royal Vauxhall Tavern played host to a raucous bunch of ladies who, along with their friends, were hoping to raise lots of money for LGBT homeless charity the Albert Kennedy Trust. As I mentioned last month, I was delighted to be chosen as one of those girls by the main organiser, Chantal Younis. I so rocked up to the venue mid-afternoon in order to take part in the rehearsals for the second part of the show... the lingerie auction. Upstairs at the RVT was a blur of lace, satin, corsets and naked flesh as the performers and models jostled for space, so I grabbed the Playful Promises bra that my burlesque alter-ego Miss Lolly Pops had been allocated and then headed back downstairs to find the stage manager, Sarah Cook.

The line up of performers was very impressive. Burlesque bad girl Honey Schnapps started the evening as a gentleman who transforms into a whirling she-devil, and then we just kept on whirling! Opera diva Michelle Crozier stunned us all with a rather dominant Carmen, and British Heart invited quite a lot of audience participation for his cheeky burlesque performance. Ernesto Sarezale charmed us all with some divine naked poetry, and that was after Alison Brumfitt had used poetry and some melted chocolate to tell us why she thinks sex is far far better than anything made by Cadbury. Yes, nudity and smut was very much on the menu for the evening so the two saucy performances from Rubyyy Jones fitted right in. Not only did we get to see her Erotic Award nominated act "I Wanna B", but she also debuted a fantastic new piece in front of the Barelesque audience. Burlesque based on Skype sex in skinny jeans? Inspired!

After all of the wonderful performances, a super-quick sale of Rubyyy Jones' delicious cuntcakes, and a bit of a clean up that was needed after Ms Brumfitt and British Heart's rather messy acts, it was time for our host - the outrageous Mat Fraser - to get the crowd ready to part with even more of their money. It was time for the lingerie auction! There were ten models for this part of the show, each taking the characters of one of the infamous Seven Deadly Sins or the three virtues: Faith, Hope and Charity. I opened this part of the show with Miss Lolly Pops' interpretation of Hope - a cheerful jaunt through the audience to the stage, offering sweeties as I went. Once I was standing in my undies under the bright lights Mat started the bidding and, before long, I was leaving the stage bra-less but having done my bit for charity. I hope the barman wasn't too sad to have lost out in the bidding war!

I was followed by a super-sleepy Sloth in Sh! pants, Avarice and Greed in more Playful Promises skimpies (not always worn in the most conventional way!), Envy in Kiss Me Deadly knickers, Charity who wanted to give away "All of Me", and Wrath who frightened the hell out of everyone in an electric blue Vollers corset from Sh! plus a rather impressive and x-rated 'accessory'. Every woman left the stage rather more naked than she started and, much to the delight of the representatives of the charity, every item that was auctioned off seemed to raise more and more money.

In the final part of the auction, MC Sexpest told everyone "you can't touch this" and had a bit of help from Honey Schnapps to illustrate this point. Mat Fraser went the extra mile to help sell the goodies that this particular sin was wearing so big thanks to him for that one. Just when we thought that none of us had any energy or money left, the final two models helped to get us excited all over again. Everyone reached out and touched a rather delectable Faith as she was carried to the stage to the sound of Marilyn Manson, and then we were seduced by the delicious Chantal as everyone's favourite sin, Lust. An amazing night was had by all and we definitely left with lighter wallets and purses than when we went in because a total of £2,476.18 was raised by Barelesque for the Albert Kennedy Trust! There's going to be another in six months time. Hope to see you there!

These images from Barelesque of Alison Brumfitt, Rubyyy Jones, British Heart, Miss Lolly Pops and Ana Morphic were taken by Echo Moss.

Exploring with Sacred Pleasures

2011-10-26T00:01:00.019+01:00

There are many aspects to sex that the majority of people are unaware of and so never fully explore. Because society has taught us that sex is "naughty", many people fail to look further than intercourse with a few positions and a couple of toys and, while this works fine for many, for some people it's not quite enough. Some folk feel that sex means something more to them and so want to look further than the mainstream. If this sounds like you, how do you go about exploring new things? There are some practices - e.g tantra, BDSM - which can add to your knowledge of your own sexuality and help you derive more pleasure from it. If you are unsure where to start learning, let me introduce you to Sacred Pleasures which is a sex-positive space for personal growth in London, helping people explore their sexuality via events and taught workshops.

Coming up next month is something of a crash course, offering attendees a little taster of lots of things covered by Sacred Pleasures. Pleasure Portals takes place in Whitechapel on Wednesday evenings in November (2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd) and offers you a chance to "add some extra juice to your fantastic sex life". If you've ever wondered what tantra's all about, or have fancied weaving some BDSM into your erotic play, Rebecca Lowrie, London Faerie and Claire Black will use these four fun-filled evenings to introduce you to the main aspects of conscious sexuality. Each evening is designed to give you a safe taste of something new in the hope of deepening and expanding your sexual potential.

Another offering for beginners is Pleasure Parlour No. 5 "Arousing Words" which takes place in east London on Sunday 20th November, 2.30pm to 8pm. If you've ever fancied writing erotica and don't know where to start, this workshop could be for you. As the Sacred Pleasures website points out, "seductive stories have a way of stirring up our deepest desires and passions" so writing really could be a way of finding out more about yourself and enhancing your sex life. This event will be hosted by Rebecca Lowrie and London Faerie, with published erotica author Scarlett French helping you to write your own titillating tales, elegant erotica or sensual smut. I shall be attending this workshop and hope to create something that I can perhaps share on this blog. Maybe I'll see some of you there?

Images via Sacred Pleasures.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Manual

2011-10-25T00:06:00.007+01:00

M is for manual... and I'm not talking about an instruction book. Manual stimulation is considered by some to be a solo act and so is often overlooked as part of sex with a partner. Whether it's for foreplay or penetration, hands can take us to a whole new level. Use your fingers to explore how your partner feels and responds to your touch, changing your strokes from soft to firm and back again. You can be playful or sensual using tickles, scratches, tenderness and spanks to excite and tease. Hands can administer pain or pleasure all by themselves. They can slap, pinch, stroke or rub. Chose any part of your partner's body to focus your attentions - don't just stick to obvious erogenous zones - and don't be afraid to move around a bit. Use your imagination rather than a checklist. After all, changing gear is much more fun than driving an automatic.

Image via Tim Snell's Flickr photostream.

Competition time: It's oh so quiet... Sh!

2011-10-24T00:01:00.023+01:00

Ladies of London! Have you heard about the Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium yet? If not, where the devil have you been hiding? In the days before the opening of this delightful den dedicated to female sexual pleasure, adult shops were either men only affairs (dark, seedy and full of nasty graphic gadgets and magazines), or cheap 'n' cheerful with tacky hen-party stock. Sh! was the first boutique-style erotic shop in the country and remains the only one that is 100% female owned and run. Bringing pleasure to the women of east London since 1992, Sh! spread its wings and opened a second branch on Portobello Road in the summer of 2010. So, if you live in west London, there's really no excuse not to pay them a visit.

Sh! was founded with the aim of offering women and couples a welcoming safe place in which to buy quality erotic products. They provide receive good honest advice along with top service and a cuppa whilst you browse. To ensure the female-friendly environment for which they are well known, men are asked to visit accompanied by a woman or during "Gents Nite", which is held every Tuesday evening in both stores. Sh! sell everything from organic massage oils, candles, games and lubricants, to more rather more racy items. However, as they aim to offer a more discerning range of boudoir products, even the most hardcore of the toys they sell are stylish, sensual and distinctly non-offensive.

One wall of the Portobello store is devoted to quality lingerie from the likes of Playful Promises and Vollers, whilst another area is devoted to books which cover all aspects of women’s sexuality, health and erotic fiction. There's even a suede lounge-chair for really decadent browsing! Central to the west London shop are the "playthings that purr", a collection tasteful vibrators with prices to suit everyone. Each is has a fully charged display model and playing with them is actively encouraged. If you need help deciding, the friendly Sh! Girlz know all there is to know about the stock so don't be afraid to ask.

One of the things I like most about Sh! is that the core of their ethos is education. They want women to feel able to explore their sexuality freely and with the appropriate knowledge. To help you, each product in store is displayed with a "toy tag" which provides useful information such as what the toy is designed for, what it's made of, sound/intensity levels, battery requirements etc. In addition to this, the terribly tactful Sh Girlz are trained to guide even the most nervous shopper with sensitivity, personalised advice and honest recommendations. Plus... I haven't even mentioned their wonderful classes yet! I'm attending one of these this Wednesday, so will save that delicious detail for another post.

In the meantime, I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear that the lovely ladies at Sh! have offered one of their goodie bags - including a Sh! Bullet, Sh! LurveHeart, Lush Touch Massage Oil, Lush Lube 250ml and Lush Refresh Toy Cleaner - to one lucky Rarely Wears Lipstick reader. To be in with a chance of winning, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling me who you would like to visit the Sh! Portobello store with, and why. It can be someone real or fictional, a lover, friend, celebrity or historical figure... use your imagination! You have until 5.30pm on Friday, when I shall pass the stories on to my deliciously saucy competition judge who will pick a winner. Don't forget to make sure you leave an email address so that I can get in touch to tell you if you've won. Good luck!

Feminism Friday: Beyond equality

2011-10-21T11:59:00.017+01:00

Feminists always argue that, to a certain extent, gender inequality still exists. There is still a significant pay gap in many countries and violence against women is a big problem, plus we are being increasingly made to feel as though our own bodies are a battleground. The fight is not yet over. However, today I had my attention drawn to an article by Hanna Rosin for The Atlantic magazine, entitled The End of Men. In it, Rosin discusses how the historical preference for male children has changed radically in recent years, and ponders whether our modern post-industrial society is actually better suited to women. She says:

"Man has been the dominant sex since, well, the dawn of mankind. But for the first time in human history, that is changing—and with shocking speed. Cultural and economic changes always reinforce each other. And the global economy is evolving in a way that is eroding the historical preference for male children, worldwide [...] What if the modern, postindustrial economy is simply more congenial to women than to men?"

Perhaps things will change sooner than we think. Now that more women that ever before are better educated and in employment, can we really look to a future we have a matriarchy? If so, would that be any better than how we currently live, or would it simply be a case of "same old sexism: different victim"? If society could let go of traditional male stereotypes and allow men to fit into this post-industrial world of ours without ridicule, I think we'd be on the right track. I don't want to see what's beyond equality. Something tells me it might not be as good as some of us think.

Vivien of Halloween!

2011-10-20T12:54:00.040+01:00

It's no secret that I love Vivien of Holloway clothing. When I first discovered their 1950s style dresses at the start of my vintage/retro obsession, I thought I'd struck gold. Using adapted 1950s patterns and making the same garment in many fabrics has meant that they will always feature on my wishlist. After all, if it fits, why not get one in every colour that suits you? I have a couple of their wonderfully cute and comfy gypsy tops, which are perfect for a spot of glamorous lounging around, and I also have a gorgeous VoH circle dress which has now been worn so often that it's no longer saved for 'best'. In fact, that's the Vivien of Holloway dress I wore for my photoshoot with Rankin. Quite frankly, after all that wear and tear, I think I deserve a new one!

However, there are just so many to choose from on the site that it's rather tricky to know where to start. My pear-shaped figure means that full-skirted dresses are definitely the way to go so, despite the fact I'll never fit into the stunning blue gold dragon sarong dress, at least that helps to narrow down my options slightly. The cupcake blue circle dress would go well with the petticoats I already own, I've always wanted a polka-dot one (especially this adorable multi-coloured frock), and now they have a ladybird print fabric too! And they do that pattern in their fantastic new day dress shape too. But, first things first... Halloween is fast approaching and that means parties. Why spend your hard-earned cash on an ill-fitting fancy dress costume when you could get a gorgeous Vivien of Holloway frock to wear again and again?

There are plenty of styles on the site which are available in plain black (cotton or satin). When combined with a pointy black hat these are perfect for that glamorous 'pin-up witch' look, as illustrated by the devilish Anna Fur Laxis, but they can also be worn all year round with more traditional accessories. If you fancy something a bit more eye-catching, there are a few prints that would do rather well at this time of year too: check out the classic pirate fabric (who doesn't love pirates, right?), the luxury twinkle of starlights, or perhaps the rather more alternative Day of the Dead pattern. However, if you're always up for celebrating Halloween and would no doubt thing of many other reasons to wear your new frock, they also have purple and red satin spider-web dresses too!

If that's not enough, enter the code VOH_Lipstick11 at the checkout when you make your purchase from the Vivien of Holloway online store and you'll get a special 10% Rarely Wears Lipstick discount. The offer's valid until 30th November 2011, so you can even use it to get yourself a Christmas party outfit too.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Lubricant

2011-10-18T11:15:00.002+01:00

Once you have found a partner and have negotiated the path to safe sex together, there is one thing that is pretty much guaranteed to make that sex even better: lube. A good lubricant both improves penetrative sex and manual stimulation. Whether or not you're the sort of person who naturally provides plenty of your own lubrication, the benefits of making things extra slippery can never be underestimated. It can help fingers slide over, around and into places they might not otherwise have explored. It can assist with turning something uncomfortable into something mind-blowingly amazing. It can make those toys a lot easier to work with. If you have a look in a good sex shop, or online, there are lots of different types of personal lubricant available. Try a few out to find out which works best for you, but do make sure that any you choose are suitable for the job (i.e. latex-safe and/or fine to use with silicone toys) before you get stuck in. You will feel the benefit of this research in no time at all.

I understand that my Alternative A-to-Z of Sex may not actually seem all that 'alternative'. I simply intended it to be an alternative to the bland sex tips churned out by mainstream magazines. The plan is to write a blog post on something that isn't always the obvious choice (e.g. K wasn't for kissing) and is always safe for work. Can I manage a post for every single letter of the alphabet? So far so good!

Image from Nomadic Lass' Flickr photostream.

How to dress for your age

2011-10-17T12:35:00.017+01:00

We all know that there are things we supposedly can't wear when we get passed a certain age, and we've all heard the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb". However, the exact details of what shouldn't be worn after which age is far less easy to determine. After all, humans come in all different shapes and sizes, so what will look daft on someone in her late 20s might look absolutely fine on another woman in her 50s because their bodies suit different things. There really is no "stop wearing short skirts at the age of 35" rule. It's all about knowing your shape and finding clothes that suit you, regardless of age. As the Invisible Woman said on the Guardian's fashion blog about Mary Portas' new clothing range, there really is no one-stop-shop solution for fashion once your teenage years are behind you:

"It seems to me that the way we dress as we grow older has more to do with who we know we are and less to do with what we are told we are by people who claim, not wholly unreasonably, to know better. It's a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand we feel all at sea, on the other we are very clear about what we want and need. But the ideal, surely, is to dress in a way that reflects personality and character - we can do that. The problem comes with finding appropriate sizing, shape and colour."

This is where internet 'window shopping' comes into its own. Online, you can hunt down styles that you think would suit you without having to trek along the high street, therefore narrowing down your search before you even leave home. Sites like ASOS, John Lewis, Guardian Fashion Store, and now even Amazon, offer so many brands that it's easy to stumble upon something that you may not otherwise have spotted. It's all too easy to ignore Topshop when you're in your 40s or Whistles when you're in your 20s, because you don't think the brand is aimed at your age group. We shouldn't do this though. Age is a state of mind not a brand indicator, so you should remember to wear what you feel comfortable and confident in. After all, wearing vintage can sometimes be like wearing your grandma's clothing and we don't have a problem with that, do we?

Feminism Friday: History lesson

2011-10-14T10:40:00.015+01:00

This week my inspiration for Feminism Friday came, rather surprisingly, from the National Portrait Gallery. I took the afternoon off work yesterday to go and see the Glamour of the Gods exhibition and to explore the free exhibitions and recent acquisitions in one of my favourite museums in London. I've not been there for a while, and it was like delving into a treasure trove every time I turned a corner and discovered something new. Although it was fantastic to see Chris Floyd's striking photographic portrait of Cailtin Moran hanging in the gallery, this was not my inspiration for today's post. Instead, it was something I found in the gift shop. Alongside all the stuff aimed at kids, to teach them about some of the historical eras that the gallery's collections focus on, I found some packs of replica historical documents. Just the sort of thing I love rummaging through! However, this became even more fascinating when I realised that there were a couple of rather feminist sets in the collection.

There was a Suffragettes memorabilia pack containing a replica Votes for Women newspaper, membership card, poster, jail letter, Buckingham Palace flier, bail notice, propaganda pamphlet, Hyde Park programme and some photos of Suffragettes with a "get out of gaol" game printed on the back. Wonderfully inspiring stuff that makes it much easier to see just how hard these women fought for our right to vote. There is also a Women's War pack which contains a Life in the WRNS booklet, Home Companion magazine, hand written letter, Land Army flyer, wartime recipes, A Woman's Place pamphlet, WAAF leaflet and a selection of images from posters of the time. Again, looking through these documents really emphasises just how important women were to the running of the country during World War II. Much more so than simply reading about it in a book.

I really hope that young girls will buy or get given these - whether or not they are studying the subjects at school - as this is most certainly a history lesson that every woman needs. We are powerful. We can make a difference. We just need to want it.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Kegel

2011-10-11T14:44:00.009+01:00

You may have already heard of Kegel or pelvic floor exercises and, if so, you could well be wondering why on earth I'd mention them here. Well known for helping to reduce urinary incontinence in women, especially after childbirth, they might not sound like the sexiest sort of thing you could be doing. However, the location of these muscles should be a key to the other thing the exercises can help you with. Strong easily controlled pelvic floor muscles can help you have better orgasms and, for many people, they can also be the key to becoming multi-orgasmic. Even for men because these muscles, when strong, can give greater control over ejaculation. Apparently, with training, it is possible for some men to orgasm without ejaculating which means they can just keep going.*

There are many devices designed to help tone the pubococcygeus muscles of the pelvic floor but their effectiveness is debated, and they may not even be necessary as there are simple exercises you can do without the use of weights at all. One of the things these muscles do is hold urine in your bladder, so trying to stop the flow once you've started is actually a rather good exercise. Once you've got the hang of doing this, you'll know which muscles to squeeze and relax which will mean that you can exercise them at any time. When you're fully in control, it could be the path to more intense and more frequent orgasms. Now that's definitely something which belongs in an A-to-Z of sex.

*If you've ever had the stamina to try this, do let me know if it works!

How to be happy

2011-10-10T15:03:00.015+01:00

Now that I'm happy and confident in myself, it can sometimes be difficult to remember how I was before I achieved this. Telling someone that they look great, and should be content just the way they are, rarely works. It's like someone telling me not to worry: just because you said it, doesn't make it happen. My worrying doesn't have a nice straightforward off-switch. Telling someone that they don't need to have a spouse/career/family by a specific point in their life to be a success, doesn't automatically stop someone from feeling like a failure. Telling someone they're not fat just makes them focus on the last word you said.

My journey to self-confidence started with realising a number of things, including: (a) what is right for other people isn't necessarily right for me; (b) focusing on myself isn't selfish; and (c) being happy with my life just the way it is doesn't need to be considered 'settling'. Concentrating on good things and thinking about what made me happy was, inevitably, far more productive than dwelling on the bad stuff. I sometimes blog about things like boosting body confidence and how you shouldn't get hung up on size, but body (and other) insecurities arise for many different reasons and manifest in a number of ways, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The best we can all do is to concentrate on the positive things in our lives, as far as we possibly can. Hopefully this approach will also help the people we come into contact with to break away from their negativity too.

Feminism Friday: All girls together?

2011-10-07T11:43:00.009+01:00

When I started Feminism Friday, I did wonder if I would have something to write about every week. I really needn't have worried my 'pretty little head' about it. Earlier this week, I popped out to grab a sandwich and found myself staring at a sea of women's magazines, pondering whether or not I wanted something to read with my lunch. I decided against it in the end as, although Boots does great food, their choice of glossies really does leave something to be desired. I swiftly became both mesmerised and frustrated by the utter crap that some women seem happy to part with their cash for. As the feminist rage bubbled up inside, I tweeted one magazine's cover lines: "Women's faces destroyed by drugs! Career women too scared to have babies! Is your figure better than you think? Oh fuck off Marie Claire". Apparently you should aspire to look great, have babies and currently be completely insecure to read this magazine. If the various replies and retweets I received that afternoon are anything to go by, I'm not the only one annoyed by this.

In a subsequent email discussion with my friend Jo, we picked at the nasty way society often encourages women to bond over hating themselves, and she said: "I do think that's a pernicious trend in the general public way of addressing women, especially from advertisers - the 'all girls together', gosh aren't we all insecure, wow I hate my bum, oh well I hate my ankles, blah blah etc". Why do we have to be insecure to get along? Why are confident successful women seen as 'bitches'? What's with all the negativity? There is also the supposedly friendly way of addressing women as if we all experience life in exactly the same way. No, we don't all 'love a bad boy' and, gasp, some of us can resist chocolate.

Mainstream media and advertising often treats women as though we're all somehow identical, with collective hopes and dreams. Ooh, let's all bond over these shared experiences that, as a gender, we surely all have! Well, guess what? We don't. For a short while in my late 20s I began to wonder if society thought of me as a real woman at all. I didn't want to be on a diet, liked looking at men and women, didn't want to get married, didn't want babies, wasn't obsessed with shopping, and rather liked cars. Practically nothing that was designed to appeal exclusively to women appealed to me. Especially not the near constant negativity. Why can't we bond over loving ourselves instead? Can't we talk about music, movies, life, gadgets, politics, shoes and how fabulous we are? Hmm... perhaps that just doesn't sell magazines.

Investment pieces

2011-10-05T11:27:00.021+01:00

I've never been one for Primark bargains. It's mostly an ethical choice - how can they sell clothing so cheaply? - but it's also one of value. If I impulse buy cheap clothing, it will often be that same stuff which annoys me when it goes with nothing and starts cluttering up my wardrobe. I just don't value the thing I've spent my money on when it's that cheap. Spending a bit more cash makes me truly consider a purchase, and a well thought out buy is generally a better one. Rather than stopping at "do I like it?", I move on to other questions such as "does it fit really well?", "is it reasonably practical?", "will it go with things I already own?" and "how often will I wear it?". In addition, spending more on an item often indicates better quality, so it will last longer.

It'll take a while for me to completely move away from making impulse purchases, but right now I am very much enjoying the anticipation of having what is effectively a wish list. Here are my current obsessions. Feel free to share your own in the comments.

Practical handbag
I've got this one covered already, but it was the first step on my road to seeing the benefit in investment purchases. A couple of years ago I bought an handbag for a night out and it turned out to be rather useful on an everyday basis too. Sadly, it was cheaply made out of imitation patent leather which cracked under the weight of the contents, so I went in search for a similar style in leather. I went in every department store on Oxford Street and one bag ticked almost every box for me: The Osprey Bug.

There was a cracked vintage-effect black leather version for sale at a reduced price of £150 in John Lewis and I spent a while pondering it. The most I'd spent on a handbag up to that point was probably £30, and I desperately wanted something red, but the poor quality of cheap bags was really annoying me and this bag was the perfect style and size for my needs. Of course, I bought it and promptly filled it with stuff, which it has coped with admirably. I'm always on the look out for new versions of the Bug, but it looks like the one I have will last me a while yet!

Knee-high boots
They may be an extremely useful fashion staple when it comes to winter, but it's been a while since I was able to zip up a pair of off-the-shelf knee boots. I even tried Evans one year, where I was eyed suspiciously by the sales assistant and ended up buying a style I wasn't keen on just because the boots fitted my wide calves. I've chatted to many women whose legs are either too wide or too slender for most boots and often wondered why there wasn't somewhere that offered more than just a size that is based on foot length. Then the internet led me to Duo who, amongst other things, sell a stylish range of calf boots in a variety of width fittings.

I just can't decide which boots I want from Duo though. Do I go for the Albano with the lovely buckle details, or something plain and timeless like the Aralia? Or perhaps the higher heel of the Genova? I think I might just have to pop into their London store to see if seeing the styles in real life will help me come to a decision.

Well-fitting jeans
Jeans were one thing I thought I might be able to do without once I re-vamped my style. Whatever was I thinking? There's no way I can do without jeans! Once I realised just how unflattering my low-rise New Look pair are on my shape, I began the hunt for a new pair but was determined not to spend much as I don't wear them every day. I thought I'd found a bargain in TK Maxx with some mid-rise straight-leg dark indigo denim that I added turn-ups to for a Land Girl look, but they're still far from the most flattering item in my wardrobe. So, what to do?

When Cate Sevilla wrote about Levi's CurveID last year, I pushed the information to the back of my mind because I didn't want to pay Levi's prices for something I won't be wearing that often. However, I remembered just how much I loved each pair of Levi's jeans that I've purchased in the past, and how much better they were than others I've owned. I read more about the CurveID emphasis on fit and think that they may just have what I'm looking for. Why do I keep spending £20 here and £30 there on jeans that are far from perfect when I could have saved it to spend on something that actually fits?

Image via fatseth's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Jealousy

2011-10-04T12:30:00.001+01:00

Jealousy is something that affects most relationships at one time or another. Relationships of any kind. It rears its ugly head on all sorts of occasions and, as Not an Odalisque mentioned a few in her recent blog post on jealousy, for many varied reasons. We often hate ourselves when it happens, perhaps thinking that we should be above such thoughts, but remember that most people experience the green-eyed monster quite often in their lives and none of us should feel bad about that. After all, the first step to managing jealousy is to actually admit to ourselves that we do have those feelings.

As far as sex is concerned, many people think that jealousy can only relate to a partner having (or wanting to have) sexual contact with someone who isn't you. However, it can happen for other reasons too. Have you ever felt jealous of a partner's multiple orgasms when you've been stuck with only one? Perhaps you've been in a situation where you didn't come at all and they did? Maybe they're more flexible than you, fitter than you, less inhibited than you? However your jealousy manifests, you should first learn to pause before reacting in order to think about why you feel this way.

Where have the feelings come from? How can this be fixed? Do you feel as though you're missing out on something? If you talk to your partner(s) calmly about your emotions using neutral language - e.g. use "when X happens, I feel Y", rather than "you make me feel Y" - you will begin to feel more in control of these feelings. In addition, your partner will probably be pleased that you are discussing things with them and are asking for their help. Even sharing the bad things can be positive sometimes. You are not in this alone.

Image via Quasic's Flickr photostream.

30 Years of Self Expression

2011-10-03T00:07:00.001+01:00

When I moved to Manchester in 1994, one of the things I loved most about the city to begin with was the shopping. As a textile design student, I decided early on that any time spent wandering around shops was vital for my degree, and so a spot of 'research' would happen on a reasonably regular basis. One of my favourite places to visit in those days was the Schuh store on Market Street which, to my provincial shoe-obsessive eyes, was a symbol of all that was great about living in a city. I'd never seen anything quite like it before. There were so many gorgeous flats, heels, trainers and boots... all fashion forward and all reasonably affordable. I bought many pairs from that store in my student years but the ones that stick in my head the most, partly because I still have them, are my heeled Dr Marten boots. They were made of navy leather and have survived many a snowy winter, plus me painting them with black shoe dye to go with a clubbing outfit. Despite not really being a Docs kinda girl, I still love those crazy boots.

Schuh are now 30 years old. They opened their first store in Edinburgh back in 1981, and their philosophy was simple: "To provide individual high fashion footwear, sold in a unique and exciting retail environment". If my first impressions of their Manchester store are anything to go by, they were sticking to those ideals in the 1990s, and they're definitely sticking to them now. I defy anyone to walk into a Schuh store and not go "ooh!' at something. I did this just last week as they have a handful of exclusive 30th birthday design collaborations with some great brands, including the only Docs that have tempted me since I purchased my 90s pair. Embroidered with red roses? I must have them.

To celebrate three decades of bringing fantastically fashionable footwear to the high streets of the UK, Schuh's birthday campaign is called ’30 Years of Self Expression’ and covers all aspects of youth culture from 1981 to the present day. The website has an interactive timeline of the last 30 years of popular culture where you can add your memories, thoughts and pictures. There will be a party too, with celebrations in store on the 29th and 30th October, which will include the obligatory birthday presents. Every customer who buys over those two days will receive a gift, and it might not be something really tiny either. You might end up with a specially branded Schuh iPad with 30 years of film and music on it, an exclusive iPod, or free shoes for a year! I think I need to set a reminder in my calendar to go and get myself a pair of those boots. Let's hope they don't sell out before then.

Feminism Friday: Doctorin' the TARDIS

2011-09-30T14:06:00.004+01:00

As the break in season six of 'New Who' drew to a close back in August, in my excitement at the return of the Doctor, I wrote a guest post for Bad Reputation on why I thought that Doctor Who is a feminist show. I rattled on about the programme's best strong female characters - Sarah-Jane Smith, Ace, Amy Pond and River Song - mentioned that the show didn't conform to the usual gender stereotypes, and reminded everyone that the Doctor didn't actually have to take a human male form. During the episodes which followed, it's almost as if the show's writers were determined to prove me wrong.

In the first episode back, River Song spouted some terrible lines that insinuated she was somewhat obsessed with losing weight and going shopping. Although this was probably designed to illustrate that, at that point in time, the character was considerably younger than the River we've all grown to love, I'm sure the writers could have illustrated this in some other way. A way that better fitted the 'before' and 'after' that we'd already been shown. In addition, Amy Pond looked like she was really going places, and was being developed really interestingly as a character, until she got left on earth for a bit and seemed to forget all the fantastic stuff she's capable of doing. Sarah Ditum blogged yesterday about her disappointment in Amy Pond going from Space Samurai to Supermodel within a couple of episodes. OK, so it wasn't the same Amy as the one who'd spent 36 years alone waiting for the Doctor and Rory to return, but to do that with a character - to make her able to build her own sonic screwdriver one minute, and then be advertising perfume the next - what does that say about women? That we're really only worth something if we look gorgeous? I do hope that they're going somewhere rather spectacular with this Petrichor perfume ad. I'm hoping Moffat has a plan.

[And yes, the title of this post is purely so that I can justify a little Timelords action.]

Body-positive charity burlesque!

2011-09-29T15:07:00.014+01:00

There are plenty of burlesque and cabaret nights to choose from in the capital, but the stages at many of them are often only filled with a certain type of woman. Not everyone is a toned size 10 and not everyone wants to be either, but some burlesque nights do still seem to be all about the male gaze. To me, burlesque isn't just about the glittertits. So, when I was asked to appear in in an event (as my burlesque alter-ego Miss Lolly Pops) where a bunch of girls would take their knickers off on stage for them to be auctioned for charity, I was rather skeptical. However, as it was being organised by some friends of mine (including the delectable Honey Schnapps, pictured), I decided to ask for more information. It turned out that Barelesque was devised for the female gaze and will be 100% body-positive to boot! There will be singing and dancing plus sexy people getting their kit off, and this sumptuous night of sin promises to be practically guilt-free too as it’s all for an extremely virtuous cause.

On 12th October, the Barelesque stage will feature a beautiful variety of female bodies - tall, short, petite, curvy, dark and pale - plus the night will include performances from a slam diva poet, male and female burlesque artists and even an opera singer! All this will take place under the watchful eye of Mat Fraser, MC of legendary shows at many famous venues including New York’s Slipper Room. As well as the performances, there will be a charity auction, where the audience will be able to bid for the underwear displayed by Barelesque's naughty lingerie models. There will be seven Deadly Sins to tempt you, and three Virtues to keep you sweet. All money raised - from ticket sales, the lingerie auction and also sales of Rubyyy Jones' famous cuntcakes - will go to the Albert Kennedy Trust. The Trust supports young LGBT people aged between 16 and 25 who are homeless or who live in a hostile environment. Many of the young people supported by the charity have been rejected by their families or bullied at school for coming out.

The seriously sexy performers, all of whom have donated their services for free to help Barelesque raise money for this good cause, include: Alison Brumfitt, a notorious performance poet and slam diva; Michelle Crozier, a decadent opera diva; British Heart, a legendary burlesque boy; Honey Schnapps, a badass burlesque girl; Rubyyy Jones, an award-winning erotic artist, writer and performer; and Barelesque's own very naughty lingerie models, who will be auctioning their underwear to the highest bidder. And, yes, I shall be there as one of Barelesque's three Virtues... Hope.

Barelesque will take place on Wednesday 12th October 2011 at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 372 Kennington Lane, London SE11 5HY. Tickets are £10 until 30th September and £12 thereafter, available from Ticketweb. Doors open at 7pm and the show starts at 8pm.

Image of Honey Schnapps by The Hourglass, Avarice by Sarah Hepworth and Charity by Christopher Andreou.

Note to self...

2011-09-28T00:15:00.009+01:00

We all want to help our friends in times of need. Some of us will always be there to listen and offer advice when asked, time and time again, simply because we want to. Because we care about the people close to us and their problems. Occasionally though, this can result in us forgetting to look after ourselves. When it gets to the point where you're feeling bad for not being able to be there for someone and it starts to affect your own emotional well-being, the time has come to take a step back and think of number one. Remember that you're not a counsellor or a therapist. You're not a mental health professional. You don't have to do this and you're not actually going to be any good at it if you're a bit of a mess yourself.

Sometimes we have to say no, and then take some time for ourselves. It's just not possible to support others all the time. If they're true friends, they'll understand... and, when you need it most, they'll hopefully be there for you too.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Instinct

2011-09-27T08:00:00.006+01:00

This series is labelled 'alternative' because it's not about the first thing that would pop into most people's heads when given the subject of sex and a single letter of the alphabet. It's designed to make you think and to still be mostly safe for work. So far it has contained many things that are far more important for good sex than many people would have you think. Forget those lists of positions and oral tips "to blow his mind" in mainstream magazines. The Rarely Wears Lipstick Alternative A-to-Z of sex is a different beast entirely. Today, I is for instinct.

No matter how good or bad you think your instincts are, you'd be a fool not to trust them. If something doesn't feel quite right, you really should be listening to that little voice inside and asking yourself whether or not you should be doing it. Don't question your instincts, but question the things your instincts warn you about. If that partner seems wrong in some way, ask yourself why. If something you try out in bed feels strange, stop or change it until you find something you're happy with. No one curses themselves for trusting their instincts, but many who don't listen to them often wish they had.

Recommendation: Lyla by LELO

2011-09-26T00:02:00.022+01:00

Ever since I attended one of Coco de Mer's salons last year, I have wanted to own a LELO Pleasure Object. When Sam Roddick passed various sample vibrators around the group at her workshop, I marvelled at just how different they were to anything else in the shop, and also any I had used before. They were beautifully designed quality items that were sensuous to use - even when just testing the vibrations in the palm of your hand whilst sat in a room full of strangers! The firm yet tactile finish felt luxurious, the buttons were inviting to use, and several experienced women in the room mentioned that they already owned a LELO massager and they would most definitely recommend them. High praise indeed.

So, when I received an email recently asking if I'd like to join their affiliate programme, I thought long and hard about it. My main problem with the idea was that I don't carry traditional paid-for advertising on Rarely Wears Lipstick and so all my recommendations come in the form of reviews of products I have already used. Sadly, I did not yet own anything made by LELO, so I thought I would ask if there was any chance of acquiring one of their personal massagers for review purposes. To my great delight, not only did the lovely people at LELO agree to this, but they were also just about to launch a rather exciting new range: Insignia SenseMotion.

These waterproof couples’ massagers each have a wireless remote that features motion-sensor technology, much like the type of thing you'd find in an iPhone or Nintendo Wii controller. This means the vibrations can be controlled by a slight movement of the hand or flick of the wrist, rather than just by pressing buttons. LELO's SenseMotion press release says that: "SenseMotion offers an unprecedented way to interact with personal massagers, as users tilt, shake or turn the wireless controller to vary vibration patterns as freely as they choose". In addition, the controller itself vibrates - a function that you can also switch off, if desired - and is synchronised with the massager, so that the person holding the controller can feel the vibrations their partner is experiencing.

There are three products in the range - available in three colours - each with a different design and intended application. Tiani is designed for women to wear during intercourse, Oden is designed for men to wear, but I chose the interesting variety offered by the Lyla. An egg-like massager that can be used externally or worn internally by women, it promises "discreet yet powerful vibrations [...] potential to control from distance bring untold possibilities in couples’ play". How could I possibly resist?

When my Lyla arrived, I experienced the sort of delight I often get when I lay my hands on a new gadget. Despite the fact that they are essentially a gadget themselves, this part of the 'technojoy' rarely happens with me for vibrators as they are usually packaged rather cheaply, but this was much more like unwrapping a quality item like a smartphone. After plugging the massager in to charge, I settled down to read the instructions and familiarise myself with the controller. After all, no one wants a rather intense personal moment spoiled as they fumble to find the right button, right? Thankfully the instructions are clear and the controller itself takes batteries, so I was able to get to grips with most of the settings before trying out the wireless functionality.

Like the rest of the SenseMotion range, the Lyla has two vibration modes that are operated simply by moving the wireless controller, and an additional six modes that use the 3-button interface which appears across the Insignia range. This provides a massive amount of variation in the sensations Lyla can provide and so I would be amazed if there was anyone out there who couldn't find a vibration setting they liked. If you are a fan of using a buzz to get you off, then this toy would most definitely be for you! However, this is only the beginning. Once you activate the main part of the massager, linking it wirelessly to the remote, things just get better.

The vibrations that you feel from the massager are the same as those from the remote, only quieter. Because of this, it is a much better couples' toy than the traditional wireless controller variety, as the person selecting the vibration setting can feel what the other person is feeling. This would give couples a much better idea of what works well for their partner, without having the added complication of positioning and angling the vibrations themselves. You control where you want the vibrations, and they decide how intense they are. I found the SenseMotion modes extremely playful and fun and thought they could definitely inspire some beautifully exploratory and sensual sex.

As well as being a fantastic toy for use with other people, I thought that Lyla also excelled for solo use. The six traditional vibration settings offer a wide variety of sensations - with intensity easily adjusted up or down - and the motor in the remote can be switched off or on. This allows for self-play either with internal and external vibrations together, or simply with your favourite setting on the massager and the silenced remote put to one side until you're done.

Basically, this little beauty is several toys in one. Several very good toys. I didn't think I'd ever find anything as satisfying as my embarrassingly ugly Bedside Bullet, but LELO have managed something much better and it's gorgeous too. After wasting money on several cheaper vibrators whilst trying to find The One, I can now see that I should just have saved up and bought from LELO in the first place. Whether you're with partners or alone, I think that you'll find they have rather hit the spot with Insignia SenseMotion.

Competition time: And the winner is...

2011-09-24T21:10:00.011+01:00

Thanks very much to everyone who entered the Playful Promises Pin-Up Panties competition. I really loved reading through all your fantastic stories but, after the first few were posted, I realised it was going to be impossible for me to judge this myself because so many of my lovely friends had chosen to submit entries. Knowing who had written each story was clearly going to affect my judgement, and so I decided that what I needed was a guest judge to make the decision on my behalf. That way I could ensure that each entry was judged on the story itself, rather than who wrote it. All fine in theory, but who could I trust to make an objective choice? It needed to be someone who is caring, un-shockable and who understands that it is possible to really need a pair of super sexy panties.

My first and only choice for the job was Urban Tantra Master London Faerie. As the the founder of sex-positive spaces After Pandora and Sacred Pleasures, Faerie is open-minded enough to be able to judge without prejudice. So, yesterday I anonymised all the entries, emailed them over to The Pot and the Faerie's reply was this: "I made a shortlist: 1, 2, 3 and 7. Then I read them again and I asked myself who REALLY needs these pants. I decided no. 7 was the most in need. I also liked the fact that she shared the link with others 'against her best interests'. That definitely works for me".

So the winner is Sophie Orbaum! Sophie chose the snake charmer panties and so a pair of those will be heading her way very soon. I do hope they help her charm some very impressive snakes.

Feminism Friday: Gender stereotypes are GREAT

2011-09-23T10:09:00.004+01:00

Gender stereotypes and advertising go together so well, don't they? After all, if people complain about them it just generates more publicity, right? OK, so that may not be how advertising agencies actually work, but sometimes I really do wonder. Over on The Guardian's Women's Blog this week, Bim Adewunmi points out the lack of women in the posters for the new "GREAT Britain" campaign. This is indeed a fair point (and I totally agree with her when she says they missed a trick by not using an image of the Duchess of Cambridge). However, the thing that most stands out to me in the poster they feature is that it sums up shopping with a gender stereotype. Yes, it is pretty much the only mention of women in the campaign, but there is a bigger story about the campaign itself. David Cameron told us we live in "Broken Britain", and now he's announcing to the rest of the world that it's "GREAT Britain"? No, I don't really care that much for the campaign at all, but the tired old use of gender stereotyping did bug me quite a bit.

Selecting an image of a high-heeled shoe to illustrate shopping is really quite lazy. Why not some generic yet classy shopping bags? Or a bright and airy mall interior? Instead it looks like they've just assumed shopping is "what girls do" and then selected the first Sex-and-the-City-esque image that came up on Google. If you want to get people to spend more money, Mr Cameron, perhaps you should appeal to PEOPLE to do that? Mind you, I am grateful for one thing. At least they didn't go with anything along the lines of the image that the Daily Fail use to advertise their Femail section. A stiletto and lipstick? Yes, because you're worth it, dear.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Honesty

2011-09-20T00:04:00.004+01:00

Honesty may be the best policy when it comes to relationships, at least as far as I'm concerned, but it's also a pretty important component of sex. Right from the moment we find ourselves sexually attracted to someone, dishonesty can cause all sorts of problems if it's left to seep in. We need to be honest about who we're attracted to and whether or not we plan on acting on our impulses. We need to be honest about contraception choices, our sexual history and whether or not we've been tested. Once we've hooked up with someone, we also need to remember that our sexual partners are not mind-readers and so we need to remember to tell them what we like and dislike sexually. This doesn't always have to be verbal, but some form of honest communication certainly helps when perfecting that extra special form of physical fun.

As well as honesty regarding orgasms and what does/doesn't work for you, it helps to be honest about the ridiculous stuff that happens because, after all, sex isn't always serious. If you can't laugh off those embarrassing noises then you'll never relax enough to give yourself over to enjoying really great orgasms. Sex is hot, messy, silly, frantic, sensual, noisy and often really rather hilarious. It's often at its most perfect when it's imperfect. So, in order to fully enjoy sex, we need to be honest both with ourselves and each other.

Competition time: The circus is in town!

2011-09-19T00:00:00.004+01:00

What better way to start a new week here at Rarely Wears Lipstick, than with a competition?Not just any old giveaway either, this is one where you can get you hands on some absolutely gorgeous knickers and inject a little bit more glamour into your life. I know you're all amazingly glamorous anyway but, if you're anything like me, you may need that little bit of extra help on a Monday! As featured in the rather exotic issue 4 of Playful Promises Magazine, these Circus Pin-Up Panties are just the sort of thing to brighten your (or a loved one's) day, as they don't only look cute in their gorgeous gift tin, but they also look pretty amazing once you've wiggled into them too.

The lovely people over at Playful Promises are going to give one lucky winner a choice between three gorgeous styles. If your entry is chosen, you can decide to be one of the following: a feisty Ring Mistress (ooh er!) in sexy black satin with buttons, lace and ruching to emphasise your delightful behind; a sultry Snake Charmer (pictured) in purple and black with gorgeous little bows; or an outrageous Tiger Tamer in hot pink with a naughty heart-shaped lace-covered cut out on your posterior. Tempted? I thought you might be.

To be in with a chance of winning, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling me which circus siren you would like to be and when you would wear the panties. It can be anything from a true tale of a party you're attending with a hot date, to a fantasy scenario where your sexy new circus skills are somehow appreciated by that stranger you've been eyeing up on the train to work every day. Cheeky or raunchy, cute or outrageous, I need you to tell me a very short story that leaves me in no doubt as to why you really need these knickers in your life. You have until 5.30pm on Friday, when I shall choose the tale that moves me the most. Entertain, amuse, titillate or plead - the choice is yours. Don't forget to make sure you leave an email address so that I can get in touch to tell you if you've won. Good luck!

Feminism Friday: Sexist Slogans

2011-09-16T11:53:00.006+01:00

Every now and again, someone tweets a link to something for sale on the internet which makes me do a double-take. Recently we've seen a girls' t-shirt with the slogan "I'm too pretty to do homework", and then Topman takes things a step further by comparing women to dogs and also making a list of 'excuses' for domestic violence into something that's apparently wearable. I don't know which is more annoying: a) the fact that a large company can get clothing like this all the way through to the point of sale without anyone pointing out that it's a load of sexist shit that should never have left the brain of the moron who came up with it, or b) some idiots still buy slogan t-shirts! Seriously people, what the fuck?

Image via Topman.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Gratification

2011-09-13T00:03:00.007+01:00

It seems that the world is obsessed with instant gratification these days. We want it all, and we want it now. Give us those orgasms and don't take too long about it, goddamit! Deliver that newly purchased sex toy immediately or I shall take my business elesewhere next time! We've all become petulant and demanding. But what about deferred gratification? The ability to patiently wait for or work towards something you want is often considered to be a virtue, but this is rarely thought about when it comes to sex. The joy of anticipation as you wait to spend time with a lover can deliver a great deal of pleasure when you realise that the waiting itself actually adds something wonderful to the experience. A long-awaited dirty weekend can be even more delightful than a quickie, seeing a lover wearing something sexy that you spent a long time choosing for them can be amazing, and saving money for something expensive to enhance your sex life can bring more than simply a smile. Whether it's a gorgeous toy from Lelo, an accessory or two from Coco de Mer, or a beautiful handmade book of erotica produced by author Scarlett French, a thing of beauty is most definitely a joy forever. So, take your time and savour. Some things really are worth the wait.

Image by Scarlett French.

Kiss and make up

2011-09-12T14:46:00.013+01:00

Make up is fascinating stuff. There is a strange kind of freedom in it being socially acceptable to apply a painted mask to your face before you head off into the outside world each day, but it is also rather odd that this is only widely acceptable within certain gendered restrictions. Adult women without make up are sometimes frowned upon, and men with even the slightest hint of eyeliner or lip gloss wouldn't be able to show their face in most work places. Although many feminists frown on the use of make up - or, more specifically, the social pressure on women to wear it - I have no such qualms because I realise that wearing cosmetics is a choice. Like many things, a lot of women don't realise it is a choice or don't yet have the courage to challenge the norm, but I have met many successful and beautiful women who get on just fine without the stuff. Hopefully many more will realise this over time.

In addition, I totally agree with Laura Barnett who pointed out in a post about make up in The Guardian's Women's Blog last month that she believed most women don't go through this expensive routine simply to please men. They apply the stuff for themselves, or in order to impress other make-up-wearing females. As a teenager, I used to hate cosmetics and would rarely wear anything on my face other than moisturiser. Then I tried mascara and discovered I had very long lashes which hardly show normally because the tips are blonde. Then I discovered concealer for my spots and powder to dull the shine of my freshly moisturised skin. Then I found out that eyeshadow in the right shade made my eyes stand out and, when I dyed my hair red, darkening my eyebrows with brown pencil made me look a bit more... finished. Every little thing I have tried over the years has now been condensed into a short morning or evening routine that helps me to prepare myself for what's to come. It's five minutes of painting that, like a child with a colouring-in book, helps me to switch my brain off a bit and focus. I don't have to do all the steps, but even just doing one thing is as much a part of my morning now as having breakfast.

I have to admit though, one part of my make up regime could indeed be a response to the reactions of others, including men. Part of the reason I rarely wear lipstick is because I get fewer kisses when I'm wearing something that will leave its mark. To be honest, it's also because I like it perfect and am too lazy to reapply throughout the day - I already spend quite enough time looking in the mirror as it is! - but the lack of kisses was the last straw. This is, however, still a purely selfish reason. If I wear my MAC Ruby Woo lippy, it's because I want to get noticed, hide my tiredness, or compliment my outfit - if I don't, it's because I'm lazy. Either way, it's a little feminist 'fuck you' to anyone who tells me what to do with my face. My make up is still a choice, which makes it even more of a shame when it's not to some people.

Feminism Friday: "Absolutely no regrets"

2011-09-09T15:23:00.012+01:00

Every now and again, I am reminded how wonderful Madonna is. Recently I found a link to scans of the pages of her Sex book on Tumblr and spent a while marvelling at how bold she was back in 1992. Despite the fact that I have my own copy in storage somewhere and so have seen the text and images many times before now, every time I look at the book it means more because I have related to it in a new way at different points in my life. I never saw them as shocking or offensive but, now that I have reached my late 30s, the themes covered in the book make far more sense to me. Even though it may have initially seemed that she was simply out to shock, Madonna's book shows a personal exploration of sexuality, desire and the female body that was both brave and educational. At the time, despite the book's success, the media and general public reacted quite badly to its publication. "Mad Fan Al" sums it up beautifully in an Amazon review, stating:

"Middle America was on a clean up campaign which many, including Madonna, saw as an infringment on the country's celebrated freedom of speech and expression beliefs. She added to the debate by producing a book of her own Erotic fantasies which portrayed her take on sexuality and sex in a way SHE wanted it to be seen. She wanted to portay her own ideals of sex from the stand point of a straight, white woman and not as the object of some male, media hungry tycoon exploiting women the way the pornographic industry had done for decades. This was all good, outstanding actually, but most people (including the male dominated media) missed it and her point totally. The press actually felt extremely threatened by her and labelled her as anything from a tramp to a whore and everything in between, she was in reality a sexual woman in control."

Despite this, Madonna refused to apologise for the book and one of my favourite parts of the whole incident was when she wrote and released the song Human Nature, explaining how she felt about reactions to things she'd said and done. "Would it sound different if I were a man?" she asked us. Quite probably. At the peak of her career, Madonna was a strong woman who was a bold innovator, made her own choices, spoke her mind and regretted nothing. There is still a lot we can learn from her.

Image via Wikipedia.

What I Wore Today

2011-09-07T16:37:00.008+01:00

Much as I love blogs where glamorous folk post photographs of what they're wearing, most of the time I lose interest after a while because they are more about following fashion than simply wearing clothes. Every day seems to be like something out of the pages of a style magazine for these people and it can all get a bit 'samey'. Then the intriguing Poppy Dinsey, of @PoppyD Twitter fame, made a new year's resolution in 2010 that caused a bit of a stir. A simple vow to wear something different every day and upload photos to a blog turned into something rather unusual... a real fashion blog about actual clothes rather than just trends. As Poppy wasn't a "fashion blogger" as such, she had no qualms about uploading occasional photos of her wearing baggy t-shirts, gym clothes, pyjamas or a kigu* which meant that site caught on in a way that many fashion blogs don't. The key things were that a) it was a lot of fun, and b) we all got to have our own little window into Poppy's life.

Being the smart lady that she is, Poppy soon realised that there was more that could be done with the concept. Everyone who visited What I Wore Today was loving the idea of looking at a stranger's daily outfit choices, plus most of them would have found the site via some sort of social network so... why not combine the two? If people could join the site to upload their own outfits, befriend other users, comment on favourite outfits and even tag items with links to where they bought them, how awesome would that be? Well, she's only gone and done it! The new WIWT is in beta right now, so you can sign up to get an account and start sharing your outfits with the rest of the world. Whether you like fashion, clothes or simply a nice bit of people-watching, WIWT is really rather fun. And it's not just for girls either.

*The photo accompanying this post is of me wearing own kigu.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: First

2011-09-06T15:43:00.004+01:00

In sex, there's always a first. What people think of most often when you say 'first' is the person you lost your virginity to, but there are many more firsts than that. From the first time you tried something out on yourself to the first time you tried it with a partner, our sexual lives are filled with times where the excitement levels far exceeded the available skills. A first time can be fun or fraught with problems. Sometimes you remember it clearly, other firsts are quickly forgotten.

Of course there's also the issue of who comes first. Whether it's teenagers in a race to the finish, long-term lovers carefully co-ordinating their climaxes, or a dominant telling their submissive the rules, who comes first is often considered and rarely completely ignored. And... who makes the first move? Well, it can colour your entire relationship from that moment on. Who says being first doesn't matter?

Image via sebastien.barre's Flickr photostream.

Photography for beginners

2011-09-05T18:54:00.000+01:00

I wrote about my own photographic journey last year, but I've only ever given advice when someone has asked for it. After spending a day with my trusty Lomo LC-A and comparing notes with a friend on Twitter who was wondering why her shots always ended up disappointing, I decided to jot down a few things that I've learned over the last few years. So, if you're a beginner and want to start giving your photographs a bit more consideration, here are a few things that might help.

First of all, remember that you don't have to have amazing equipment to shoot a good photo. Just learn how the camera you have works and, once you know its limitations, you will be able to get better shots. Most people realise that adding 'effects' can give cameraphone shots more depth, but things like walking right up to the subject instead of using your digital zoom also help a massive amount. Take lots of photos and learn from your mistakes, and also look at shots you like to work out why you like them. Join Flickr, share your images, join groups, ask questions, take up challenges... it all helps and the learning sinks in when you're having fun!

Next, take a bit of time to learn a bit about how your camera works, as this will help you understand how it sees things (the three elements that make up an image are very useful). Check the instructions to see how to change the white balance, then make sure it's set up properly so that your shots don't have an ugly colour cast. Remember that you can focus on something by pushing the shutter release down halfway, then recompose the shot before taking it (e.g. so your subject doesn't have to be in the middle of the frame). Also, don't snap so fast that the autofocus doesn't have time to kick in! Oh, and switch off the automatic flash because it doesn't actually reach very far. You should always try a shot without it first, just to see what happens. I've seen people snap through windows or at concerts with the flash on and wonder why their shot won't come out.

As far as composition goes, as I briefly mentioned in the last paragraph, don't frame everything in the centre. The rule of thirds is useful to know, but remember that you can break it and still get great shots. Don't be afraid to get in close and fill the frame with your subject, but always physically get closer rather than using the zoom wherever possible. Also, go for a different viewpoint occasionally to mix things up. Look down, look up or shoot from the hip to get something a little bit different. If you don't try, you'll never know what works.

The 10 golden rules of Lomography are a great start to get you enjoying taking photographs and realising that it's not the end of the world when they don't come out. Sometimes shots don't work, and that's OK too.

Feminism Friday

2011-09-02T22:26:00.002+01:00

Every week, I seem to encounter something that niggles at my inner feminist, so I've decided that this sort of thing probably deserves a regular spot on my blog. Either it's something infuriating which illustrates people's misunderstanding of feminism, strong women who say they are definitely not a feminist, or simply another reason why feminism is still relevant in 2011. Whatever your understanding of the finer points of the feminist movement, surely most rational intelligent human beings agree that, ideally, all people should be able to go through life without their gender having a negative effect on their day-to-day life and experiences? Whether or not you believe that gender differences are often down to nurture rather than nature, it is difficult to ignore all the evidence that shows women getting a bit of a rough deal. However, what is mentioned less often is that much of this also has a great effect on men too.

Take societal expectations of childcare responsibilities which affect women's career progression and pay, for example. This also has an affect on men who would like to care for their children but feel unable to, due to the fact that they are the higher earner or because many things - from maternity leave to baby changing facilities - are set up for mothers to be the primary care givers. At first glance, it looks like only women get a raw deal there, but the negative gender stereotypes can have effects in both directions. In my opinion, feminism's point is that everyone should be treated the same way, regardless of gender. You many not like the name, but the idea's a good one, right?

Image via natashalcd's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Electricity

2011-08-31T16:56:00.003+01:00

You may experience a 'spark' when you meet someone new - a feeling like electricity coursing through your veins whenever you touch or kiss - but that's not the only thing I'm thinking about here. As well as the rush that you feel with a new lover, electricity can also feature in exciting new situations with an existing lover or... even when you're alone. Whether it is the batteries in your vibrator, or the mains-powered oomph of a Hitachi, this type of energy can be a very important part of solo sex. If you've ever experienced the feeling of frustration from your toy losing power at entirely the wrong moment, then you will know only too well just how important electricity can be! No one should be afraid to add a toy into their life. Everyone reacts differently to sexual stimulation, but there are so many different types available that there may well be something that pushes all the right buttons. Even if you're more of the "been there, done that, have a massive drawer of souvenirs" kind of person, there may still be things you haven't yet tried. Instead of a buzz... try a spark. Those who have already experienced the beautiful and stimulating violet wand would probably agree that its use of electricity against naked skin can be extremely rewarding. Shocked? You will be.

Image via Jomme V's Flickr photostream.

Polyamory and daytime television

2011-08-26T11:38:00.008+01:00

Last night I spent the evening with some non-monogamous friends and, inevitably, a portion of the evening was devoted to watching and commenting on This Morning's debate on polyamory. Tomorrow is the seventh Polyday and so the main organiser, Maxine Green, had drummed up a bit of press for the event which the producers of this mainstream daytime television show had obviously noticed. If you've ever seen the show, you'll know that it is a mix of blandness that is designed to appeal to stressed out stay-at-home parents, hungover students and retired Daily Mail readers. It was at its best in my own student days when it came live from the Albert Dock in Liverpool, Richard and Judy presented, and Fred Talbot's floating weather map had the occasional streaker visiting it. These days, it's as old and tired as Agony Aunt Denise Robertson. Why they wanted to know more about non-monogamous lifestyles is anyone's guess.

For this so-called 'debate', Maxine and two of her metamours were on the studio sofa to explain polyamory to the puzzled presenters and This Morning's aforementioned Agony Aunt, Denise. Although the three of them came across as intelligent, reasoned, calm and happy, the show's presenters continually interrupted their important points and made little attempt to understand their views or even put across a viable alternative. Despite being the most understanding, Eamonn Holmes still managed to surprise the three women by asking if they were simply the victims of the greedy man they all share but, when Denise was brought into the discussion, it got even worse. Apparently "it'll all end in tears", according to the narrow-minded veteran advice-giver. Just like all those monogamous couples who get divorced then, eh? Denise made no effort to listen to or understand the polyamorous side of the discussion and continued to assert that she knows best, despite clearly having no clue that there are non-monogamous people all over the world who fit all sorts of categories. We are single, partnered, parents, married, childfree, young, old and all very happy indeed with our choices in life.

My friends and I were absolutely stunned at how the 'debate' was handled by This Morning but, once the ranting died down, we decided that Denise Robertson simply needs a bit of education. It was suggested that we write to her with problems such as "I am extremely happy with my polyamorous lifestyle and wonderful loving partners, but my parents don't understand. How can I explain it to them?" to see if she responds. Something tells me our correspondence would end up at the bottom of the pile.

Image via itv.com

Awesome ideas: Clothes swap

2011-08-24T17:17:00.004+01:00

The idea behind a clothes swap party is simple. Collect up all the clothing you don't wear any more, take the garments to someone's house with a load of other friends who have all had a wardrobe clear out too, open some wine and start trying things on. The group of women you get together for one of these events don't even need to be the same shape or size, as everyone has things in their wardrobe that are no longer worn because they don't fit, and so the only thing to bear in mind is that everyone needs to get along for it to be a really fun night. Also, anyone who is scared of trying things on in front of others might find it a tad daunting! However, once you've found a date that as many of those people as possible are free on, you can watch your old well-loved clothing go to appreciative new homes and also get some fantastic 'new' freebies for yourself.

I organised a clothes swap that happened on Monday - at a very kind friend's house because some people couldn't make the trek out to my place so laden down with bags - and it was a resounding success. Dresses that appeared at first to fit no one managed to eventually find homes, accessories inspired new outfits, old jeans found new life, and there was almost a fight over a beret. We roared with laughter as everyone tried on the the silver lurex body stocking and began to fall in love with it, giggled at the attempts to wiggle out of various vintage dresses, and genuinely loved all the things we went home with. This sort of thing isn't for shrinking violets as you have to stay in the room in your undies in order to grab and try on as much as possible before it gets claimed, but it is rather good for a confidence boost as everyone tried on at least one thing that we all went "ooh!" at and told them they simply had to keep it.

So, ask around to see if your friends are interested in swapping old clothes with you. It's a great way to spend an evening and certainly much cheaper than a shopping spree. Well... I guess that all depends on how much wine you drink!

Image via prettyinprint's Flickr photostream.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Desire

2011-08-23T10:56:00.006+01:00

A key element to mind-blowing sex is desire. When you first hook up with someone new, this is a driving force and provides a passion that is addictive and unmistakable. You yearn to be with together and are constantly thinking of what you're going to be doing when you next see each other in private. However, when you have been with a partner for a while, the desire can come and go. Sometimes it rages, and other times it fades quietly into the background. If this sounds familiar, don't worry as it's perfectly natural and happens to everyone. First of all, talk to your partner and see if they feel the same way. If so, there are many ways to rekindle the flame that once burned so bright. Planning date nights and making time for each other is a good start. If the lack of desire is uneven, this can be more of a problem so communication is vital. Talk about what you want and need, what you love about them, why you want things to work out. It should become clear from this if desire can be restored. Sometimes it's just waiting in the wings.

Image from stevebkennedy's Flickr photostream.

Size is just a number

2011-08-21T13:24:00.019+01:00

The system used for labelling the sizing of women's clothes is a mystery to most of us. When the various standardised systems were first introduced, it became easier for women to buy clothing off-the-peg and know which garment would be most likely to fit them. However, since the 1980s, UK manufacturers have individually been slowly straying away from these standard size recommendations to the point where not only is it impossible to buy vintage clothing based solely on the size in the label, but it is also extremely tricky to work out which modern garments will fit from one retailer to the next. This so-called vanity sizing has become more about the brands making clothes to fit the size they think their customers want to be, therefore appealing to the desire of many women to be, or appear to be, smaller than they are.

Whether or not the idea of fitting into a smaller size appeals to you, the purpose of a standardised system is to make purchasing garments easier for the customer and so ignoring it is not always in the retailer's best interest. Especially when selling clothes online where consumers have to commit before they can try anything on. Retro Chick's Campaign For Clearer Clothes Sizing goes some way towards addressing this, asking retailers to make the measurements they use for each size available to the public. However, I think there is something that we can all do ourselves to break away from this and benefit our own confidence and body image.

As has been proved by clothing companies' increasingly blatant disregard for the standardised sizing system in the UK, the number on the label of each garment you own is largely irrelevant. Detaching any significance from it will help restore your confidence in a way that fitting into an apparently smaller size never will. If we're completely honest with ourselves, if it was really that important, we'd all be buying our clothing from the US where the numbers for the corresponding sizes are smaller. On a holiday to New York, I visited a Levi's store and fitted my UK size 14 hips into a pair of US size 10 jeans. The tiny amount of delight I felt at this soon evaporated when I thought about telling my boyfriend as I realised that his reaction would be one of confusion. After all, the jeans I tried on had fitted me so they were clearly my size, regardless of the digits on the label.

I first started to realise what was most important when buying clothes, after I'd purchased a dress from Vivien of Holloway. As their clothing is based on 1950s patterns and use the sizing from that era, you have to check your measurements before buying. At the time I found a shop that stocked them so that I could try on several sizes to find the best fit, but it's clear from looking at the sizing chart on their website that I cannot fit into one of their straight frocks due to my pear shape, and a full-skirted option would need to be a size 16 in order to fit my waist in. Normally this would have been frustrating for me as I am usually a size 12-14 but, in this case, it failed to matter as I loved the clothing styles so much. One of the dress styles not being cut to fit my figure simply gave me less choice, which was actually helpful, and the fact that their sizing is different (and clearly explained) helped me to shrug off the number on the label of the pretty frock I ended up buying. I felt confident and looked good, which was by far was the most important thing.

Since then, I have noticed that the Vivien of Holloway dress I have doesn't actually fit my body shape terribly well at all. I have a short body and a medium sized bust so the halter strap is too long, the boning comes up too high and I need a bra with extra boost to fill out the top. this didn't matter at first, because my increased confidence meant that no one noticed, but it has now helped me to realise the second part of what I really need to look for when buying clothes. This is so important that I think it's worth sharing.

Concentrate at first on the fit of clothes, rather than the look
Of course how they look is important to a certain degree, but do not let it sway you. I have returned a great many garments or have just let them sit, unworn, in my wardrobe for years because I was so taken by the way they looked in the changing room that I ignored the simple fact that they didn't fit. Are the arms too tight? Does the waist pinch? Is the skirt too short? Does the zip dig in? If so, don't ever think of it as a failing of yours, just admit that this type of garment isn't cut to suit you in this particular shop and resolve to find something better. If it feels wonderful when you slip it on, isn't uncomfortable anywhere and also makes you smile, that's when you take that smile and look in the mirror. You'd never leave a fitting room to show a friend something that looks truly awful on you, so why bother showing yourself? Reserve the long lingering mirror looks for the clothes that make you go "mmm" and you'll soon realise that you look far better than you thought you did.

Then concentrate on the feel of clothes, rather then the size
If you have to take several sizes into the changing room because you don't know which you need, does it really matter which of them you come out with at the end if it fits you beautifully? If a gorgeous soft cardigan fits, flatters and makes you happy with a number larger than you thought you'd need on the label, why would you take the smaller size that gapes at the buttons? If it bothers you that much, you can always cut out that pesky number once you get home and need never see it again. We've all spent slightly more money on a garment than we we wanted to because it was utterly perfect and it made us so very happy just to put it on, so why not do the same with size? If something makes you feel happy and confident, ignore the label and just buy it. Similarly, if you are at all unsure about the fit and feel of clothing, put it back on the rail and try another store. Much as we have to shop around to find a style that we like, we have to shop around to find the correct fit too. It does depend on the type of garment - for example, I can buy unstructured tops anywhere, but Oasis is always a first stop for dresses and Whistles is the only shop that stocks trousers that fit and flatter me - so do some research.

Clothes can give you confidence and they can take it away. A little bit of time figuring out which shops sell clothes that are more likely to help make you feel amazing is time well spent. Just remember that you, as the customer, are important and shouldn't be parting with your money for something that is less than fantastic. The size number on the label plays no part in how great or not that garment is. Seriously, who sees it but you?

Please note: The second image is from a series of fake campaign posters, designed by me as part of my A-level Photography course in 2007. This is not an official Body Shop campaign poster.

Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty

2011-08-19T14:34:00.011+01:00

It's been over a year since the death of Alexander McQueen and his name still has the ability to grab my attention. His combination of creativity and technical skill was surprisingly rare, resulting in some truly unique, striking and beautiful collections. I have learnt much about costume and fashion from attending exhibitions at the glorious V&A, to see original pieces up close and to find myself inspired by a particular designer, era, accessory or muse. I heard that the museum was happy to host a touring version of the, now finished Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty exhibition which was staged at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York earlier this year, but it turns out that this is still unconfirmed. If you are at all interested in getting a closer look at some of this amazing designer's work, sign the petition that has been set up by Grazia's editor-at-large Melanie Rickey, who points out that: "He was inspired and galvanised by London, as are the team that carry on the business in his name." Hopefully we'll get a little bit of him back in his hometown soon.

Image by The Photograph Studio, The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

The Alternative A-to-Z of Sex: Consent

2011-08-16T15:29:00.004+01:00

The only reason that this entry is still considered part of an 'alternative' A-to-Z of sex rather than an 'essential' one, is because it's sadly not the most obvious relevant c-word. In fact, straight away I thought of three others that people may have chosen first... an orifice, a word that is a synonym for The Big O and something that, legend would have you believe, many heterosexual men can't find. However this c-word is the thing that no sex should be without. No matter what your gender, orientation or other preferences, you should not be doing anything intimate without consent. Communication and consideration for contraception (where appropriate) are also damn fine ideas, but consent is absolutely essential. Especially where non-standard sexual practices are concerned.

Image via Garry Knight's Flickr photostream.

The perils of media engagement

2011-08-16T14:08:00.009+01:00

Guest Blogger #10 - This is a response from Tobias to my post on The Guardian's use of the phrase "hipster swingers" in a piece published on Saturday 13th August. The views expressed are personal and do not necessarily represent the views of the Kinky Salon London crew. The KSL crew make decisions collectively and are always reassessing how they deal with approaches from the press. It should also be noted that they would never publish an image for which permission to do so hadn't been obtained in advance.

First of all I would like to thank Lori for her typically thoughtful and open-minded blog post on this subject. Secondly I must state up front that I can not speak on behalf of the entire Kinky Salon London crew as I am but one of a larger crew. However I am the person who was quoted in the piece so I can give some context and personal observations.

Knowing the highly intelligent bunch of people who attend Kinky Salon and After Pandora, I have no doubt that everyone fully understands that old adage about not believing everything one reads in the newspapers. Even still it's often possible to lose track of the fact that this principle applies to the broadsheets and the style mags just as it does to the tabloids.

It's less a conspiracy to mislead on their part and more a matter of expediency, practicality and a sense of what will appeal to the audience of a given publication. Although one might come across a piece on a website, it was usually designed to be published in print where there is limited word length and an imperative to be succinct. This always comes at a price: if the media were perfect at expressing complex ideas accurately, without bias and with brevity, Noam Chomsky would be out of a job.

Kinky Salon London does not go out of its way to speak to just any old publication. So far we've concentrated on reaching out to sex-positive blogs / online radio shows and the LGBT press. But it's worth people knowing that it's practically impossible to stop someone writing about you if they choose to do so. As an example we were first listed in Time Out without ever submitting a listing to them. So if a journalist contacts you to say they're going to write about you, it's often better to provide them with a quote and direct them to your website rather than allowing them to make it up off the top of their head.

In this instance the journalist approached me having met me on the Burning Man scene and through another night I'm involved in called White Mischief. She had previously put Kinky Salon in touch with some feminist blogs that she felt might be interested in covering us. The Guardian had put her on a last-minute deadline of a couple of hours to write about a few "eccentric" clubs and activities around the country and she was planning to feature Kinky Salon and other similar places. I suggested to her a number of clubs within the BDSM, queer/pansexual and cabaret/burlesque space.

On request I sent her a written quote that detailed all the aspects of Kinky Salon about which you will be aware: our aim towards inclusivity and not discriminating by gender, body type, ability/disability, sexuality, the PAL system and our strict code of conduct, the fact that we welcome all interests be they kinky, vanilla or even those people who love the party but never plan to play at all. I explained that I was but one co-founder along with Kitty and a crew of volunteers, and I detailed that the event was born in San Francisco but has spread to Sacramento, New York, Copenhagen and Amsterdam.

Although Kinky Salon welcomes people who identify as swingers just as we welcome people who identify as polyamorous or non-monogamists or whatever, we have never used swinging to describe what we do. Clearly we would also never describe ourselves as hipsters (I think the term geek would be far more accurate.)

Furthermore the journalist who wrote the piece contacted me yesterday to explain that she did not use the term hipster swinger, she was not briefed that the piece would be pitched as something about "tribes", nor did she write the introductory paragraph that was finally published. Her original introduction talked about sex-positive culture rather than repressive attitudes to sex.

It's true that both swinging and hipsters have negative connotations but we'd be kidding ourselves if we said that no-one in our communities owns an Apple Mac, rides a bike everywhere, buys organic at Broadway Market, lives in East London and enjoys group sex from time to time. Indeed I know a good few individuals within our community have taken a journey that started on the conventional swinging sites before moving more deeply into the polyamory and BDSM communities. So the whole "hipster swinger" shorthand may be unfortunate and inaccurate but it's not exactly a massive insult - just as long as you can take it with the pinch of salt it deserves. And if you want to blame someone, blame the subeditor who came up with the headline, most probably as a way of filling the limited column width they had to work with.

When one engages with the media one takes the rough with the smooth. There is always the chance of factual inaccuracies, omissions or slants that may differ from those one might prefer. It is unrealistic and usually unacceptable to demand copy approval on a minor article that, let's face it, is tomorrow's chip paper. How many times do we hear some of the most powerful and influential celebrities saying that something they said was "taken out of context"...? In this instance, nothing I said was taken out of context: it was just framed in a way that some members of our community may find out of alignment with their experience of Kinky Salon.

The question some of you may be asking is: with all this potential for misunderstanding, should we be speaking to the media at all? What follows is just my personal opinion - I can't speak for everyone within Kinky Salon London. But I believe that if we are serious about promoting sex-positive culture, a culture that involves positive consent, a culture that welcomes all identities, all genders and sexualities, a culture that rejects sexist entitlement, a culture that demonstrates that kink and polyamory are not dangerous or disgusting...then it is our responsibility to take our message to the wider world.

We are committed to keeping the intimate house party friends-of-friends feel to Kinky Salon but if we fail to welcome new people into the fold then we effectively become elitist, and that's not the Kinky Salon ethos. I believe it's our duty to ensure that all those people who might benefit from participating in our community get the opportunity to hear about it. There may be ways that we can improve how we achieve that end, and our internal crew is discussing that right now, but please don't worry that Kinky Salon is "going mainstream"...because that's hipster talk, and none of us is a hipster, right? :)

All images have been cleared for use with the participants by Kinky Salon London. Photography by Todd Hartman and Ben Hopper.

Making my mark

2011-08-15T16:49:00.009+01:00

I've wanted a tattoo for years. I love the way a good design looks and the way it becomes part of a person. I love the way they can mark a moment in your life and make you look at your own body in a new light. I love the way it's a beautiful piece of artwork that you can carry around with you for the rest of your life. I wanted a design for a tattoo I was sure I would love forever but I could never think of anything that I didn't change my mind about after a few months. When Simon wrote a guest post about tattoos for this blog last October, I considered it again but no decent ideas sprung to mind so I reverted to thinking that tattoos just weren't for me. My main problem was that the tattoos I absolutely love are all large designs, and I just couldn't think of something big that would suit me.

A while ago, I was talking to Amanda (who got the outline of a beautiful new piece done just last week) about someone who'd had a flower on her ankle added to, until the plant was 'growing' all the way up her leg and across her back. I loved the idea of a design that could be added to like that, leaving the option of starting small and building into a tattoo of the size and complexity I love. Once this idea lodged in my head, I started thinking about which plant I would like to have growing across my skin if I was to go for something like that, and the answer was obvious: roses. From the Ladybird book of Snow-White and Rose-Red I owned as a child and the climbing roses that grew up the front of our house back then, to the rose on the cover of Depeche Mode's Violator album, they have always had lots of meaning for me. Anton Corbijn's cover art for what is still one of my favourite albums was actually my first ever, swiftly dismissed, tattoo design consideration in the 1990s.

My favourite flowers are yellow roses, but I'd have to ditch the colour in this instance because that would never suit me. Still, I have had the beginnings of this idea for months now and am still not bored of it. I like botanical drawings of roses, with their many leaves, and know that I would like something like that done in a a very delicate monochrome style (a bit like this fairy by Manda at In Skin in Tunbridge Wells), but that and the placement is as far as I've got with my planning. Working it all out slowly is definitely best before putting needle to skin, but it looks like I might actually be onto something this time.

How do you make lingerie?

2011-08-14T20:51:00.014+01:00

As my involvement in burlesque has developed, so has my interest in lingerie. It seems to be an appropriate thing for me to write about on this blog too as lingerie pretty much sits at the intersection of feminism, body image, sex/relationships and fashion. However, although I have done a couple of short courses that have expanded my knowledge on how the garments I wear are constructed (Beginners Corsetry at Prescott & Mackay and Knockout Knickers at The Make Lounge), I don't really have a great deal of general knowledge on the subject of underwear and so just couldn't turn down the opportunity to learn a bit more and try my hand at making something new. So, with a great deal of excitement, last week I attended a 5 day lingerie workshop at the London College of Fashion. Billed as "a chance to recapture the skills of traditional couture lingerie, especially the feminine 1930s bias-cut styles and other similar themes and updating these into 21st-century lingerie", this seemed like the perfect way to expand my knowledge in a way that could be applied through my writing as well as at the sewing machine.

Our tutor was costume historian and designer Carolyn Richardson who started the week off with a quick lesson in 20th century lingerie, illustrated by many garments from a case of vintage treasures that she had brought along to show us. When you're used to mass-produced underwear that uses elastic and is fastened with hooks and eyes, this was quite an experience! However, Carolyn had also brought with her some modern pieces from Topshop and ASOS to demonstrate how old shapes and techniques can be updated. Before long we were into the practical part of the class, learning how to draft a pattern for a bias-cut nightie by draping fabric on a stand to create a test garment (aka toile), which was rather good fun. Later in the week, our toile was made from a flat pattern that we'd drafted on paper from a basic bodice 'block' and adjusted to create a simple bra. Well, I say 'simple' but it took rather a lot of time and patience to produce.

Over the course of a few days, we learnt about pattern creation and adaptation, design research, fabric and trimming selection, different types of seams and hems, embroidery techniques, and fastenings. Carolyn gave us plenty of information on the techniques applied to mass production and also couture garments, so that we had knowledge and skills that would be useful for sewing at home, making samples for our own lingerie line, or even for one-off made-to-measure pieces. Whether or not I go on to design/make something myself, at the very least I now have a greater understanding of lingerie design and production. I also now know why beautifully designed well-made silk bras are so expensive, so there will definitely be no more whining about high prices from me!